


Two Sides of the Same Coin

by SpiritWave



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged Up, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - Canon, Character Analysis, Character Study, Future Fic, M/M, Omega Verse, Reunions, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-04-13 21:09:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 65,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4537467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiritWave/pseuds/SpiritWave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been five years since Killua and Gon went their separate ways, and a mission that sends the both of them to Yornkew City is just what they need to kick-start their friendship again. Killua's more than ready for a new adventure, but when a new face comes into the picture, Killua realizes that things might not be so simple.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It’s been an awfully long time since his hands have shaken this hard, Killua realizes. The phone rattles in his hand – fifteen to eight – and it’s the first time in his life that someone being late to an appointment gives him space to breathe instead of just pissing him off.

His nerves are making his skin is hypersensitive and the faintest of touches will send him into full-body shivers. Killua’s teeth are chattering like crazy, his hands sweaty, and he _cannot_ believe that the asshole is _late_.

The minutes counter on his phone keeps rising, and the sense of relief that had previously coursed through him is gone, replaced by nervousness that makes itself known with thoughts like _what if he forgot? What if he decided he didn’t want to see me at the last minute? What if he’s dead?_ He shakes his head at that; there’s no way he’s not coming. And while that would have usually brought him comfort – because really, no one would dare to stand _him_ up – once he realizes that he is literally minutes away from seeing his friend again, Killua’s stomach flips.

It’d been a very sudden meeting.

Kurapika had called him up to inform him about a job as a bodyguard for some big-name mafia boss’s kid (obviously, that’s all Kurapika knew) in Yorknew that paid _very_ well and would only last a few months. He’d get an easy way in through his friend, and now that Alluka was beginning her training with Wing and they had put their travelling on hold for her sake, he’d been lounging around their flat for a month with nothing to do.

Killua was bored to _death_.

Kurapika’s call happened to coincide with the realization that he was also hurting for money. Really, it had nothing to do with how at the end of the call, Kurapika mentioned that a certain spikey-haired friend of his was going to be in Yorknew City as well.

Nothing at all.

The first thing he had done was rebook his flight to an earlier date to have some free time before his job started. Then, he had waited an appropriate amount of time to not sound like a desperate omega (a week before he left for Yorknew), and finally, he had sent a message to Gon. Of course, he clarified at least four times that he’d only be in Yorknew because of a job, and once that was established, Killua casually asked Gon if he wanted to meet up there. Gon, unsurprisingly, had been ecstatic and they agreed on a date, place and time not ten minutes later.

A week after the message, and five years after their last meeting, Killua is waiting near the Myatt he’s going to be staying in for the next week.

He checks his phone again after receiving a text message and a photo from Alluka. Both she and Zushi have their hands in a peace sign, and Wing is in the background of the picture, his shirt never failing to be untucked. The caption reads, “Good luck, Onii-chan!” Killua snorts. He’s going to need it if he wants to avoid acting like he’s had a crush on Gon for seven years.

Gon and he had agreed to a no-picture policy so Killua has no idea what Gon looks like. Well, ‘agreed’ being more along the lines of Gon refusing to send him a damn picture of his face because it wouldn’t ‘be a surprise anymore’ and ‘where’s the fun in that?’ and Killua, being just as stubborn, refusing as well with a ‘who said I wanted to see your face? Idiot.’ They were still children back then, and now there are a million questions running through the back of his head.

Had he presented Alpha? Beta? How much taller is he? Had Gon let his hair grow out? Killua had, so it wouldn’t be surprising if Gon did as well. Did he get rid of those horrendous green shorts? How much was he able to improve his Jajanken after he regained his ability to use nen? How much stronger is he? What did he look like? A deep, unpleasant memory came to him whenever he thought of a ‘grown up Gon’, making his gut twist viscerally. He wills that away quickly. It was just that: a memory.

He clears his mind, the way he always did as a child when he was physically preparing himself to assassinate someone. It was a skill he had never lost, and Killua is grateful to his parents for it. His heartbeat calm down in his chest, and the hole in his stomach disappears.

 _I can do this_ , he thinks.

It’s _just_ Gon.

He smiles to himself. Exactly! It’s just Gon, there’s no need to get nervous about this whole debacle. Sure, they haven’t seen each other in five years, but they text non-stop, and well, how much could he change in-

A voice screams his name.

A smooth, deep baritone that he can’t recognize to save his life but he _knows_ who it belongs to. He just _knows_ , there’s a vibrancy and energy in it that can only belong to Gon. Then, all of his efforts to calm down are laid to waste as he feels his heartbeat pick up, the pulse ringing too quick in his ears, his hands getting covered in sweat and trembling all over again.

Before he can even look at Gon, he hears heavy steps and his own thoughts in his head. Killua’s suddenly taken over by a wave of self-consciousness as he realizes that Gon might have only recognized him because of his hair color. Killua thinks about how Gon might not even recognize his voice, his height, his _scent_ -

A large and calloused pair of hands – and they cover the entire span of Killua’s collar bone, like an alpha’s should – grab him by the shoulders, and with an energy that is undeniably Gon’s, shake him before embracing him in a bear hug.

Just as Killua begins to process that he barely reaches Gon’s fucking _shoulders_ , Gon lifts him off his feet, twirls him around for good measure, and puts him back down.

“Killua!”

Killua recognizes that, yes, it is indeed Gon’s voice calling him, deep and uncomfortably attractive as it is, and that yes, Gon’s frame is much larger than his own, as well as being so much more powerfully built. He’s speechless as he takes in the details: his arms and legs are well defined in their muscle and he can see the outline of his navel under his shirt. His face is leaner, still wider than Killua’s but _lean_ and angled, the jawbone denting his neck clearly, Adam’s apple protruding where it once failed to.

He’s fucking gorgeous.

There’s an uncanny similarity to Ging in Gon’s face, but his eyes are a much brighter amber. Powerful, confident. His eyebrows cast as if to challenge the whole world, a swing in his step that wasn’t there before. The fingers on Gon’s arms aren’t long, unlike Killua’s, but they’re broad and powerful and _protective-_

Killua’s belly jolts and the impulse to grab Gon and slam their lips together runs through him like lightning; he’s been waiting for this for years. After he had discovered that his feelings for Gon went a little bit over just “he’s my best friend”, he’d hope Gon would reciprocate his feelings. However, Killua isn’t stupid – even if Gon’s much more attractive than he had anticipated – he’s not going to rush into this. Gon is his friend first and foremost, and he won’t let his impulsive fantasies ruin that.

Just then, Killua notices that there’s a distinctive lack of _scent_ on Gon, nothing overpowering and nothing frighteningly similar to his own, and he breathes a sigh of relief. Gon’s a _beta_. A deeper part of him is flagrantly disappointed, but he shuts it up quickly (it’s _good_ that Gon’s a beta; it’s _safe_ and that way they can stay friends if it turns out Gon doesn’t like him back).

Gon seems to be looking at him in a similar fashion, his earlier shouting replaced by a keen observation that makes Killua fidget in place. He can see Gon’s nostrils flare in an attempt to scent him, not that he was going to find anything, only beta scent – his Omega Pheromone Inhibitor pills were made specifically for Omega Hunters to hide their scent, and he hadn’t been slacking on taking them.

While he was only supposed to take them when he was on stealth missions, and take the garden-variety ones that only reduced his scent instead of completely hiding it, after his first heat when he presented Omega, he couldn’t get the alphas off his back until he washed every single article of clothing he owned. And that was weeks after he had started on his first bottle of OPI. He wasn’t going to repeat that.

Gon grabs at his hair, runs his hands down the bandages on his arms, drops his eyes in much the same way to what Killua hopes are his new pants and _not_ his crotch, smiles, and then pats his head.

“You’re so… small.” There’s a bit of uncertainty in the way Gon says it, like he’s gauging Killua’s reaction and even looks like he feels a bit guilty. Killua knows better, though. And he lets him know.

“Well, I’m _sorry_ for not turning into a fucking brute like _someone else_.”

Gon laughs, loud and free and _so_ rich, and Killua temporarily forgets his anger when he hears it. Then, Gon asks him, with tears in his eyes, just how tall he is as he admits that he’s _only_ six feet and four inches tall. The hunter in him wants to punch him, he’s five eight and a _quarter of an inch,_ thank you very much, but the omega in him is purring in delight.

He ignores that.

After Gon makes another quip at his stature, it’s easy to get into their old rhythm. It feels like nothing has changed; Gon is still very much himself, if only now Killua sees him in a new light (Killua wasn’t quite expecting Gon to grow up so hot. He wasn’t ugly as a child, but his height and demeanor turn heads wherever he goes), and they make up for any discomfort presented by the years of no physical interaction with stories upon stories of the places and dangerous missions their jobs have taken them to.

They talk in equal measure, and Gon is just as interested in listening to his stories as he is intrigued by Gon’s. When they sit down to eat their planned dinner, Gon apologizing for being late after Killua grills him about it, any of the remaining tension leaves.

Killua feels like he’s back home.

\---

“Where’s Alluka, by the way?” There’s a piece of steak stuffed in Gon’s mouth and a jug of beer in his hand. Killua has had a couple of drinks as well (nothing as flavorless as beer, however), and he hums with appreciation when Gon asks about his sister.

“Sent her off to train with Wing-san.” Killua replies with a sip of his wine. It’s not the best he’s had, but it would do.

“Oh…! She’s already at that age, huh?” Gon sounds genuinely surprised, like he can’t believe that baby Alluka was already an adult. Killua concurs.

“Well, she’s eighteen. She can take care of herself, and she’s insistent on taking the hunter exam. Figured I’d give her an edge.” Killua fondly remembers all the tantrums Alluka pulled on him because ‘Onii-chan! You took your hunter exam when you were twelve, why can’t I?’ and how she forced him to at least teach her the basics of Nen. Only enough to know what her nen class was, she would say. Alluka was an enhancer. Nanika was a Specialist.

“Oh, how quickly the children grow up!” Gon mocked, and Killua can’t help but think that they had barely stopped being children themselves.

“Oh, shut up! She’s legally an adult.” Is all he can reply.

“Yeah… But I thought that Big Bwother Killua wouldn’t ever leave his baby sister go off by herself.”

“She’s an _adult_ , Gon.”

“Yeah, and so are you, but here you are: five eight and a quarter of an inch tall.” _Of course_ , Killua thinks through the sound of Gon’s giggles. He had acted superior to Gon (and he very much was, in many ways) on multiple occasions when they were younger, and this was divine retribution.

“You are never letting that go, are you?” Killua knew the answer before he finished asking the question.

“Nope.” Gon cuts off another piece of his steak, dimples forming with his smile. Then, he has a pensive look on his face, followed by a nasty little smirk. “I bet she’s taller than you.”

Killua refuses to speak. He won’t give Gon the satisfaction of knowing he’s right, not without a fight anyway. The battle is lost as soon as Killua closes his mouth, however. Gon knows him too well.

“She is, isn’t she?”

He sighs.

“…She’s five eight and half an inch.” Gon’s laughter is so loud that some of the other customers turn to stare at him aggressively. Killua’s blush is mostly due to the alcohol in his system, but when he remembers the fact that _Alluka_ , of all people, had presented alpha doesn’t help one bit. But of course she would, he was the only Zoldyck that _hadn’t._ Not that he would tell Gon.

After that, their laughter fills the pub, so much so that the other patrons are forced to complain about the two of them, but Killua can’t bring himself to care. He’s with Gon, and Gon’s with him, and they’re having fun. While this little adventure would only last for a short-lived week, Killua knows that once they get back in the full swing of things, he and Gon will be inseparable, like they used to be when they were just children.

\---

Gon and Killua don’t leave the pub before two in the morning. Gon is considerably drunk, and Killua has to carry his weight around despite being tipsy himself, but he doesn’t mind. It feels right, even.

It’s a pleasant little surprise that the both of them are actually staying in the Myatt, and that they’ll be staying for the same time. In his drunkenness, Gon babbles and clings to Killua and almost has them tumbling to the ground before they reach the hotel, but after a few minutes, they finally reach the Myatt.

The clock behind the reception desk reads three in the morning, and Killua is happy to check the both of them in. However, before he can check Gon in, Gon suddenly stands up, rigid and upright, and there’s no small amount of veiled panic in his eyes – any drunken goofiness gone.

“Actually, I already checked in.” Gon says, all-too-quickly, and Killua _knows_ now that Gon’s hiding something, because Gon is good at many things, but keeping secrets is not one of them. However, seeing that they just reunited and he doesn’t want to push any boundaries (as much as the idea of Gon _having_ boundaries with him _hurts_ ), he doesn’t push further.

“O…kay? Let me walk you to your room, then. Don’t want you-”

“No!” Gon’s voice booms throughout the empty reception, and then he realizes how loud he just shouted. He looks at the receptionist, apologizes for his outburst, before looking at Killua, a little bit of shame lacing his expression. This does nothing to abate the way Killua’s gut twists with hurt, but at the very least Gon lowers his voice.

“Huh.” Killua frowns. He wants to say that it’s fine, but it’s _not_ fine.

“I’ll just- Look, I’m sorry. I’ll just walk myself to my room.”

Just like that, he’s gone, leaving an embarrassed Killua in his wake. The receptionist gives him a _look_ and Killua takes that as his cue to leave as well. He’s not a fucking show.

\---

While the previous night leaves a bad taste in his mouth, Killua chalks it up to Gon being a lot drunker than they had both thought, and decides that nothing is going to ruin their reunion week. Killua’s determined to enjoy the hotel and the room-service, and most of all, Gon, before he has to get to his shit job as a bodyguard (his least favorite, if he was honest), and the events of last night are only a small part of their evening.

He orders breakfast in bed, takes his daily dosage of OPI (one pill and a half because he’s unusually large for an omega), and skims through the channels on the TV as he waits for his shower to warm. It’s only eleven in the morning, and unlike Alluka, when he’s on break from work, his favorite activity is _not-sightseeing._ Not-anything, in fact.

Once Killua’s finished doing a whole lot of nothing for three hours, he figures it’s time to get out of bed and _nonchalantly_ try to look for Gon’s room (his tracing skills have never been handier). He hopes that the man will have forgotten about everything that happened the previous night, and they can pick their conversation and mood back up before it was ruined by the scene at the lobby.

Killua doesn’t think that finding Gon’s room will be particularly hard, really, after he presented Omega, his nose became ridiculously sharp, probably not as sharp as Gon’s, but enough to be able to scent him out in a hotel. Killua knows that his methods are a bit… underhanded, but given what happened last night, and the fact that he would look like a fucking idiot if he tried to wait around by the lobby instead, he thinks he’s perfectly excused.

However, Killua doesn’t think that finding Gon’s room would have been quite so easy, either. He greatly regrets it being so easy to find, in fact. Just as he leaves his room, two-hundred and forty-five, which is at the end of his hallway, Killua prepares to go down the elevator and try to subtly get some information out of the receptionist.

He doesn’t even need to.

When he passes the room four doors down from his, he can catch a very distinctive smell.

The overpowering, and very potent stench of an _omega._

Killua scrunches up his nose in distaste as he passes the door. The scent forces him to stop for a few seconds; it’s bad manners to let an unbound omega stink up the entire floor like this, especially for omegas that aren’t in heat, and Killua’s about to head downstairs to complain (really, it’s common sense to try to cover up your scent a bit, for Christ’s sake), when he hears it.

Gon’s voice coming from the same room.

Killua’s stomach drops.


	2. Chapter 2

A million possibilities run through his head, each making less sense than the one before it.  

The world around him shrinks as Gon’s voice keeps getting louder, and it’s like the scent becomes more potent with every second, threatening to topple Killua with its sheer intensity. He covers his nose, trying to will the smell away, when he remembers his pills.

Killua slaps himself on the forehead. How did it not occur to him that Gon could be on OPI, too _?_ Any hunter worth their money uses OPI. Gon would be no exception to that rule. Killua’s omega brain had been so relieved to find out that Gon wasn’t an omega like him that he had completely ignored the possibility of Gon taking the pills. Or Alpha Pheromone Inhibitors, but Alphas never hide their smell, so that was out of the question as well.

Just as he’s breathing a short sigh of relief, the other possibility, the one he had been ignoring, settles in the forefront of his mind, and he’s back to feeling queasy.

 _No,_ he thinks. _That’s the scent of an unbound omega. If it’s not Gon, there’s no way-_

And as if on that particular day, fate is giving him a big, loving ‘fuck _you_ ’, he hears the second, high-pitched voice across the door, and both voices break out in giggles afterwards.

Killua sees red.

The calm, analytical part of him knows that he’s doing something incredibly stupid, knows that if he had any fucking shame, he wouldn’t dare do what he’s about to do. However, Killua has discovered that ever since he presented Omega, the irrational, animal part of him takes over when certain people are involved, and Killua finds himself raising his knuckles against the door, rapping on it almost violently.

The giggles quiet down, and heavy footsteps get closer to Killua. Gon’s. Thank god. Killua doesn’t know what he would do if he was forced to face Gon’s… friend.

Gon opens the door, his shirtless, taut chest all up in Killua’s face, and Killua barely has enough time to compose himself – because shirtless Gon in the morning isn’t something he can just handle, not quite yet – before Gon’s done looking back at whomever is in the room. Then, his eyes fall onto Killua’s, eyebrows rising into his hairline and mouth falling agape in shock. Killua very pointedly does not remove his gaze from Gon’s face.

“Oh! Hey, um…” Killua’s chest flutters uncomfortably with how awkward and forced Gon is acting, eyes darting everywhere and hands with a death grip on the door’s frame. Killua hopes to the high heavens that it’s due to shame from how he had acted the night before, ignoring the voice in his head that tells him that Gon isn’t usually ashamed of anything, and not due to the little man standing behind him in their – in _Gon’s_ room.

But, before Killua can even question him, the other’s voice is back, and for the second time that day, Killua’s stomach drops.

“ _Love_ , who is it?”

At that, Gon’s terse expression morphs into one of subdued panic (much like the one he had showed Killua in the hotel lobby, and Killua now understands _why_ ) and he’s telling the omega to wait for him while blatantly shifting his body to cover the entire frame of the door so Killua cannot see into the room.

“I’m sorry for interrupting.” Killua says, chopped and cold and with something heavy pressing at his throat, robbing him of air and forcing him to turn his head towards the hall, and even though he tries to hide the hurt in his voice, Gon picks up on it almost immediately. Always ridiculously perceptive, just as Killua remembers, and Gon’s eyebrows furrow with a slow sigh.

“Look, Killua, let me explain-”

“No, no!” Killua shouts, pretending that whoever’s behind Gon isn’t actually there, listening to them.

Killua doesn’t know what he had been expecting. They’ve been separated for years, why wouldn’t have Gon found a partner? Just because _Killua_ hadn’t –

It’s almost embarrassing that Killua is feeling the way he is, because they hadn’t ever dated, and after their unfortunate slipup once the chimera ant war was over, they hadn’t demonstrated an ounce of romantic intent towards each other. It was stupid of Killua to assume that Gon would wait.

It was stupid of Killua to wait for Gon.

It’s not like he was expecting them to hook up the day after they saw each other – Killua wasn’t that desperately out of touch with reality – but he’d assumed, had almost _known_ that they would both be single and ready to start a new adventure with each other. They had been through so much stuff together.

It was _right._ It had to be.

To him, it felt like something akin to fate, and he had even fantasized about it, about the day they would meet up, the slow way their relationship would shift into something else, something new, with tangled hands and then with interlocking lips, and finally…

But now he feels so stupid for it. When Killua presented Omega, he figured that Gon would present Alpha. He figured that Gon would be unbound by the time they met up again.

He had been so _fucking_ stupid.

Gon is neither an alpha, nor is he single, nor is he interested in waiting around for someone he hasn’t seen in five years.

“Killua!”

“I said it’s _fine,_ Gon. I would love to meet your… partner when you two are done-” his voice cracks a bit at the ‘done’, and he mentally scolds himself for that because Gon can see him falling apart at the seams, and he doesn’t want that. Doesn’t want to look weak, desperate. “- doing whatever it is you were doing. I’ll be downstairs in the lobby.”

Gon, however, catches his wrist before he can turn around and leave. Killua curses him in his mind because he just wants to go back to his room and maybe forget about this whole incident by watching old repeats of Iron Gourmet Hunter.

“Killua! Please-”

Then, Killua’s eyes go wide as a dainty and bony little hand slinks around Gon’s waist, and slides slowly, slowly, slowly down to the waistband of Gon’s sweatpants, Killua’s stare following suit. Killua can feel the bile in his throat, can feel the way his muscles stiffen, and it’s not out of disgust, but out of something completely different, visceral and _angry._

 _“_ I said, _Love_ , who’s at the door? _”_

The omega in question is tiny, couldn’t be taller than five four, and Killua knows that he can crush him. Easily. His body reeks of a lack of practice and expertise, untoned and weak – a puny little omega.

Killua can’t help but notice the smirk on his face.  Full cheeks and a blond mess of hair with his locks strewn about, almost snow-haired.  And as if to contrast with his hair, his dark skin (very noticeable, given how _naked_ he is) is similar to Gon’s in tone – where Gon’s would have been a deep, velvety mocha, the runt is on the lighter side. His eyes are a crystal clear blue that would remind him of Alluka’s eyes if it weren’t for the fact that Killua feels half-inclined to rip them out from their sockets.

The impulse to throw himself at blondie doesn’t go unnoticed by Gon in the way the tension spikes when Killua flexes his muscles, literally ready to wipe the smile off the Omega’s face.

And maybe it’s to pacify Killua, maybe it’s a gesture of nervousness, but Gon’s laughter and the way he rubs his hands over the back of his head do nothing to calm Killua down, not when a tan, little hand curls tighter around Gon’s hips. There’s a look in the omega’s eye, lips curling as he demonstrates his claim over Gon.

_This fucker._

“Hey.” Blondie says, and Killua can hear the challenge in his voice. Can hear the omega tone and how he’s _claiming_ Gon, ‘he’s mine, bitch’ it says. The kind of omega that knows his smell drives both alphas and betas crazy and uses that to his advantage. If only Killua weren’t on OPI…

_No, I’m a hunter. OPI is crucial to my job. Enough, Killua._

The thought of sacrificing one of his most important tools is enough to sober him up.

He’s acting like a jealous omega, and Blondie probably wasn’t even actually challenging him – Killua’s instinctive, animalistic possessiveness and anger had just put the other omega on edge. Killua forces himself to subdue his anger.

 “So!” Gon calls, before Killua can say anything back. Despite their newly-acquired differences, Gon still knows Killua, and he knows that Killua has both the ability and disposition to crush his partner and his over-inflated ego.

“This is my partner, Mika Larsa.” Gon points at the omega. “Mika, say hi to Killua. Killua, say hi to Mika.” Then Gon looks at Killua with expectation in his eyes, a sort of request to try and get along with Mika, for his sake.

Killua schools his features into calm, contained ones, resolving to not let any of his feelings disturb Gon further. It was over. Killua would be forced to deal with Gon for the remaining week. That was it. They would never see each other again, except for when Leorio and Kurapika forced them to meet up every two years or so, and they could live their own lives and ignore everything else.

Yup, that’s a plan.

Killua smiles plainly, sticks out his hand to shake Mika’s while making a great effort to not squash his dainty little fingers into bloody messes, and notices the way Gon eyes Mika’s hands nervously. In turn, Mika actually makes an effort squash _his_.

Killua had tried to be nice. For two seconds, yeah, but he had tried to be nice. If Mika’s going to be a dick about it, Killua can be worse.

Fuck the plan.

It’s on.

“Nice to meet you, Mika.” The name rolls off his tongue with a threat. _Mee-kah_. It doesn’t suit Gon at all. “I’m Killua. Gon’s _childhood_ best friend.”

Mika forces a smile.

“Nice to meet you, too. I’m Gon’s partner of two years.”

Killua can’t tell just what exactly is on, seeing that he’ll only be seeing the nasty fucker’s little face for a week, but something is definitely on.

Gon interrupts before any more glaring can be had, and he steps in between the both of them, waving his hands in an attempt to distract them. “Guys, why don’t we go have lunch together? Try to get acquainted a bit better!”

\---

They settle on the hotel’s restaurant, and lunch goes as smoothly as expected, with Mika rubbing himself – _his scent –_ all over Gon’s almost clear, beta body, and a part of him is glad that Mika’s stench hadn’t been nearly as present when they had met the day before.

Mika flirts and preens and twirls and acts like an omega taken out of a stereotypical romance novel, shaking his ass when he walks away to the bathroom (three unneeded bathroom breaks, Killua counts), and to Killua’s displeasure, Gon _indulges_.

After the third break, Killua feels compelled to say something. Subtle enough that it goes right over Gon’s head, but hits Mika where it hurts. Killua’s sitting across from them both after Mika returns, hips swaying where Gon’s gaze follows, when Mika turns to ask Killua why he’s in York New. There’s a tone in his question, one that’s more accusatory than curious, and Killua replies in kind.

“I’m here to relax for a week before a job.” He briefly considers adding ‘but that’s none of your fucking business,’ but he _is_ aiming for subtlety.

“Huh. By _yourself_?” And the way Mika says it, Killua can almost taste the arrogance in Mika’s voice, like him having a partner – or rather having Gon as his partner – automatically makes him superior in some way. Killua sighs, of course he would take a jab at him for being single. Typical Omega.

“Yeah, you see,” Killua says, almost tired. “I’m actually _capable._ Not a liability, so I don’t have to rely on my partner for every little thing.”

_Unlike someone else._

Not that he had a partner, but he’s not going to let Mika have the last word. He punctures every word with a smile and a hand serenely resting at his face, and he feels a surge of satisfaction when Mika blushes hard out of embarrassment, and looks away.

Gon winces. So much for it going right over his head. Oh, well.

After that, the conversation is loaded with every exchange of words. Mika and Killua can’t go longer than two minutes without passive-aggression being thrown around, and Gon tries to change the subject and make them laugh, but the reprieve only lasts a few seconds before it’s right back to their bickering. A part of Killua feels ridiculous because it’s like he’s in one of those movies that Alluka likes to watch about the two omegas fighting for the dumbass alpha that can’t decide who they prefer. It’s also a bit embarrassing, but Killua isn’t anything of not petty.

When Killua gets up to get dessert (he’s outgrown many things but he’ll probably take his love for sweets to the grave), and returns to the table _without_ shaking his ass, his breath catches in his throat and something tight squeezes at his chest. If it weren’t for his lightning-fast reflexes, he would have dropped the plate of Cheesecake on the spot.

He catches Gon and Mika in a moment of intimacy – one he’s not allowed to witness, shouldn’t be able to witness: Gon has his hands on Mika’s cheeks, foreheads pressed together with a bit of whipped cream from Mika’s cheesecake mushed on both their noses. The tenderness in Gon’s hands and smile makes Killua’s insides _ache_ like they never have before, and he remembers all of the moments when that tenderness had been for him, even if it was never so potent.

Laughter is seeping out of the both of them in deep, continuous chuckles; Killua can’t help but stand there and stare, a bit of sadness washing over him as he realizes that he’s not even angry at Mika because that’s what he would have wanted with Gon. It’s not about that. At least not entirely.

Killua just wants his best friend back. The adventure, the passion, the freedom.

He just wants to feel like his best friend was only his again.

When Killua sits back down at the table, he finishes eating quickly, and he makes up an excuse about having to leave soon to make preparations for work – anything to get him out of the restaurant faster. Mika seems to sense the shift in his mood, and while Killua expects him to hold him in contempt, tell him ‘yeah, back off, bitch’ with each stare, instead, his features soften and he almost looks sorry. Guilty. He’s still draped over Gon, but the glare has left his eyes and he relaxes considerably.

After that, the conversation mellows out some.

It hurts his pride to admit it (and only to himself, never to Mika), but Mika isn’t terrible. He’s a very _traditional_ Omega, but once Killua stops glaring daggers at him, he’s not unkind.  He’s still guarded, but once Killua recognizes that he’s… somewhat at fault for literally barging into their room and challenging Mika’s claim on his partner, they manage to have a somewhat pleasant, if awkward conversation.

Killua even manages to ignore Gon’s and Mika’s closeness for the last fifteen minutes, until Mika makes a face Killua doesn’t understand. Gon’s face, however, lights up with immediate recognition, a fondness that can only be born of a long-lasting relationship. This is a tradition for the two of them, Killua realizes. Gon immediately gets up with a shake of his head, Mika with a smile tugging at his lips, and just like that, they feel so far away.

Gon is back not a minute later with dessert, a raspberry tart drizzled with chocolate, and Mika looks like a child in a toy store. He mumbles a quick ‘thank you’ before he’s digging in almost sadistically into the tart, a pleased squeal growing in volume with each bite.

“Anything for you, love.” Gon replies, a lop-sided smile on his face.

“Hmm, you always know which one to pick.”

“Of course I do. You looked like you were in the mood for raspberry.”

Then, Killua feels like an outsider. Distant. Like he shouldn’t be there.

Killua thinks back to Alluka’s films, and he realizes how much like a movie this scenario is not. In the movie, he would have had a chance. Gon has made his choice – not that Killua was ever even an option – and the sole purpose of this trip was to kick start their friendship. Nothing more and nothing less. Only Killua misunderstood, and fought with Mika out of misplaced feelings of ownership he didn’t, no, doesn’t have a right to.

He feels stupid all over again, especially when he sees how happy Gon and Mika actually are.

It’s in their touches and the easy comfort, the inside jokes Killua isn’t privy to, not anymore, the way their gazes never seem to leave each other, and if they do, they’re back again soon enough. The way Gon’s eyes don’t seem to linger on _Killua_ anymore. It’s as clear as day. It’s like watching Leorio and Kurapika get together all over again, with the disgusting eyelash-batting and the hand-holding and the kissy-faces.

It hurts that Gon moved on without a second thought.

It _hurts_.

Killua smiles at the both of them, congratulates them, and gets up.

He really does need to make a few calls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! Thank you all so much for the comments on Chapter 1, and I hope you guys enjoy chapter 2 just as much! Introducing my sweey baby Mika, I hope you guys don't hate him too much.
> 
> (Also I know this is my second time writing shirtless Gon in a hotel room, but I can't stop.)


	3. Chapter 3

Even though Killua promises himself to not go out of his way to search for Gon (while not actively avoiding him, either), he seems to run into him and Mika at every turn. They’re always together, always holding hands, always on top of each other like they’re attached at the hip. By the third day, Killua decides that the only way to avoid them is to hole himself up in his room. Not even this proves to help him, however, because Mika Fucking Larsa will not leave him _alone._

On the third day, Mika makes an effort to reconcile by bringing Killua a basket of fruit without Gon’s knowledge, which Killua takes with no small amount of resistance. It’s like the final act of acceptance, or rather, surrender in the face of Gon’s and Mika’s relationship. Which stings his pride, but Killua isn’t stupid or a _total_ asshole, and if he wants to keep Gon’s friendship, at the very least he’s going to have to try to get along with his omega.

They share a brief conversation, and Mika actually tries be kind for once.

He feels _pity_ for Killua.

“Look,” Mika begins, hands fidgeting. “I’m really sorry for our rough start the other day.”

With a short intake of breath, mostly to control himself from snapping at Mika, Killua replies.“It’s fine, I’m used to barging in on Gon like that all the time ever since we were at the Heaven’s Arena. So that was my fault.”

Silence. Killua panics as he realizes what he’s said.

“I didn’t mean it like that! We would just-”

“You guys went to the heaven’s arena?”

“Oh.” Killua clears his throat. He feels dumb. They were twelve, of course it wouldn’t mean anything. “Yeah, back when we had just finished getting Gon’s Hunter license.”

“Oh! Sweet! Gon told me something about that, but he never went into the details.”

Killua shrugs. While he was willing to get along with Gon’s… omega (the word left a bad taste in his mouth), he would sure as fuck establish that he was the stronger one, and that if he wanted, Killua could fuck him up before he could say ‘Gon’.

A smirk pushes at his lips as he tries to sound as blasé as possible “Two-hundreds.”

Mika’s mouth goes wide at that, genuinely impressed.

“Woah… And you guys were twelve?”

Killua shrugs again. He wonders how boring it had to be for Gon to protect someone who couldn’t keep up with him. At least _Killua_ knows how to fend for himself.

“I actually reached the two-hundreds when I was eight, but yeah, we were twelve at that time.”

“Holy shit.”

“Welp, that’s what happens when you’re a Zoldyck. Crazy-ass training.”

Mika’s mouth goes even wider.

“You’re a _Zoldyck_? As in, the family of assassins that lives on top of Kukuroo mountain? The family that has butlers stronger than most hunters? The family that survived the chimera ant war? As in, the-”

 “Yes! Yes, all of those!” He screams, cheeks flushed as his hands cover Mika’s mouth to get him to _stop._ As much as he knows that his family is amazing, Mika was too loud and embarrassing, and he doesn’t need this kind of attention. Not from _him_ anyway.

Mika doesn’t seem particularly fazed.

“Wait! Of course, you’re Killua!”

“Yeah…? That’s me.”

“Killua _Zoldyck._ ”

Killua sighs.

“Yes. That’s me.”

“You were all over the newspapers when I was thirteen. The whole chimera ant debacle thing. You still are all over the papers, actually. You do a lot of high level missions.” Then he slaps his forehead, and groans with an air of frustration. “Gon never tells me that he knows all these cool people, dammit.” 

At that, Killua has to snort. He’s encountered fans among the hunter’s ranks, because their deeds in the Chimera Ant war gave both him and Gon the rank of a single star Hunter when they were fourteen, but he never expected Gon’s omega to be one of them.

“Gon’s a pretty important hunter himself. So is his dad.” Killua says, because really, he’s impressive but not any more than Gon.

“Yeah, but it’s kind of weird when it’s your boyfriend, you know?”

Ah. The charm was broken. Whatever niceties he’s managed to have with Mika are over he doesn’t want to see the brat’s face ever again.

“And besides, Gon won’t even let me meet his dad, so I’m not-”

“Actually!” Killua interrupts, voice cracking at the end and just about two steps from ripping Mika’s face off. “I just remembered that I really need to prepare some stuff for my job. It’s coming up real soon, so! Thanks for the fruit!”

He doesn’t let Mika get a single word in before shutting the door in his face and putting the offensive basket of fruit on his desk. It’s easy to deal with Mika when he can pretend he’s not dating Gon. He could even say that he liked him, that they could be friends… Until he had to call Gon his _boyfriend._

It’s like they both keep rubbing it into his face.

It’s not fair.

He’s so _stupid_.

Killua spends the rest of the evening in his room.

\---

After that, Killua doesn’t see much more of Mika in the three days before he has to leave. _Smart brat_ , he thinks. He’s grateful for it, though, even if it’s mostly the result of him keeping himself locked in his room. As much as he wants to spend time with Gon, and as much as coming up with excuses every day for why he can’t go out with them has become increasingly tiring, Killua can’t bring himself to see them anymore. It’s stressful and painful and just plain _sad_ because Killua knows how great he and Gon can be when they’re together.

Fun. New. Exciting. Adventurous. The best times of his life.

He wants that. He misses that so _much_ that he can’t really put it into words. He’s been wanting that for five years. But he doesn’t want _this_.

Killua feels something akin to guilt pulling at his gut because it’s like he’s rejecting Gon. He’s so hung up on the past and the way they used to be that he can’t accept him the way he is now. At the same time, however, he’ll only be seeing him for one more day, and then they’ll officially stop being a part of each other’s life, as much as he doesn’t want it to be that way. Gon has moved on and found his own place in the Hunter world. He doesn’t need Killua, and Killua certainly doesn’t need him, either.

Although, needing and wanting are two different things.

The night before he’s supposed to depart for the Gelano Manor, where he’ll be staying for the next months, Killua’s all too eager to pack. His things are ready by the time the sun is setting, and he calls the receptionist to get him a taxi at seven in the morning. He’s due at the manor by twelve, but the drive is three hours long and he’d rather be early than be late. Yorknew is known for its beastly traffic and he needed to make a good first impression if he wants to keep his job.

When he deems that everything is prepped up to go, including himself, he goes down to the Myatt’s small cafeteria to get something to eat. He’s been holed up in his room most of the day, and the need to stretch his legs has been eating at him.

He immediately regrets his decision. Once again, he finds Gon and Mika in line, with just a single person between them. He shouldn’t even be surprised anymore, when Killua decides to brave the world outside his room, it happens like clockwork: the hell couple is always near. Deciding to play stupid, Killua pretends he doesn’t notice them while also ignoring the fact that Gon is very possessively holding Mika’s hand. He also realizes that Mika’s omega stench had disappeared.

Good riddance.

Killua hopes that neither of them will notice him in the line when they leave, but Gon, as always, is hyperaware of everything and the moment Killua shifts his weight onto his left foot, he turns around to face him.

His face lights up in surprise.

Disengaging from both the line and Mika, almost too quickly, Gon stops before Killua. Neither of them say anything for what seems like an eternity, and even the cashier is forced to stare at them as they stop the whole line behind them.

Mika’s next, but he opts to stay put and observe them, much to the cashier’s chagrin.

Gon clears his throat. The cashier waves at the people behind Killua with a sigh. “Hi, Killua!”

Killua takes a deep breath. This wasn’t going to be fun. “Hi, Gon.”

Gon could probably talk to a wall if someone left him alone long enough. Talking to an unwilling Killua was a walk in the park. “I heard you were leaving tomorrow? So am I.”

“Mhm…” his voice comes out slow as he considers how much information Gon needs to know. Killua’s ready to abandon this mess of a reunion, and the less Gon knows, the better. “My new job has me stuck in the same place for a while, starting tomorrow, so.”

“Oh.”

“Yup.”

“That’s funny, though. My job has me holed up in a manor for four months.”

Killua’s eyes go wide, and then he squints because _of fucking course._

Killua’s not stupid.

Killua can put two and two together.

Killua can tell when Kurapika tries to plan things and he doesn’t see how well they worked until the bomb has dropped, and he’s stuck in the single, most horrifying predicament ever.

Kurapika’s in so much shit.

Killua already knows what he’s going to say to him, because Kurapika _knew_ about Mika. In fact, Leorio probably did, too. The only fucking person who didn’t know about Mika Larsa was _him._

Killua grits his teeth, and then, “You’re working for the Gelano bodyguard job aren’t you? The one with the Kaya girl?” Killua knows the answer before Gon’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Fucking Kurapika. He was such a mom sometimes.

“Yeah! How’d you know?”

“Because I am, _too_. And Kurapika set us up.”

“Huh? Set us up for what? I got that job by myself-”

“Set _me_ up, then.” Admittedly, one part of Killua’s happy. Overjoyed, really. He’ll be able to spend some quality time with Gon, without Mika hovering around and serving as a horrible reminder of what Killua’s present situation is. Even though Killua can’t have what they used to, at least he can make the fantasy last for four months. That’s enough to satisfy him. Maybe Kurapika wouldn’t get his full wrath this time.

“Well, whatever. The point is, you get to come with me on my job. It’ll be like old times.”

Things are finally shaping up, and while the idea of protecting somebody sounds dull and tiring as hell, his job is suddenly looking much more appealing. A warm feeling sets in Killua’s stomach, and he pulls the brightest smile he can, one he hasn’t been able to ever since he found out about Mika.

Mika. Useless, baby, omega Mika, who will probably sit around home for ages waiting for Gon to come back while Killua has Gon all to himself.

But then, his short-lived dream is shattered as Mika has to open his mouth and ruin everything, _again._

“You mean _our_ job, love.” Mika has his hands around Gon’s shoulders again, and Killua can sense a bit of Mika’s possessive anger directed towards him as he holds Gon’s frame closer to his.

Gon’s shoulders shake with sheepish laughter. “Right, right. I never get used to saying that.”

The overpowering need to repeatedly slam his head into the wall next to him almost takes Killua over. So much for his fantasy. _I’m going to have to live with these two for four fucking months?_ Kurapika was _so_ dead. He thinks it might even be a better idea to call the damn thing off. He’s a single star hunter. If he wants work – good work with good pay – he’s going to get it. He has no need for this.

But then, he notices the look Gon’s giving him, like he’s read Killua’s fucking mind and he _really really really_ wants them to go. For old time’s sake, his eyes say. And just like when they were kids, Killua can’t really say no.

“I just want to talk to you, alright? We didn’t get the chance to talk at all this week and I know I was busy because I was showing Mika the ropes on how to get hunter work, but –”

Killua is unable to control his laughter. Mika? A hunter? The bitch looks like he can barely hold his own hands up, much less be a _hunter_.

“He’s a _hunter_?” Killua’s laughter then sparks into full-blown guffaws, and although he can tell that Mika’s glaring at him, Killua can’t control himself. How did he even pass the exam?

“Yeah.” Gon says, not a single line of laughter in his face, forcing Killua to school his expression back into a more serious one.

“Does he even know Nen, then?” He should at the very least know Nen. The mission wasn’t particularly difficult, but it wouldn’t be easy on a newbie.

“Yeah, I taught him.”

Killua groans as he raises his fingers to massage his temples. Of course he did. He can already feel the impending headache.

“No, Gon. Does he know how to use it in a way that will actually benefit us?” Mika tries to get a word in to defend himself, his face puffed up and hands tense as if he’s ready to beat the living shit out of Killua (and isn’t that _hilarious_ ), but Gon speaks over him.

“Well, yeah… I mean, he needs some training but-”

“You brought someone you’re going to have to protect to a job in which you have to protect someone _else_?”

This was beyond Killua’s personal issues with Mika. He’d had the misfortune of being on missions with newbies multiple times, and they somehow always managed to get themselves into a huge fucking mess that Killua always had to be responsible for because he was the leader. They’re newbies – fucking up is what they _do_. The fact that he was going to have to sit through their romantic slobbering in their most-likely-shared-rooms only made it worse.

“I just thought that it would be a good idea to introduce him to Hunter work with me as his failsafe. We’re just used to doing everything together!”

And, oh, does that _sting._

Because Gon loves helping people, especially those dear to him. Killua looks at Mika once again, and he really can’t get it in his head how Gon thought it would be appropriate to take Mika on this job. He never pegged Gon for the type to be blinded by love, but even if he is now, this is beyond ridiculous – the kid can’t even take Killua’s scrutiny without flinching. What would happen when they were facing someone who would literally to try to kill them?

Mika would be a liability. To the both of them, because Gon cares about Mika and therefore, Killua would have to _somewhat_ care about him as well.

This is ridiculous.

“You never think things through! You haven’t changed at-”

“Alright, I think that’s between Gon and me.” Mika finally interrupts. With his dainty little hands on his hips – Killua can’t help but think about how omega-like that pose is – a raised eyebrow and his puny aura screaming ‘back off!’ as Killua bristles.

His outburst makes Killua’s blood boil. Mika’s making it personal (and okay, maybe it is a little bit), but it’s a fucking _fact_ that Killua is a single star hunter and Mika’s not. Killua knows what he’s talking about. He’s done this millions of times and him calling Gon out on his crap has nothing to do with his relationship with Gon, and only with the way Mika’s going to fuck everything up. More than he already has.

“No. You’re going to drag Gon down, and therefore you are a risk to our charge. This is not just between you and Gon, seeing as I’m also a part of the team.” He says, because while he will concede to Mika his relationship with Gon because he has no choice, he will not concede to him his authority on hunter matters.

And then, to finish, “this is your fucking job, not your honeymoon.”

Both Gon and Mika have their mouths open wide, Mika’s cheeks aflame with shame and Gon’s eyes cast with something he can’t quite put his finger on, but nonetheless Killua is done. He knows Gon wants them to take the same cab to the manor, but he won’t. He can’t. Killua’s taking a separate taxi and he knows for a fact that the Gelano’s have more than enough rooms to accommodate all of them in separate ones. Fuck having to look at them sleep in the same damn bed.

His hunger forgotten, Killua turns around to leave. He’s _done_.

“Killua-” Gon’s voice rings softly into his ears, a bit of worry laced in it as he holds onto Killua’s wrist for the second time that week. Of course he’s worried. Perhaps Gon wanted to pick up right where they left, but that wasn’t going to happen. Killua wasn’t strong enough to endure this for one week, much less the rest of his life.

Just as he’s about to rip his wrist from Gon’s hold, a couple of men in black suits, obviously security, tap his shoulder. They’re not pleased.

“Alright, that’s enough! I don’t know what sort of catfight’s going on here but I need you guys to stop. Everyone on the damn floor can hear you. Take it outside.”

Killua huffs. Catfight. They’re not in a fucking _movie._

Killua knows that Gon is frying his brain to say something, _anything_ – can almost hear his brain heating up as he thinks. And maybe, if he had been thirteen, he would have waited for Gon to finish. But that was over. He was twenty, and they had gone their separate ways, and Killua needed to get that into his head.

This was final.

There was no going back now.

Killua leaves before Gon can say his name again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry, guys! College has been destroying my life and I do have the next chapters pre-written so it won't be that long for the next ones!


	4. Chapter 4

The drive to Gelano Manor is uneventful. Killua wakes up at six to make sure everything’s ready one last time – something he’s done ever since a mission a few years back left him stranded because he didn’t pack as thoroughly as he should have – and he’s checking out by fifteen to seven. While he doesn’t get a lot of rest the previous night thanks to distracting thoughts, the taxi is comfortable enough to give him time to nap.

He wakes up exactly ten minutes before the three hour mark, and he’s pleased to know that his instincts are spot on, as always. Once the cab leaves him in the middle of the highway (Killua wasn’t expecting the driver to actually know where the damn place was; in fact, part of his job was probably finding the mansion to prove his worth as a hunter), he finds the manor in twenty minutes. Mostly because of the distance he had to cover to get there.

It’s big, and in the middle of fucking nowhere. Surrounded by thick woods that are meant to hide it, the long stretches of forest only serve to enhance its beauty. The manor’s not as imposing as his old home back on Kukuroo Mountain, but the elaborate decoration more than makes up for the less-than-impressive size.

A large fountain rests before the entrance of the manor, sitting on a wider, circular patch of grass adorned by intricate shrubbery that screams overcompensation to Killua.

The front door, majestic and pearly white, has four pillars with golden patterns, a pair of marble wings hanging on top of the door. The rest of the manor is less opulent in its expression, but the brick walls and deep gray shingles decoratively placed on the roof only help to magnify the whiteness of the entrance.

The place has three wings, the central one, and two wings that extend into the forest on either side of the main wing.

Killua likes it. It’s grand while not reminding him in the slightest of the Zoldyck Manor, and it’s still small enough that it can be easily patrolled with the use of En and no more than ten skilled hunters.

And he might as well like it. If he was going to spend almost half a year with the hell couple he might as well find something pleasant to hold onto… Besides the ridiculous pay.

As he reaches the front gates, which open automatically for him, a voice in the intercom at the front tells him to go around the manor and enter through the backdoor. He’ll wait there until the clock chimes twelve like the job description had told him, and then he’ll get his instructions.

Killua’s more than glad that he packed the Sudoku book for once.

 The remaining hour and a half goes by quickly, and Killua is glad to know that he was the first one there. Five other people slowly fill the room after Killua arrives, and once Gon and Mika get there (only five minutes before twelve o’clock, Killua notices, relief at the fact that he didn’t have to force himself to engage in small talk with them spreading through him), there’s a total of eight bodyguards.

Killua immediately knows that Gon and he are the strongest, and Mika is the weakest in the group. The other five hunters aren’t weak. They’re not strong, either.

When Killua’s watch strikes twelve, and the obnoxious noise produced by the grandfather clock in the corner behind him follows, a man that appears to be in his early forties walks through the door that leads to the rest of the manor.

He smiles at them with feigned kindness.

“You are gathered here because you met the qualifications of a well-rounded hunter. Lady Kaya will be needing your protection as Sir Gelano travels for the next four months for business. He took most of the manor’s guards with him at my insistence.” He sits down. “I am Gahre. I have been Lady Kaya’s bodyguard ever since she was born, and I will also be your boss and command relay while Sir Gelano isn’t here.”

He also informs them all that because they had all gotten their jobs due to their reputations and contacts, since Sir Gelano’s traveling had come up quite spontaneously and therefore they had had no time to prepare.

Apparently, Lady Kaya only needed _three_ bodyguards besides himself.

His demeanor changes entirely.

“That means, if any of you fuck up, you’re out. I don’t care if you’re a single star hunter” Gahre directs a pointed stare at Killua “-or if you beat the fucking ant king, or whatever.” then he shifts his eyes towards Gon and crosses his hands on his lap. “That doesn’t mean anything here. Your reputation got you here, and that means you have no second chances to prove yourself.  The pay is handsome and if you want it, work for it. Now introduce yourselves to each other and play nice. I’m your boss. Not your nanny; I won’t take any internal disputes over petty shit. Three fights and you’re done.”

Killua groans internally. He already hates this job and it hasn’t even started. How the fuck is he going to stop himself from fighting with Gon’s bitch around?

With a sigh, Killua stands up. He figures he might as well start first. Impressing his boss seems important and Killua’s not anything if not a man with initiative.

“I’m Killua. Nice to meet you all. Don’t get in my way, know how to work in a team when it’s needed, and we won’t have a problem.”

There’s a penetrating silence in the room – and Killua both loves and hates it. The silence is a reverent one, only people that live under a fucking rock don’t know who he is, but sometimes he has to wonder if it’s still the last name or if it’s his own deeds that get him that much respect. But, he realizes, it doesn’t matter, if it’ll give him some authority over the other bodyguards, he’ll take it.

Gon follows suits.

“I’m Gon. What Killua said. If we’re going to be working in smaller teams-” Gon turns to Gahre “-Killua and I work best. We have before and we know each other’s abilities.”

Gahre nods with understanding. At the very least the man is open to suggestion. Once again, a reverent silence fills the room – Gon’s accomplishments in the Chimera Ant War made him almost as famous as his father, and his losses have been publicized to the whole of the hunter community and the world. It wasn’t a pretty aftermath, but it got him as much respect as he would ever want. It made things easier.

Gon starts to introduce Mika before the brat in question pinches his side, smiles wide, and almost screams: “I’m Mika. This is my first job as a hunter and while I am inexperienced, I’m willing to learn. Please treat me kindly.”

Reputation. That means Gon vouched for him. But Mika admitting that also took a lot of guts, and Killua was impressed by Mika’s honesty and straightforwardness. It was a dumb fucking move, as he had literally given all of them the authority to treat him like a hacky sack, figuratively speaking, but it was ballsy.

The others introduced themselves in quick succession. Yorle, a small, plump little man that couldn’t have been older than thirty and reminded Killua of Senritsu. Manara, a tall woman in a black trench coat, around forty-five years old, with a bald head and tear tattoos on her cheekbones. Lutus, a twenty-year-old girl with pink hair, and pink shoes, and pink pants, and pink everything, probably even her damn nen. Shanny, another young woman with an oddly styled pair of boots that seemed to meld into pants, and enough bracelets on her arms to fill the room. Finally, Ferian, who was completely unremarkable except for his bald head.

Gahre seemed satisfied with the introductions, and he immediately put all of the hunters in smaller groups. Gahre himself chose Killua and Gon as his team members, although he warned them that they wouldn’t be spending any time near Lady Kaya in the beginning, and therefore would be left alone most of time (much to Mika’s upset), and dubbed them Team A. Manara, Mika and Yorle were put in team B for both Manara’s and Yorle’s experience to help Mika along. The remaining members were put in team C for their long-range, mid-range, close-range complementation.

Teams would move together at all times in emergency situation, and would share rooms for the sake of mobility.

Killua shrugs Mika’s mental daggers off with ease. _Dickhead._

Once Gahre explains their roles, which mostly consist of “I’m going to be observing you until you morons prove to me that you’re trustworthy and strong enough to protect Lady Kaya. The manor needs patrolling anyhow,” Killua understands that the child isn’t in that much danger, and it was more than likely just a paranoid father with illusions of grandeur and an overly-stroked ego.

Easy money.

Gahre then finalizes his supposedly-intimidating speech. “Now, I don’t mind any of you fucking around with each other, but if there are any catfights going around, I don’t wanna hear about it. Heat season’s right in the middle of your working periods, but you’re taking your damn pheromone inhibitors for a reason, and I don’t want your behavior to reveal what your pills don’t. Am I clear?”

Killua rolls his eyes.

They all nod.

\---

Once Mika’s done pouting and hanging all over Gon because ‘ _baby_ , I won’t get to see you’, and the remaining members of the team are done gagging, Gahre leads all of them to their rooms. Each wing of the manor gets a team – something Killua is very grateful for, as this literally means that as long as the Lady isn’t in danger, there won’t be any converging with the other teams. Fighting with inexperienced hunters is a difficult and nasty little business, and Killua will avoid it as much as he can.

Unless, of course, Mika comes visit them every day, which isn’t completely out of the question. He finds comfort in the fact that Gahre will not be sleeping with them as he has his own room.

Which means, Killua and Gon have the room to themselves.

Killua doesn’t know if he should feel happy or just nervous, because the idea of spending the better part of four months alone with Gon is one that both terrifies him and fills his stomach with butterflies.

After the other two teams are dropped off at their respective wings, and Mika shoots Killua an ‘I’m watching you’ glare, Gahre finally leaves Gon and Killua in their room. He explains that they will be meeting the “Little Lady” the next day at noon, and that that was the only time they would ever see her unless she was in danger. Sir Gelano very much intended to keep her locked up for the duration of his business trip, so there shouldn’t be any real threats, but the man was ‘just making sure’ by hiring the hunters.

So, essentially, the job is a paid vacation and the only thing he has to do is walk around the right wing of the manor a couple of times a day while using his En and he would get a hefty sum of money at the end, all while getting time alone with Gon. If he could remove Mika from the equation, it would have been perfect, but as it was, it’s pretty damn good.

Gahre shows them where most of their utilities are in the right wing, and where their closets and bathrooms are. There are two queen-sized beds in their room, which is too _periwinkle_ and too _coordinated_ , with the drapes and the decoration in the bathroom matching the bedding in both color _and_ design, an annoying array of polka-dots, but the fact that they have a huge bath tub more than makes up for it.

They receive their schedules. The three of them will patrol with their En in shifts. Whoever is responsible for the morning shift would patrol from eight in the morning to three in the afternoon.

The person responsible for the evening shift would patrol from three to ten. At night, surveillance would be tighter, and therefore, the use of En would increase: once every hour from eleven at night to seven in the morning. Whomever was the last person to stand guard for the night shift would not have to patrol at all for the next day. Simple, effective and all of them would be allowed enough rest that they would still be strong enough to protect Lady Kaya should the need arrive.

Gahre offers to patrol the first night, followed by Gon volunteering for the second night, which left Killua the third.

Once Gahre is done explaining the details of the job itself, he tells the both of them to get their stuff out of their bags and get used to the manor. They had the rest of the day off to settle in, and then, long hours of hard work. After an excessive amount of swearing and attempting to look intimidating, the man leaves.

“Ugh, Finally!” Killua says. The man had talked to them for almost half an hour, and Killua has been itching to unpack ever since he got to the mansion. Immediately, he pops his suitcase open and starts hanging things in the closet, which only has a single can of hebreeze in it. “I’m taking the right next to the door and the right side of the bathroom, Gon.”

No response.

Killua ignores the burst of irritation in his chest, and instead he moves on to unpacking his bathroom necessities as well. Then, inside the bathroom, he skips out on the shower to stare at the beautiful, Jacuzzi-sized bathtub. He’s going to abuse the damn thing so much, and Killua’s smile is up to his ears when he turns on the faucet to fill it up.  As he waits for it to be done, he pulls out a book he’s been meaning to read for ages now, and props himself up on his bed.

The noise, or lack thereof, that Gon is making, however, keeps distracting Killua. Gon hasn’t begun to unpack, or even opened his suitcase, or even looked around the room at all. It’s not any of Killua’s business, but Gon’s silence is nagging at him, and so, he closes his book.

“Gon.” He calls softly. Gon doesn’t grace him with a reply. Killua calls him a few more times without raising his volume, one, two, three, four times.

_Oh, enough._

After leaving the bed to get Gon’s attention (apparently wanting to read a book is too much to ask for), Gon waves him away before his hand connects with Gon’s shoulders. So he _was_ listening.

“Gon, will you stop pulling a tantrum and tell me what’s wrong?” Killua starts, a bit louder than he means to. If the both of them wanted to work together, they were going to have to _talk_. As awkward as the past week had been, Killua refuses to spend the rest of his time with Gon skirting around their issues and walking on eggshells.

“I’m just worried, alright? Nothing big. Just focus on the job. I’ll do my part.” Gon’s voice is quiet. Like he’s not really there at all. Killua rubs at his temples, a sigh on his lips.

“Gon, that’s not –” _what I wanted to hear. How I want you to treat me._ “–what I meant. I’m your friend, I worry. I know you can do your job.”

How that they even gotten to this point? They had talked non-stop only a week ago, but when it came to deep, _meaningful_ conversation, they couldn’t even go one minute without emptiness filling the room every time one of them said something.

“Right.” Gon says, sighing. His shoulders relax, and he turns to Killua with an indecipherable expression on his face. He’s smiling, but it doesn’t reach his eyes – a terrible imitation of an expression Gon used to make when they were children, always there when he would apologize for his innocent mistakes. Right now it feels hollow. “Sorry.” And then, Gon falls silent, clearly intending on not adding anything else.

The silence that follows is a heavy one. A silence that indicates that Killua is coming up against one of Gon’s boundaries – Killua is _prying_ – and that his worry was deemed superfluous, unnecessary. Not friends. Just comrades, working for the same boss.

And then it hits him. Gon is a social butterfly – he _knows_ how to talk to people – and Killua had mistaken their easy exchange for the illusion of a deep friendship. Killua realizes that maybe Gon had mistaken the depth of their friendship as well. They still had the words, the banter, the way it flowed easily whenever they had to talk to each other, but the real _connection_ wasn’t there.

Killua wonders if his questioning would even be welcome anymore. What happened to their previously inexhaustible drive to be with each other? Had they just changed so much that the memories of their hours-long conversations of exploration and wonder would stay just memories?

In the pub, they had tried to pretend that they could just pick things back up from where they left off five years ago. It had worked pretty well, too. But now Killua understands that that was only wishful thinking. Hell, Gon hadn’t even told him that he had been in a relationship – not through the phone, not when they had dinner, not _ever_. He had to discover that for himself, with Mika draping himself over Gon naked. Those five years that they hadn’t seen each other had taken its toll on their relationship, and trying to pretend otherwise would only make things worse.

Killua could have let it drop then, acknowledge that they were too broken to ever be as close as they used to be, that their late-night conversations were no longer meant to be, turn around, and never talk to Gon again outside of professional matters for the whole duration of their job. In fact, it sounded easy, and to a certain extent pleasant. He had been so willing to do just that in the hotel after meeting Mika, because he knew that trying to talk to Gon when he was together with Mika would only be an exercise in pain and frustration.

Perhaps it would be. It definitely would be.

But that isn’t Killua. That has never been Killua. He hasn’t come to terms with the way Gon’s life has developed, and a part of him knows that it’s not his right to question it, regardless. But even so, more than anything, he still wants to be a part of Gon’s life. He still misses Gon.

He still misses Gon so much.

And now, they have a golden opportunity to make up for lost time.

Maybe it would never be the way it used to be, but if both of them worked together, they could make something new, something even better. Killua decides then and there that, at the very least, he would try. He’s done running away.

“Any time, now.” Killua finally says. Only three words, and yet it feels like Killua is at the brink of something. If Gon doesn’t answer straightforwardly it’s his cue to back down for good. His breath catches, and the tick-tock of the clock penetrates his skull with terrifying precision. The sound gets louder in his head, his hands start to sweat, and then –

Gon laughs. Loud and clear and more than a little embarrassed, and the brief moment of terror is broken. Killua breathes easy when Gon sticks his tongue out, the apologetic smile back – the _real_ one.

“It’s kinda dumb…”

“That could be argued about a lot of the stuff you say. Out with it.”

“Ouch.”

“Oh, _please_. Stop derailing.”

“I wasn’t! I’m just worried about Mika, alright?”

Killua doesn’t even have it in him to be angry. Of course Gon would be worried about his little omega. It’s his first job and they had hoped to do it together, now the poor brat’s alone, inexperienced, and without his boyfriend.

“Gon, this is ridiculous. It hasn’t even been two hours.” He says anyway. Killua knew he would be a liability, but he wasn’t expecting him to be one until actual combat. But.. It’s always been his job to keep Gon grounded.

“I know! It’s just that he’s not used to it…”

“Then you shouldn’t have brought him!”

“Well, he has to get experience somewhere.”

“Yeah, but-”

Another barrier.

“It’s none of your business, anyway.”

‘Yeah, because you won’t fucking let me make it my business’ is on the tip of his tongue, because it hurts to hear him say that a second time. But that was in the past. Killua holds his tongue. He wants it to be his business, wants it so bad that he’d do anything for it, but he had just made a decision to work for it, and he would be patient.  That’s one step forward, and one step back, but it’s only the first day.

Baby steps.

After that, they don’t say anything to each other. Gon leaves for a few hours (Killua assumes that he runs off to see Mika), and Killua falls asleep during his two-hour bath. When Gon comes back, just before they decide to go to sleep, their only words are a short and polite ‘good night’ before Gon’s light snoring penetrates the clear silence of the room.

_Well, the bed is comfortable_ , Killua thinks before he falls into the lull of his sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter done! Finally kind of going somewhere, but we've still got loads of chapters to cover! I know this one is a bit boring but it was a necessary evil. I hope you guys enjoy it! <3


	5. Chapter 5

Just as Gahre had told them, their meeting with Lady Kaya is arranged at noon. Killua had woken up later in the morning, only two hours before their meeting with the miss, and Gon had been on patrol all morning as per their schedule, so they didn’t see each other until the whole group was brought together for the introduction.

Gon, unsurprisingly, arrives with Mika on his arm to the dining room in the central building of the mansion, and sits in front of Killua near one end of the table, with Mika on his left. As they wait for Lady Kaya to arrive, the maids serve them tea (earl grey, Killua immediately recognizes), and in the split second it takes him to look up to thank the maid as she leaves, Mika proves, yet again, that it _is_ actually possible for someone to piss Killua off just by breathing.

Killua immediately shifts his eyes towards the empty seat at the other end of the room, refusing to look at the way they’re all over each other, but he can hear their attempts at quiet giggling across the table. They’re baby-talking each other – Killua doesn’t know how to feel about _that_ – and a part of him strongly believes that Mika’s doing it just to spite him, but he knows that’s not the case. They were just being themselves, which only makes everything _worse._

Before he can say something, because five minutes of their gag-worthy public displays of affection were five minutes too many, Gahre throws the dining room’s doors open and stands reverently at the side, letting whom Killua assumes to be Lady Kaya in.

The word ‘Lady’ is an exaggeration.

The kid can’t be older than twelve, and yet, she’s dressed in an exuberant red velvet gown with an elaborate black lace on the hems of the dress, which is supposed to look elegant but only makes her look like a cheap doll. The dress’s tail drags behind her, so far that it’s a surprise she can even carry the weight of the cloth, and the little lady walks with a tight, unforgiving posture. She reminds Killua of his mother in her pictures as a child. Controlling, organized, _perfect._

Then, she walks, slowly so as to not trip on her dress, lest she make an idiot of herself, and sits on her ‘throne’ at the end of the table. “Good afternoon, everyone. I am Kaya Gelano.”

She gives a speech similar to the one Gahre gave them the day before, if less vulgar and aggressive. For the first five minutes, she is the epitome of grace, the portrait of dignity and composure, the perfect little lady. Killua has to wonder for the poor kid’s future as he thinks of his own mother, and the way she could be all of those nice things while still turning into a fucking nutjob.

However, the charm of her entrance is soon broken, and precious Lady Kaya proves to be much less perfect than she had originally presented. As her speech goes on, she swats at her dress, pulls at her sleeves, spills the tea all over herself – a scared kid that doesn’t know what to do when her parents aren’t around. And with each mistake she makes, the tension in the room falls considerably.  

Gahre’s stern and angry expression, which had previously been directed towards the eight bodyguards, softens when the child begins to stutter through her embarrassment.

Nobody in the room comments on any of her little mishaps (Killua can’t tell if it’s out of fear for what Gahre might do to them if they do, or out of sympathy for the little lady), but her voice and her hands tremble more with each passing second, until she comes to a full stop. The poor kid’s eyes brim with tears when she turns to look at Gahre for support, and when Lady Kaya is about to finally start crying, Gon’s voice fills the room.

“Lady Kaya, if I may?”

The little miss breathes a long and heavy sigh of relief and she discreetly wipes her tears away before nodding.

He introduces himself first, and then, “While your speech was wonderful, I know that we would much rather hear your own words, if that’s fine with you.”

Something warm settles in the pit of Killua’s belly as he sees Lady Kaya smile wide, get up and run towards Gon while almost tripping just to give him a hug. Gahre jumps when she does, a ‘Lady!’ on his lips the moment she gets up from her chair, but she’s too busy thanking Gon to hear him. Gon pats her head before nodding to her.

She takes a deep breath, and says, “I know that you guys were hired by daddy to protect me and that it might not be fun, so I just wanted to ask you to be as comfy as you can. If you need the maids to help you… Or you want something yummy to eat, please ask for it. I hope you can at least have fun when you have some time off.” Then, she turns to Gahre and grabs his wrists.

“And you’re not allowed to be mean to any of them! Especially Gon!” At that, Gahre laughs with a ‘yes, of course, Lady Kaya’ before he asks her to say goodbye to her guests. She leaves with a smile gracing her lips still, waving at Gon, a faint blush on her cheeks.

Killua sighs. Even though the little lady was pleasant, he’s still glad _that’s_ over. The event was too stiff for his liking, too forced, but it’s probably the last time he would ever engage with her. Now he wouldn’t feel like he’s protecting a faceless name anymore.

When Gahre returns from leaving the miss in her room, he just knows that it’s to go off about Gon’s little stunt – he interrupted the little lady’s speech after all.

However, when Gahre opens his mouth, it’s not to scold Gon. “You’ve got my gratitude, Freecss. The little Miss isn’t used to this kind of deal yet so a small push in the right direction can go a long way.” His glare hardens as soon as he’s done, and then it’s like the whole thing didn’t happen. “Doesn’t mean I’m going easy on your ass, though.”

Just like that, Gahre screams at them that they’re dismissed, and as soon as their lunch break is over, they better get their asses to work.

The maids bring in multiple trays of foods; bread, salads, soups, ride, pork, chicken, beef, more sauces than Killua can count; food everywhere. _It really is like a paid vacation, holy shit._ Of course, the food is delicious, almost up to the Zoldyck standard, something he hadn’t seen in a while. Unfortunately for him, being used to eating shitty food didn’t mean he’d lost his princess palate.

“My god, this stuff is good.” Gon’s voice calls from the other end of the table. The rest of the group agrees with loud slurping and a low, almost sexual moaning. When Killua raises his head to nod, he breaks out into uncontrolled, so-loud-it-fills-the-whole-room laughter, as he realizes that Gon has already eaten through three plates of food. In less than fifteen minutes.

“Killua?” Gon asks.

“I’m glad to see that some things haven’t changed at all.” He replies, once his laughter has gone down, right hand pointing at Gon’s small but respectable amount of piled plates.

Gon shrugs. “What can I say? I still eat like a bear.”

“Yeah, and now you finally look like one.”

“Hey! I resent that! He’s not _that_ hairy.” Mika interjects, pulling a giggle out of both Gon and Killua. At least he could be funny when he wanted to. Killua changes the subject. He wouldn’t give him that.

“You know, it’s actually kind of weird to see you being so good with kids when you were a kid yourself las time I saw you.”

“Eh, well. I like kids.”

“Huh.”

“Oh, he does.” Mika starts. Killua knows that he’s going to say something bad, and he also knows that he’s going to hang on every word because he _loves_ getting pissed off at the omega. “In fact, my whole family says he’d be a great father.”

His wrists go slack at Mika’s words, but Killua catches the silverware in his hands before they can fall and make a single noise – before he can let Mika’s face twist up into a smirk. Mika was waiting for him to react, to scream, to say anything, but Killua is nothing if not prepared, and the smile he forces onto his lips almost _feels_ natural.

The idea of Gon being a father is one he would rather not think about at all, much less with that dick of an omega at his side, and he quickly kicks the picture out of his mind before it makes him sick.

“Is that so?” He says as he puts his fork and knife down. He’s not hungry anymore, in fact, he just wants to go back to the room, but that would just be conceding Mika a different kind of victory.

“Yeah, but no thanks.” Gon replies.  There’s a strain in his voice and hint of disgust, like he’s had the conversation before and he’s clearly not convinced by the idea. Mika just sighs.

“You can be so boring sometimes, love.”

After that, Killua can’t really take it anymore, and he’s essentially done eating, so he excuses himself and returns to his room to get ready for his shift.

\---

Once Killua’s done patrolling for the evening shift at nine thirty, he goes back to their room. A part of him hopes that Gon won’t be there – he just wants to relax without thinking about how he embarrassed himself during lunch – but given that his shift starts at eleven, it’s not very likely.

“Hey, no news?”  Gon asks when he hears him enter the room.

_The wonders of small talk_ , Killua thinks, laying down on his bed to let his feet relax. His shower could come later.

“Nope.” Killua can’t really think of anything to add, because he’s not going to resort to talking about the damn weather. It would make him feel like he lost in a competition of... whatever. He’s not that desperate to talk to Gon. Besides, Killua shouldn’t be the only one to start conversations. If Gon wanted to talk to him, he was more than welcome to.

Then, as if he had read his mind, Gon rolls on his bed to face him, eyes lit up with something not recognizable to Killua.

“You know, I kept thinking about what you said during lunch,” Gon’s voice comes out tentative, like he’s not sure where he’s going with the conversation, but Killua’s listening attentively. It’s the first time Gon has talked to him first since they got to the manor, and even if frothing stupidity comes out of his mouth, Killua will take it. “- and it really _is_ weird. At the world tree, we were both the same height and you had all this baby fat in your cheeks – I mean, so did I, but it’s just weird. Like, you were a kid and now you’re… not.” The last word he says while waving his hands in Killua’s general direction.

Of all the things Gon could have said. “Gee. Keen observation skills you’ve got there. You see, Gon, when time passes, people -”

“I see you’re still as snarky as ever.”  Gon quips back at him, but it’s a lighthearted jab.

“Of course. Snark is my middle name.”

Gon rolls his eyes at that, and falls back to the subject of Killua’s ‘newly’ acquired adult body. “You know what I mean.”

Then, Killua decides to takes a risk. It’s a single sentence, but to Killua it feels like he’s going to explode right then and there. He can already feel the pounding of his heart in his chest, the guilt and shame coiling in his stomach. But Killua’s a master at feigning confidence, so even if he feels stupid, his question comes out as smooth as Gon himself would have been. He asks “Like what you see, huh?” and then motions at himself.

Gon doesn’t even flinch.  “Well, yeah. That wasn’t my point but, yeah, can’t deny that.”

For a second, Killua thinks he didn’t hear right. In fact, there’s no way he heard that right.  His voice squeaks out a “What?”, and he can already feel the blood rushing to his face.

_You moron! See, this is why you shouldn’t ask stupid questions. You look like a fucking dumbass. Holy shit, why did I-_  

“I mean, you’re very... pretty.” The way he says it is so matter-of-fact that it takes Killua a few seconds to process the sentence.

“Stop that!”

“You asked!”

He screams out an, ‘I was joking, you idiot!’ when Gon does the stupid thing with his tongue and his hand on the back of his head. Killua remembers it being cute on Gon when he was a kid, and somehow, tall as he is, the action seems even cuter now that he’s a grown man. It doesn’t help Killua’s blush at all when Gon laughs at him, one of his satisfied little chuckles, followed by him saying that he knew that that would make Killua blush.

“Anyway!” Killua coughs, and once he feels that his face isn’t as red as Little Kaya’s dress, he changes the subject. His least favorite subject, but it was better than entertaining the possibility of Gon being attracted to him. “I see they’re trying to convince you to father some kids, huh?”

Gon’s expression immediately changes to one of exasperation. “Oh, god, don’t even get me started on that. Mika’s family is nuts –”

“Crazier than mine?” Gon had seen the Zoldycks. If Mika’s family deserved the title as well, they had to be pretty insane.

“No. I don’t think that’s actually possible. His is just, like… a different kind of crazy. They’re all omegas so it’s like their mission in life is to get hitched and have babies or something. I don’t know. It’s ridiculous.”

Killua laughs. Coming from a family consisting almost entirely of Alphas, he knew that particular one-track mindset well.

“I imagine you don’t go often, then.”

“Nah. Only for holidays and stuff. But every time I go they try to pull that crap on me. ‘Oh, Gon. You would make be such a wonderful husband and father!’ and they have this really obnoxious ‘wink wink nudge nudge’ thing going on. Mika and I play dumb all the time.”

Killua tries to imagine Gon’s kids and all he can think of is Gon when he was younger.  Gon scrunches up his nose when Killua says as much, shaking his head violently.

“Where’d you even meet him, anyway?” Killua changes the subject. It’s an honest question; he feels like so much has gone on since they parted ways, and as much as he hates to admit it, Mika is clearly an important part of Gon’s life, so he should ask about it. They’re friends. He wants to know about the things he missed out on when he was absent.

Gon makes a face, like he’s asking ‘you sure?’ to which Killua nods. He wants to find out, and at the same time he doesn’t want to, but if Gon wants to tell him, then Killua’s all ears. Even if it’ll hurt.

“Well, when I was seventeen, Mika was sixteen by the way, I had to stay at this little inn…” Gon starts, and for a second, Killua thinks that their meeting would be a dramatic, action-packed story where love rose in the heat of battle – that would suit Gon. But then, it turns out that Mika’s family owns an inn in Padokea, and he had multiple jobs in the area.

Gon describes their first meeting with so much zeal and love and nostalgia that Killua almost tells him to shut up. He can feel the affection emanating from Gon’s words, can see the way his features soften and his face lights up at the mention of Mika’s name.

_I don’t want to hear this._

“The first time I saw him, I was just, really overwhelmed by how beautiful he was.” Gon’s face takes on a dream-like quality, like he couldn’t really believe just how pretty Mika was, and to this day, it continued to surprise him. “I was in the small cafeteria they own – Mika used to do everything there – and he comes up to me to take my order. After he brought me my stuff I asked him to sit down with me and talk.”

_I don’t want to hear this. I don’t want this. “_ He was really... new. After travelling by myself for a few years, it occurred to me that I just really wanted someone by my side, you know?” _Shut up._ “We kept talking for the month that I stayed there. And I went back for weeks at a time during that whole year, and our relationship just progressed naturally. We did our own thing.” _Enough._ “His parents were all for us getting together. By the middle of the year, we were an item. And then in November, I came back a couple of weeks after he had presented Omega, and it just felt right to ask him out officially then.”

Presented Omega? Does that mean that Gon had already marked Mika?

The urge to ask drives him nuts. Killua has to keep repeating a mantra in his head: _It’s rude. It’s invasive. It’s not my business. What does it matter?_ all while Gon keeps talking with the same stupid, happily-in-love expression on his face. He goes on and on about how then they decided to travel together after a few weeks of Mika’s parents pushing, and that’s how they had spent the last two years together.

_Has Gon marked him? No. Calm down. Gon’s a beta. Mika smelled like an unbound Omega. I’m being stupid. It’s impossible. Both of them are unbound. Gon’s unbound. He can’t bind. He physically cannot bind. He’s unbound. He’s unbound. Gon’s a beta, and Mika stinks of unbound Omega. None of it makes sense, so why –_

Against his will, he can feel his mouth begin to form the first word of the sentence that will fuck up whatever he had managed to fix in their relationship. He can’t hold it in. He feels the way his heartbeat rises, the way the adrenaline rushes down his spine and stuffs his head – It’s the aggressive, possessive, Omega in him taking over, throwing his fears away and his caution to the wind, all because _he needs to know_.

“Gon -!”

“Oh, shit!” Gon abruptly gets up from his bed, rushing to put on his shoes after checking the time on his phone.  “It’s time for me to leave!” Gon is out the door the next second, and Killua breathes out a relieved sigh so strong that it leaves him light-headed. His ears were still stuffed up from the adrenaline high, and he falls back on his bed. _Fuck the shower._ _I’m sleeping._

As quickly as he had left, Gon’s head pops into the room, nearly giving Killua a heart attack.

“Hey! That was nice.” Gon says. “I miss –” he coughs. “Let’s talk more, yeah?”

Killua nods, and curls up on his bed. _I’ve had enough stress for one night._ Soon, sleep engulfs him, and he doesn’t even wake up when Gon comes back in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ending on a lighter note for once! Also on time for once! Hope you guys enjoy. Please don't hate Gon too much ;)


	6. Chapter 6

After that, the first three weeks are mostly uneventful. Killua, Gon and Gahre spend their time patrolling, and Gon and Mika meet up to share a meal at least once a day. Killua is always there for some unfortunate reason, and every day he wakes up thinking that he’ll mind their gross displays of affection less this time around, and every day he is disappointed.

However, on the few occasions in which Killua and Mika are forced to share a meal by themselves, it becomes clear to Killua that Mika isn’t interested in attacking him every five seconds ( _only_ when Gon is there), and he’s actually pretty funny. Killua’s still not fond of him, but knowing that he doesn’t have to be on edge whenever they’re alone is a load off his shoulders. He’s tense enough as it is, what with living with Gon and being hyper-aware of his every move.

Fortunately, they’ve established a particular rhythm; an implicit schedule.

When Killua patrols, Gon takes uses that time to meet up with Mika and take him out on picnics when the both of them are free.

When Gahre’s patrolling, and Gon doesn’t somehow convince Killua to go meet up with Mika somewhere in the manor, the two of them take the time to talk about everything and anything. They talk about their memories, about their old dreams and goals, about their new skills and the missions they’ve undertaken, the sights Killua saw with Alluka, the things Gon has seen with Mika. Mostly superficial stuff, but Killua has to wonder if it doesn’t bother Mika that Gon uses his free time to talk to Killua, to which Gon replies with a shrug and a ‘you’re important to me, too.’

Soon enough, Killua can feel that they’ve both done something right. A certain hollowness is still present in their conversations, and it doesn’t come as naturally as it used to, but every day it gets easier. Gon stops putting up barriers at every turn, or rather, he starts taking them down, and it feels less and less like Killua’s walking in a minefield, waiting to set something off. The connection isn’t coming back; instead, they’re making a new one.

Killua’s can’t say he’s upset with the way things have worked out: their schedule is a bit tight sometimes, and the graveyard shift could be annoying as fuck; eight hours just walking around and doing nothing wasn’t particularly fun, but the food was good, the beds were soft, the work was relatively easy, repetitive, but easy and not-dangerous at _all_ , and he got to talk to Gon for hours on end.

The first time they had any real trouble was on the Sunday of the third week. Killua had honestly been expecting them to not fight at all – mostly just pretend that the little lady was important enough that someone would want to kill her.

However, when Gon starts his graveyard shift that night, right after Killua has finished his own and he’s ready to get into bed after a pleasant shower, Gon rushes into their room with a finger on his lips in a ‘shhhh’ motion. 

Killua feels him before Gon’s hands are on his shoulder, and he already knows something is wrong. Gon only has to whisper ‘En’ into his ear for Killua to understand that Gon detected an intruder. He puts on his fighting shoes, not bothering to change into his regular clothes. Gon had already told Gahre before getting Killua, and the man was just waiting for them to reach the room where Gon’s En had detected the intruders.

Killua activates his In, hoping that it won’t alert the intruders of their presence, or lack thereof, while Gon takes them to a room in the floor below theirs. As Gon had said, Gahre’s already waiting for them at the entrance with his Zetsu, and he calls them over with his fingers.

When they’re at the door, Gahre makes a slashing motion across his neck, and counts down from five with his left hand.

Five fingers. Gahre puts his hand on the door’s handle.

Four fingers.

Three fingers.

Two fingers. Killua takes a deep breath and watches Gon do the same as they get ready for battle.

One finger. Gahre’s hand jerks.

They run into the room, eyes darting everywhere to look for the intruders. Killua has long since activated his En, and he can tell where the enemies are, but the room is large, he doesn’t know the layout, and they need to stay in the dark or risk giving the assailants an advantage they don’t need. The room is for storage, if the chairs, tables and excessive amount of furniture and paintings are any indication. Which means that if they have to fight, they’ll either have to take the fight elsewhere or destroy what was probably a fortune’s worth of stored goods.

Somewhere else it was.

Killua taps both Gon’s and Gahre’s shoulders to let them know that he’s going after them, dulling his presence further with his shadow step, and soon he reaches the place where the three intruders are hiding. All men. Killua’s right behind them, but none of them having noticed him standing over them, and they’re carrying very light weaponry. The men don’t look very strong, so Killua concludes that they’re robbers.

Good ones, too. Gon had only noticed them after they were already in the storage room.

It was their bad luck that they hadn’t been good enough to hide from Gon’s En. They probably didn’t even know what nen _was_ , but still, Killua releases his Zetsu to fight properly (better be safe than sorry) and, finally, the intruders react to Killua.

The one on the right runs towards the window, silent as he can when he’s essentially pissing his pants, but Gon’s already there not five seconds later, shattering his handgun with a single blow and knocking him out with a fist to the chest. The one in the center tries to run out the other window, but much like Gon, Gahre’s waiting for him and it doesn’t even take the man more than a second to break the thief’s arm and hit him over the head.

Killua’s aware of the fact that he’s being tested, so he knows he has to take on the third one. However, the man hasn’t budged at all, not to save his comrades, not to try to run away by himself, and not to try to face Killua. The man is either playing up his bravado, has no idea who he’s facing and therefore thinks he’s actually strong enough to take them on, or… the man knows who they are and he still thinks they can take them on.

There’s not a shred of nen on the man’s body, however, and Killua’s pretty sure that he’s not using Zetsu, so he figures it’s the first option. The man is trying to look tough. Ever cautious, though, Killua takes a step back to stay out of the man’s swinging range, and then, he lunges for his head.

He’s gone in the instant before Killua can reach him. He’d shut his En down to concentrate better, so he can only follow him by sound and sight, as his presence had disappeared the moment he had dodged Killua’s attack. Now, there’s movement near the windows, and then, the sound of an explosion of glass resonating throughout the room.

“Outside!” Gahre yells. Gon and Killua are already out the window and onto the manor’s courtyard when they see the thief again. Standing in the center, like he’s challenging all of them to a fight. There’s a sudden surge of nen coming from him, strong enough to put Killua on edge but nowhere near enough to make him fear for his life. He’s gotten the difficult one and as much as he fucking hates it, Gahre’s watching him with a critical eye, not making a move on purpose.

The gesture does more than just mildly irritate him. Killua has a rank and reputation for a reason, and the fact that Gahre’s constantly challenging him is fucking rude. Not just to Killua, but to the hunter association itself. 

“Killua, I want you to work with Gon.”

_What?_

_Excuse me?_ Now, Killua was fully offended. He’s small, but by no means, does Killua look weak. Killua’s physically not intimidating, but his aura should have demonstrated his strength. Just because Gon was big and brutish and frankly, the size of a fucking horse –

“Freecss here said you two work well in a team. When protecting the little lady, teamwork is essential. Individual strength is not, unless you’re left alone with her, which won’t happen. Now get to it.”

It seems almost like a waste of time for Gahre to be instructing them while the thief could literally use those ten seconds to run the fuck away, but for some unfathomable reason, the man was still there. Waiting, empty-handed and with Ren as his only weapon. Then, he disappears, and Killua immediately feels a presence behind him.

Killua jumps forward, and a foot, lightning-fast, flies over in a circular motion where his head. The strength of the kick sends the air flying into Killua’s direction, and the thief tries to use that as a chance to attack. Killua’s predicts this however, and he’s already behind the man, a flurry of punches at the ready. After the first two strikes, the man lets himself get taken in by knockback of his punches to gain some distance from Killua, and he’s back on his feet in no time.

He’s… fast. Not as fast as Killua, never as fast as Killua. But he’s fast and he’s a much better fighter than Killua expected, and while a part of him is worried that the man might try to escape at any moment, the part of him that is a hunter, that loves adventure and loves fighting is making his blood boil and his fists ache for a good fight.

Using his full strength would end the fight immediately. Killua knows this. One jump in Godspeed and two punches with thunderbolt and the man would either be dead, or nearing death. Killua kicks off with a jump instead, intending to hit his enemy square in the chest.

“Zoldyck! If I’m not mistaken, I just told your ass to work with Freecss.”

Killua forces himself to stop, schooling his features into anything but what he was currently feeling, and then he sweeps his eyes towards Gon. He hadn’t really made an effort to try to join the battle – poised in a defensive position, ready to help at a moment’s notice, but other than that, he had left Killua to fight by himself. The battle is once again interrupted, and still, the thief makes no move to try to escape. He launches himself at Killua when Gon starts to speak. “We usually fight alone.”

 “I thought you said you worked well together?”

“Yes, but we prefer fighting by ourselves.”

“What?”

“Otherwise, it’s not fair to the enemy.” Killua smirks. The thief tries to punch him in solar plexus after barely dodging another one of Killua’s flurries, but he’s faster. He catches the man’s fist in his own, and then Gahre starts screaming at them as he struggles.

“Alright, you cheeky little brats. I’ve had enough. I’m your boss. You listen to me. Now _work_ with him!”

At that, Killua decides to flat out hurl the enemy in Gon’s general direction (while barely missing Gahre), and Gon sprints forward to punch the thief in the face before he can leap out of the way. Gon’s punch is too slow, and once again, he manages to get out of their grip unscathed.

“So,” Killua starts, because the fight had been entertaining for a short while but he had the evening shift earlier and he really needed to get some sleep before his morning shift. “How do you want to do this?”

Gon shrugs. “Eh, what we always do.”

“So, wing it.”

“Yup.”

“Fine by me.”

They look at each other for a brief second, smiles up to their ears, and both take a right step forward. The thief barely processes that the both of them are there, Gon behind him and Killua in front, before he’s taken over by the relentless, unforgiving speed of their attack. They were completely in synch. Gon was the brawn and Killua the speed, and when the both of them fought together, they left no openings for anyone to counterattack. It was a little bit like dancing, they both had to be on the same wavelength. Otherwise, their formation would be broken. But it was so practiced and so natural that the need for analysis, for careful planning, to be conscious of each other’s movements was gone. Their muscles, their bodies, had not forgotten what it was like to fight together, had not forgotten the other’s rhythm.

Killua dives in, kick to the shin, kick to the shoulder, kick to the arm, and while he did his job to incapacitate the man, Gon makes sure that he has nowhere to run, following Killua’s every step on the other side. Then, as Killua is about to deliver his final kick, Gon readies his own – in the same instant, both connect, Gon’s on his right shoulder and Killua’s on his left rib.

The thief falls to the ground, where Gahre immediately binds his wrists with nen. Less than half a minute, and they were done. They hadn’t even used Ko.

Gon’s about to deliver a final blow to the man’s head to knock him unconscious, but Killua stops him.

“Wait, I’m worried about something.” Why had the man not run away when he had the chance? Was he hoping for this? Had he been expecting this? Was it part of his plan?

“Why didn’t you run?” Killua says slowly so as to not tip the enemy off.

With what little strength he has, the man laughs. “I’m not stupid enough to believe I can outrun you, Raijin.”

Then, Gon’s fist connects with his stomach, and he’s out like a light.

Gahre lets out a satisfied sigh before hurling the thief onto his shoulders. “Well, you two certainly live up to your reputations.”

 _Of course we do, dumbass._ Obviously, Killua keeps that to himself.

“Alright, enough with the ass-kissing. Go get some rest. You’ve still got work tomorrow.”

At that, Gahre leaves with the man still over his shoulder. Killua realizes that the poor sod doesn’t have much longer to live, but they’d done their job and proven their worth… somewhat, if Gahre’s condescension was anything to go by. Killua’s more than ready to get a good night’s sleep now, and he and Gon head back towards the room.

They don’t say anything on the way back, as both of them are still coming down from the adrenaline high. Not from the actual fight, but from fighting together. The way they had so effortlessly synchronized still amazes Killua – Gon’s presence, rather than being a nuisance in close-quarters combat, was a source of strength and confidence. The battle had been easy, even more so with Gon at his side. There was no challenge.

But fighting with Gon made things _fun_. He’d been fighting for himself so long since they had parted ways that he had forgotten how it felt like to have someone fighting by his side.

When they get back to the room, neither of them can sleep. The lights are off and they’re both in bed, but they can tell the other is awake.

“You know,” Gon begins, “that was really cool.”

“Yeah.”

“We used to prefer fighting by ourselves when we were younger. I wonder what changed.”

_It was a choice back then._

“We needed to train. We needed to get stronger.”

“Ooooh, and now the mighty Raijin doesn’t need that.”

Killua flushes. He hates being called Raijin – there’s something about being associated with the god of Thunder that is just innately embarrassing, and he hoped Gon would never find out about it.

“I can almost hear the blood rushing to your head.”

“Dammit, I didn’t ask for that nickname.”

Gon laughs, and Killua follows suit before their laughter turns into twin yawns.

“G’night, Killua.”

“Night, Gon.”

\---

The next day, unsurprisingly, Mika’s at their room early in the morning. He’s fortunate enough to not wake either of them up (what with Gon’s ungodly morning person tendencies and Killua’s early shift), but the incessant, violent slamming on the door gets on Killua’s nerves quickly.

“Gon! Mika’s at the door!” Killua yells from his bed, because he is trying to read before his shift starts and Mika’s not shutting _up_.

The buzzing of his electric toothbrush stops, “Yeah, I know.” And then starts back up again.

_Oh, for the love of-_

“Well, then tell him to stop screaming! It’s barely seven!”

Mika’s muffled voice comes in from across the door. ”Killua, open the door!”

 _Not like that, no,_ he thinks.

“What’s the magic word?” he yells back. Killua’s not in the mood to deal with Mika’s bullshit, and the fucking brat needs to learn some manners.

“What?”

“What’s the magic word, _Mika_?”

“Killua!” Mika’s clearly furious by now, but Killua doesn’t even care. He keeps trying to read his book through Mika’s puffs and empty threats, all the while humming to block him out.

Finally Gon’s toothbrush stops buzzing, and with a disappointed shake of the head directed towards Killua, he heads to the door.

“Fine! Have it your way. Can you please open the door?”

Not only two seconds later, the door opens and Mika barrels into the room with what Killua assumes to be a threatening display. Or an attempt at one, anyway.

“God, you are so-”Mika starts, voice shrill and high-strung and ready to deliver a tongue-lashing at Killua, when he sees his sweet, loving little boyfriend. “Gon!”

Then, something that only happens in Alluka’s movies unfolds before Killua. Mika literally _leaps_ into the air to reach Gon’s absurdly high neck, and Gon catches him at the waist, planting kisses on his forehead, cheeks and lips. Mika indulges in them and even returns a couple of them before Gon gently lowers him to the ground.

Killua’s so shocked by the display that he doesn’t even have the time to roll his eyes.

_Is that Gon?_

“Good morning, baby!” Gon says, too fresh for the early hours of the morning.

“Oh, don’t ‘good morning’ me! What happened?” Mika holds both of Gon’s hands in his own, and there’s some honest, heartfelt worry in his eyes. Killua thought that he had been playing his worry up to look like a traditional omega, but his panicking was genuine. The little man was a nervous wreck.

Killua figures it’s only natural because he’s never gotten a job as a hunter. He probably heard that their wing was attacked by an intruder the night before, and that the threat had been dealt with, but nothing on Gon.

“Huh?” Gon asks. Of course he did, the fight was nowhere near dangerous enough to warrant that much worry.

“Yesterday! Are you hurt?” Mika tries to feel for any obvious ridges or scabs on Gon’s hands, and not for the first time since he met Mika, Killua feels like gagging.

_Can’t you see that he’s fine?_

The two act so much like a married couple that it really makes Killua wonder why the hell Mika chose to apply for a hunter license. He was strong enough to pass the test, but it looked like he would have much rather stayed home, gotten pregnant with two point five kids, and spent the rest of his days knitting and shit.

“Oh, of course not. You know me.” Gon replies, cupping Mika’s cheeks in his hands. Killua physically recoils and gets ready to leave the room. This was worse than all of their lunch-time flirting combined.

Then, Mika breathes a sigh of relief, long and raggedy, and he simply whispers, “I know. I just get worried sometimes. But you showed them!”

Gon laughs. “Actually, Killua did most of the work so, if anyone showed them it was him.”

“Oh…” Mika turns to him, and Killua’s half-expecting a glare and half-expecting a scathing ‘well, _whatever_!’ or something along those lines, but Mika’s only expression is one of surprise and… admiration?

“Yup. But Gon did help me out at the end.” He refrains from adding any of the details about how they had fought together and how perfect that little moment was and how _impossible_ it would be for Mika to ever have; that was between the two of them.

Until Gon opens his mouth.

“Actually, Mika!” Gon says, and Killua groans internally. “I forgot how cool it was to fight with someone… To just, be on the same wavelength with someone, and I really wanted to try it with you.”

And that really _hurts_. Killua had thought it was something between the two of them, something that could only belong to _him_ because of his history with Gon. Because they had fought together. Because they had gone to fucking war together. It was one of the only advantages had over Mika and now it was gone.

“Love,” Mika starts, “I’m… I mean, I would love to, but I’m not really that strong. I barely know how to use my nen…” Killua doesn’t miss the way Mika’s whole figure slumps, the way his voice goes really quiet and almost embarrassed. The way he glances at Killua with _envy_ but without the sting of possessiveness.

“Oh, babe.” Gon waves it away, as if overcoming those hurdles is as simple as it is to Gon, to Killua. “You can get used to it! We can train on our off-time and you can hone your nen!”

“Gon, I’m-” _not that talented. Weak. Too reliant._

Something inside Killua snaps. He regrets it almost the moment it comes out of his mouth, the way it comes out of his mouth – he knows it will cut Mika deep, but he doesn’t care. A snarl pulls at the corners of his mouth, intending to humiliate and hurt, and then, “Cut him some slack, Gon. He just got his hunter license and just learned how to use his nen, and you want him to keep up with a single star hunter?”

Just as he expected, Mika’s head snaps at him, eyes almost brimming with tears. He sounds almost hurt, but mostly shocked. Like he had completely forgotten that Killua was there.

“No one asked _you_.”

Gon is about to interrupt – Killua thinks he must be pretty tired of trying to defuse them – but Killua’s faster. If the brat wants to fight, he’ll get a fucking fight.

“You’re having this conversation right in front of me. In _my_ room.”

“It’s not _yours_!”

It feels like a fight two five year olds would have. The unspoken argument over Mika’s claiming of Gon and Killua’s constant challenging. Killua’s a much smaller threat to Mika than Mika is to Killua, and yet, Mika acts like they’re on equal standing. He fights desperately, over anything, and Killua is not above it. Killua hates feeling like this. He’s tired of feeling like he’s in a competition for Gon’s attention and he’s losing, pathetically.

“Fine! In _my_ half of the room, if you will. If you’re so embarrassed about admitting the fact that you’re weak and you rely too much on your boyfriend to get you everywhere, then you should wait for you to be alone with Gon!”

“I’m not embarrassed! There’s nothing embarrassing about that! It just means that _I_ have room for growth. I just don’t want _you_ butting in.”

“Then get out of my fucking _room_!”

Before Mika can reply, Killua throws the closed book on his bed, and gets up to leave. He’s had enough. He knew Mika would apologize for his actions later on, but he didn’t care. He had had enough.

Mika takes a step back to hide behind Gon, and not for the first time in his life, Killua is terrified of looking at Gon’s face. Will he see disappointment? Would Gon take sides if they fought? Has he crossed a boundary he shouldn’t have crossed? Killua keeps his head straight, and shuts the door behind him.

Gon doesn’t say a word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this is so late! College has literally been destroying my free time!! Midterms are over tho so hopefully I'll have a more consistent posting schedule. Drama again!! Also did I forget to mention that this is a slow burn fic?  
> Hope you enjoy it!


	7. Chapter 7

Killua doesn’t go back to the room for the whole day. His shift goes smoothly, and afterwards, he avoids both Gon and Mika at lunch, opting instead to take his food outside and _not_ brood for a while.

Of course, he knows that he’s technically in the wrong.

In this particular situation it’s fault for being overall _rude._ But this whole predicament is Killua’s fault. However, that doesn’t mean that Killua’s willing to accept his own fault, if anything, any sort of mutual understanding he had managed with the fucking brat is _over._ He can go fuck himself.

_Mika’s an overly-emotional, needy, fussy, jealous little prick and that… sounds an awful lot like me._

A high-pitched, voice buzzes from his phone (Alluka’s favorite song), and gives him a short break from his thoughts; Killua has never been more grateful for a distraction, and his finger slides over to answer the call immediately.

“Onii-chan?”

“Alluka!” God, just what he needed. A good talk with his baby sister to clear his head. He won’t bother her with the details of his situation, but talking to Alluka would brighten his day anytime. He makes sure his voice sounds as neutral as possible. Alluka had called him for a reason, and he didn’t want to upset her with his own problems.

But, as always, she could read him like a book.

“Onii-chan, is everything alright?”

“I- Yeah. How are things going with you and Wing-san?”

“Oh, great! He says I’m improving at a ‘fearsome rate’.” Killua lets out a soft laugh at her imitation. “Apparently the last time he saw someone with so much potential was when he trained you guys. Well, that’s what he told Zushi, anyway..”

Killua feels a surge of pride at Alluka’s words. She had been locked up so many years in the Zoldyck Manor, but the moment they started training (at her insistence) she had proved to be as adept as any of them. She hadn’t been trained as an assassin, so there were some things Killua had taught her (Shadow Step and Rhythm Echo were useful tools for anyone, assassin or not) and she had learned at an almost alarming pace. Smart, naturally talented, and willing to learn. She would get far.

“Yeah, he better. You’ve got so much potential, sis. Don’t let Zushi beat ya.”

“Hah! He wishes.” Killua hopes that he has circumvented his sister’s worry, and asks her about her progress on her special nen skill, but she gets the drop on him. “Now stop lying and tell me what’s wrong.”

Alluka _did_ have a one track mind.

“I never could lie to you.” Killua says, because it’s true. She had a particular gift for sensing Killua’s moods from the slightest change in his pitch, his expression, his _anything_ , really.

“You’re a bad liar.”

“Or… you just know me too well.”

“Onii-chan!” She finally says, with a tone that clearly states that he needs to stop derailing _right now_. Killua’s not going to be able to get out of this one.

“Fine, fine. But don’t say I didn’t try to keep my mouth shut when you’re all sad.”

Killua tells her everything, from the very beginning. Besides Kurapika, Alluka is the only person that’s aware of his feelings for Gon, and the fact that he’s an omega. He had been itching to get the events that had transpired ever since he got to Yorknew off his chest, and Alluka listens attentively. She only interrupts to scream, “Gon’s _dating_ another omega _?_ ” after he tells her what happened at the hotel, (and he clarifies that they’re _still_ unbound, mostly for his own sake) but she stays completely silent after that.

She only makes brief little noises, a gasp here and there, as he tells her of their dinner at the pub, about his meeting with Mika in the Myatt, about his job and how they had a room to themselves (at which Alluka makes increasingly suggestive noises), about their battle with the intruder and the brief connection they had shared, and about his argument with Mika.

“Oh my god, Onii-chan!” There’s a tone of disbelief in her voice, and Killua knows he’s about to get scolded.

“ _What?_ ”

“You screwed up so bad!”

He doesn’t say anything to that. Alluka is honest, she’ll often call Killua out on his mistakes but on this particular subject, he refuses to accept his own fault.

“I wouldn’t really call it a screw up, I mean…”

“Not saying that I blame you. I would have, too. He sounds like an annoying little brat.”

“I know, right? He _loves_ rubbing it in my face. It’s not like this isn’t hard enough on me already, right? No, he keeps fucking with my patience and-”

“But, you’re still in the wrong.”

And there it was.

As much as it hurts to admit it, as always, Alluka’s right.

“Yeah… I know.”

“So… What are you gonna _do_ about it?”

“I don’t _know_.”

“Well, you’ll come up with something soon.”

Killua knows what he has to do. The right thing would be to apologize (not for his behavior in the morning – that shit was on Mika – but rather for him being a dick in general), and try to talk things over with Mika. The thing he wants to do is punch the brat repeatedly.

“I don’t wanna apologize.”

“Ugh… Onii-chan,” she begins because she knows that if Killua’s set on something, he won’t do it. He’s as stubborn as a rock, so Alluka tries a different approach. A so-obvious-I-can’t-believe-you-hadn’t-thought-about-it-before approach. ”Have you tried, I don’t know _– asking_ him?”

“Asking what?”

“Asking Gon why he didn’t wait for you.”

“Alluka, _no_.” Killua has a huge crush on Gon, not the crippling desire to embarrass himself in front of him. Besides, at this point, what would that even accomplish?

Alluka insists.

“No, I mean. Seriously, you always do this – You expect people to know how you’re feeling. You never say anything and get mad when people don’t read your mind. Or jump to the wrong conclusion and think that the other person is ‘better off not knowing’ or something.”

The amount of times they’ve had this conversation never fails to surprise Killua. He knows it’s something he really needs to work on, and with Alluka it’s so much easier because she just _gets_ him. They can say so much with just a glance that talking to other people just makes him dizzy.

“And that might not be a problem with me, because I’m your sister, but that doesn’t work with other people. Gon isn’t a mind-reader, Onii-chan.”

“You make very valid points but I don’t think I can do that.” Alluka wears her heart on her sleeve, much like Gon. Killua both admires and hates that, because he doesn’t know how to be that open – that trusting. That free to say whatever he wants.

“Well, just keep it in mind. Gon probably has no idea why you’re so pissed.”

Suddenly, talking about Gon isn’t that interesting anymore.

“You know, talking to you usually makes me feel better but now I just feel guilty. Tell me more about your training.” Killua says. He’d rather hear Alluka’s voice go on about something than keep overthinking, which is, incidentally, another one of his bad habits.

“You can’t just ignore this!”

“Alluka, please.” He goes very quiet, and Alluka knows that that’s her cue to stop bothering him about the subject. “I really don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Yeah, sorry,” her voice immediately softens. “But, please tell me if something else comes up, okay?”

“Of course. Now tell me about your training.”

Alluka leaves none of the details out. They hadn’t been able to talk to their hearts’ content because of Alluka’s busy training schedule, so Killua hadn’t had the opportunity to ask about the weeks after she had moved in. She’s been training in the Heaven’s Arena, and despite being a complete beginner at fighting, she had already reached the hundreds after her first three days. She was struggling there, and she still had no nen skill, but Wing adores her.

Apparently, so does Zushi, if the flowers and the fact that he had asked her out on a date were anything to go by.

“That bastard.”

“Now, now, Onii-chan. Zushi’s very nice.”

“So I take it you said yes, then.”

Alluka only replies with an ‘I’ll tell you how our date tonight goes’, and then she says that she has to start getting ready. She hangs up, and Killua almost laughs at himself when he thinks about how his sister’s month-long romance is going better than his seven-year crush.

 _At the very least she’s happy_ , he thinks.

\---

Throughout his break, Killua’s forced to think of an excuse to not go back to the room. In fact, he’d rather rip off his hands than go back, but he knows it’s Gahre’s turn to patrol this time around, so Gon’s either in the room or with Mika. Or both. Definitely with Mika, but he’d rather not risk it. Instead, he spends most of the day exploring the right wing of the manor and trying to distract himself, but soon enough, night falls, and it’s time to return and face his fate.

He knows that Gon’s in the bedroom before he reaches it. The lights are on, and he can hear two voices coming from inside, which makes him stop dead in his tracks. Immediately, he’s going back in the direction he came from, but then he remembers that it’s almost eight and he would like to get some rest before his night shift.

_Besides, that’s my room. Why should I have to leave?_

He walks back quickly, stands before the door for a few seconds, lets himself relax with a deep breath, and steps in.

Gon and Mika are cuddling in bed, Mika’s back facing Gon’s chest, and they’re talking about something or other, clearly having just taken a bath together. Something twists unpleasant in Killua’s belly, but Gon immediately unpins himself from Mika when he recognizes Killua’s feather-light steps, and he immediately furrows his eyebrows in worry.

Killua pretends not to notice, shoots them a brief glance before he throws himself back on the bed.

_I’m not dealing with this right now._

Much like in the morning, Killua attempts to read his book to distract himself, because he knows that Mika will probably just stay to spite him, but surprisingly,  in an act of goodwill or perhaps, fear, Mika gets up from Gon’s bed, lightning-fast, gives him a quick peck on the lips, and all but runs out of the room.

“Killua-” Gon says, but Killua’s having none of it.

 “I’m not going to apologize.” He’s not. He can’t bear any more humiliation.

“No, I don’t expect you to.” Gon starts, tapping Killua’s knee to ask if he can sit on his bed. Killua curls up his legs in response. “He’ll come around sooner or later. Probably later. It takes a while for Mika to recognize when he’s screwed up but when he does, he’ll apologize properly.”

“Okay, then.” Killua breathes an internal sigh of relief.

Gon’s not angry at him.

Gon’s not angry at him for screaming at Mika, at all. In fact, Gon’s taking _his_ side. Killua throws his head back on the bed’s pillow, physically feeling his stomach uncoil as he relaxes.

_Thank god._

“In fact, _I_ should apologize, too. I know you guys aren’t on the best of terms, and I should have told him from the beginning that he shouldn’t come into the room. I’m sorry.”

Killua doesn’t know what to say. He hadn’t been looking at Gon before, but now he sees it – his shoulders are slumped in apology, eyelids downcast, fists tight on his lap, forward and honest and so _open_ – so incredibly open and unafraid – not just with his actual words but with his body as well.

_You’re too much._

_You’re too much for me sometimes._

Killua has to look away. He feels a surge of affection for Gon, butterflies in his stomach and cheeks aflame in an instant, and he tries to hide his face in his hands. He can hear Gon chuckle at him from across the bed, and Killua thinks that perhaps Gon’s not the only one wearing his heart on his sleeve, even if his blushes are involuntary.

Killua waits for his blush to die down before facing Gon again.

“Gon, you’re dating him. It’s your room, too.”

“Yes, but we’re teammates right now and that should be our priority.”

 _Ah._ Of course, the mission. Killua ignores the need to frown and kick Gon off the bed. _So much for friendship, asshole._

But then, Gon winks, and in the smoothest of motions, he leans into Killua, resting his chin and arms on top of his knees, too close for Killua’s comfort, his skin going hot at the barest of touches, but Killua can’t pull away.

“And also, you’re my friend. My best friend in this whole wide world. And I’m not stupid. Mika and I are a hundred per cent okay. You and I aren’t, and I know that we’re still trying to relearn each other and…” How Gon keeps looking straight into his eyes is beyond Killua. He can barely hold his gaze and he’s not the one talking. “And I really missed you. So you’re my priority right now.”

Killua’s cheeks go warm again, and the need to just _hug_ Gon and _kiss_ him nearly takes him over, the desire to _claim_ and scream ‘mine’ hitting him like a fucking truck.

 _God, I missed you, too,_ he thinks. So much. He doesn’t say anything, opting instead to smile and hope that Gon would understand, until he remembers his conversation with Alluka. He needs to be more forward.

“Yeah… I missed you too.” It rolls off his tongue uncomfortably, and he has to force himself to say it, like he’s stretching out a muscle he hasn’t ever used before.

Gon retracts himself from Killua, eyebrows raised and mouth open in surprise. Gon laughs, a dopey little smile tugging at his lips. “Well, that’s a first.” Then he coughs, and, “and, I made sure to tell him to apologize, so you don’t worry about it. It was his fault.”

Killua nods, unsure of why Gon is taking his side so much.

There’s something about the way Gon talks about Mika – like he has to be overly conscious of his actions and constantly explain his behavior. Always taking care of him –  if it’s not the hunter skills, it’s in the way he coddles him, treating him like a precious jewel. Killua has never seen this side of Gon, and while a very small part of him is jealous ( _not_ because he wants to be treated like that, just the implications), the other, larger parts of him are honestly surprised. “You know, it’s kind of weird.”

“What is?”

“You’re so different around Mika. Softer, no – more perceptive? Sweeter?” He wants to say that Gon acts _fake_ around Mika, not like Killua remembers him at all, as if he’s forcing himself to be someone he’s not – too conscious and too protective and too many things that Killua isn’t used to seeing in Gon, but he thinks that probably won’t go over well. Gon is anything but fake.

 “Oh, that’s...” He begins.

“Hmm?”

“That’s because of how Mika is.” He says, matter-of-factly.

When Killua sees that Gon doesn’t really plan to continue, Killua tries to push for more, hoping that Gon won’t put up another boundary. “Because of how he is…?”

“I don’t know. He inspires that in me. The need to protect, to be gentle, to be sweet. He’s so small and full of energy and I just – he might get hurt, you know? It might have to do with the fact that he’s an omega, but in the end, it is what it is.”

Then, Gon rolls over on to the other side of Killua’s bed, putting his hands behind his head. There’s a shift in the atmosphere of the room, it’s more solemn, personal. Something Gon doesn’t talk about often.

“When we were kids, I wouldn’t ever think twice about any of the stuff I said. I just said whatever came to mind, without considering other people’s feelings.”

“You still do that, though.” Gon had maybe stopped being so completely open with him, but he still wore his heart on his fucking sleeve. Gon had changed, but certainly not in that aspect.

“Well yeah, around _you_.” Gon says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I’m used to being that way around you. I know you can handle it. But not with Mika. He’s…” Gon darts his eyes around the room, as if he were looking for the correct word to use in its corners.  “-delicate. Some people might call him needy because he gets spooked easily and really needs me to censor myself on some stuff.”

 _I guess not all people can be as fearless as Gon_. Certainly not Mika. Certainly not _him_. “Oh, so is it just like the gruesome stuff from your work as a Hunter?” _Why is he even a hunter, then? For Gon?_

“Well, yeah, that too, I guess. But… He’s kind of a self-centered person. He’s gotten better about it but he really needs things to always involve him in some way, to be about him, and I don’t mind. Point is, I’ve gotten used to only saying the stuff that matters.”

 _The stuff that matters?_ To him, everything mattered. Not just Gon’s serious feelings or his darker, borderline dangerous thoughts, the deepest things he keeps hidden even from himself, but the little things that made him laugh, the way he would rather hurt himself than hurt those around him, the way he would sacrifice everything for those he loved, his love for nature, for life. How could anyone not want to be a part of that? How could Mika not want to be a part of that? How could Gon want to stay with someone like that?

“Well, I like you just the way you are.” _Confident, without a care in the world, open, honest, willing to ask questions when I wasn’t, willing to take a step forward for the both of us when I couldn’t_ “and I don’t think you should change yourself for somebody else.”

Gon laughs a bit, but it’s empty.

“Well, he made me realize that I needed to, but I did that for myself. I could... get out of hand with the things I used to say,” he starts, looking at Killua like he’s directing his next sentence at him, guilt-ridden and regretful and sorry. So fucking sorry. “And I hurt people without realizing it. Because I was careless and selfish.”

At that, his heart clenches. _That’s still eating at him? It’s been five years._ Has he been carrying the weight of that guilt for so long? 

“Being honest isn’t being selfish Gon.” _Don’t look at me like that._  “Of course, I’m not saying that trying to change was wrong or anything… ” _It was nobody’s fault._ “Right now? You’re perfectly fine as you are.”

“You mean that?” And there’s so much hope in Gon’s voice that Killua wonders how much this has really been bothering him.

“Yeah.”

“Even after the things I said…?”

_I’m so sorry._

“Gon, we’ve talked about this. That was over five years ago. Fortunately for you, I can’t hold a grudge that long.”

Then, Gon breaks out into laughter, the real, uncontrolled, ab-forming kind (not that Gon needs any help in that department) and the spell of the mood is broken. Killua chuckles along with him a bit before Gon rolls closer to him and pokes him in the stomach a few times, tickling him into full-blown guffawing as well.

Once they’ve caught their breath, the both of them heaving, Gon looks into Killua’s eyes, silent and wonderful and a million things Killua can’t even begin to describe, and in the softest of voices, he thanks Killua. “Thank you. Honestly.”

Then, Killua’s night shift is almost upon them, and Gon goes back to his bed. Something is different, and Killua doesn’t know what it is, but it’s not a bad kind of different, and Killua’s never been happier. Killua waits on his bed for the remaining part of his break, mostly reading but listening to Gon walk around the room as he prepares to sleep, and wishes him a good night when he turns the lights off and gets ready for work.

Before he leaves, Gon stops him at the last second.

“You know what, you’ve changed a bit, too.”

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The boys are finally getting somewhere (for now lmao). Please enjoy <333


	8. Chapter 8

Mika makes himself scarce for the next week. Killua doesn’t mind, of course. The less he sees of the brat, the better, but it also means that Gon is disappearing a lot more often, too. Mika has enough shame to not look him in the eye whenever they’re forced to exist in the same space, and Gon’s little glances and pokes that tell Mika to apologize every time he sees Killua seem to finally be working.

Mika catches him in the middle of one his shifts in the courtyard, all puffed up with his eyebrows locked together, cheeks red from embarrassment or anger, Killua can’t tell, and Gon is nowhere near him. Killua releases his En. At the very least he would be distracted from the god-awful patrolling.

“Hey!” Mika starts, and his voice breaks at the end in a tone Killua hadn’t thought to be possible, setting his cheeks aflame again in an instant.

“Hey.” Killua starts off cold. While he had long since forgiven Mika (or rather, forgotten about his stupid transgressions – he had better things to do), the brat had put him through enough misery in the past month, and he wasn’t above petty revenge.

“Uh… I’m… _Sorry_ …”

“Go on.” The both of them know that at this point, Killua’s just doing it to humiliate him, but he’s not going to budge until Mika admits, in detail, what he did wrong.

“I was rude and I shouldn’t have talked to you like that.”

“True,” Killua starts, and Mika’s crestfallen face gives him a small rush of satisfaction, but he’s done being a dick. For now, anyway. “It’s fine. I know I haven’t been easy, either. So…” He shrugs. “Yeah, we’re good.”

“Oh, okay.” Mika says, honestly surprised that Killua had taken that so well. Killua would have liked to put up more of a fight, too, but after what Alluka said… This was his own, very cryptic way of apologizing for his own actions, because he sure as hell wasn’t going to say it out loud.  Then, Mika takes a deep breath, and Killua automatically knows that it’s going to piss him off. Mika knows he’s going to say something stupid, and he’s gathering courage for it. ”I wanted to ask something of you as well.”

Killua barely manages to contain the ‘ _ugh_ ’ trying to spill out of his lips. He won’t deny it, he loves to hate Mika, and therefore, he’s all ears. “Shoot.”

“I know I just apologized for the crap I pulled, but I really can’t stand the way you’re hitting on Gon anymore.”

 _Oh. No. Fuck, no._ He’s been doing anything _but_ hitting on Gon. Restraining himself and his impulses and recognizing that there is a line he must be respect, all for the sake of not intruding on their relationship, and now the fucking brat wants him to what- Just completely stop talking to him? Because he’s so delusional he confuses their friendship for _flirting?_

“Excuse me?”

“I know you like him!” Mika starts, loud and too-high pitched, and Killua almost tells him to shut the fuck up on the spot because he doesn’t need the whole manor finding out about their argument.

“And I also know that you two are best friends, and that you went through some tough times together, and that I won’t ever understand, because I wasn’t there.” _Damn right, you don’t, you fucking moron._ “I know that. But I met Gon after you two parted ways and I’m used to it being just _us_. Just the two of us. I don’t know what happened with you two but please, just, leave him alone. Leave us alone.”

Whatever had been holding Killua back broke in that instant. Killua knew his place. Hell, he was made aware of it all the fucking time. Whenever he looked at them, whenever Gon even talked to him, there was this impenetrable barrier with Mika’s fucking name written all over it – but Killua was content just having his friend back. He missed Gon, and he wasn’t going to let his moronic, jealous, self-obsessed boyfriend take that away from him.

“Mika,” he says, and his voice is ice-cold. Mika takes a step back, probably in fear, but Killua’s had enough. If Mika needed to be burned for him to understand, so be it. “I’m not flirting with your fucking boyfriend. That’s the way we _are_. That’s the way we always _have_ been.” He takes a deep breath so he doesn’t say anything superfluous, anything out of line that will just come back to bite him in the ass later.  “And I’m not going to sit down and say, ‘oh yeah, of course, lemme stop talking to my best friend of _seven years_ just because a complete _stranger_ has unresolved jealousy issues’. This is ridiculous, offensive to Gon, and quite frankly, not the kind of shit I should have to deal with while I’m working. Your omega is showing, and you need to fuck _off_.”

Mika’s eyes widen in shock, and for some ungodly reason, his eyes begin to brim over with tears. Killua briefly wonders what possessed Gon to date him – had Mika honestly expected Killua to just take a step back, smile and say ‘yes, of course’?

“I – I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing if you’re not going to do anything about it!” Killua’s been hearing the brat apologize every time he says anything out of line, and Killua had let it slide because they were never major transgressions, but after the tenth apology, he isn’t that willing to let it go again.

Mika’s about to say something else, perhaps another apology, but it’s left unsaid, as soon enough  Gon’s voice echoes across the courtyard, and Mika immediately wipes his tears.

“You guys wanna get any louder? I think they didn’t quite hear you on the moon.” 

When Gon reaches them, he has an air of mirth around him, like he’s trying to alleviate the situation, but Killua can tell from his tense shoulders that he’s worried. Killua immediately schools his expressions; he’s angry at Mika, but he’s not about to tell on him. He can deal with this himself. Mika tries to do the same, but only manages to get his tears under control. Then, the both of them, at the exact same time, “Oh, Gon. I didn’t hear you.”

There’s a brief silence, where none of them seem to know what to do. Killua refuses to say anything, Mika seems to be torn between admitting what he did and keeping some of his dignity, and Gon doesn’t know if he should push or let them be. In the end, Gon takes the initiative, and he pushes.

“Mika, what did you do?”

Then, Mika’s off like a firecracker, flushed and offended, and Killua once again breathes a sigh of relief for the way Gon takes his side.

“Why is it automatically my fault?!” Mika asks. Killua wonders, too, but he’s not complaining.

“Because I know Killua, and I know you.”

Then, Mika’s mouth goes slack, and Killua thinks, _oooh, boy. That… was not the right thing to say._ As expected, Mika reacts violently. Shutting down and eyes darting between the both of them, until he can’t handle the sight of them together anymore. Just like that, he runs off back into the manor. Gon follows suit, and Killua’s left alone, high and dry and wondering what the fuck just happened.

Gon, much faster and more agile than Mika, catches up to him immediately, and Killua can see them have a heated discussion from where he stands. Then, as quickly as they had fought, Gon’s pecks him on the lips and pushes him to the mansion, and sprints towards Killua.

“Gon, is this okay?” Shouldn’t he talk things over with Mika? _Clearly_ , he needed a bit of comfort.

“I heard the last thing you told him. He stepped out of line.” _Oh. So that’s how he knew. Damn Gon and his ridiculous hearing._

“But…”

“He was rude to you. I promised I would talk to him later, but I just wanted to make sure you’re fine.” Well, that’s… just a little bit odd, Killua thinks, but well, if Gon says it’s fine, there’s nothing Killua can really say.

“Yeah? Perfectly fine.”

“You sure?” Gon asks, with an emphasis on the sure, as if to check that Killua isn’t hiding anything from him. It throws Killua off guard. He’s so used to Gon taking his word for it that he has no idea how to reply.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He says, eventually, because he doesn’t really want to make a big deal out of something that was over. Ever since he talked to Alluka, though, he’s been overly-conscious of the way he vocalizes, or rather, _doesn’t_ vocalize his feelings, always giving the barest of explanations. _You have to be more forward! “_ Just… irritated.”

There’s a brief silence, and then Gon has the nastiest, most satisfied, shit-eating grin on his face not a split second later, and he pulls Killua in close by the wrists, and says: “Wanna let off some steam?”

“Huh?”  Killua asks, his confrontation with Mika completely forgotten, because to him, it looks like Gon has been itching to ask about whatever it is he’s asking for, and he had just been waiting for an excuse to bring it up. And Killua knows he’s going to love it.

“Fight me.”

Killua returns the grin immediately.

\---

They establish only one rule: no nen skills. While the both of them know that they’re strong enough to keep up with each other, unfortunately, the Gelano Manor is not as resilient as them, so for the sake of keeping their jobs and not killing anyone by accident, they forego their skills.

A shame really, Killua had very much wanted to show off his new and improved Narukami, and he was just as excited to see Gon’s. Alas, the manor took precedence over their childish desires.

Before they start, Gon tells him to wait for a second, and Killua’s about to taunt him, but then- but then Gon _takes his shirt off._ Killua knows that he probably shouldn’t stare, considering the conversation he literally just had with Mika, and how he’s supposedly not flirting with his boyfriend, but Gon’s abs are practically _screaming_ at him for attention. Killua very much stares.

“Like what you see?” Gon just _had_ to find a way to turn that on him, huh? That effectively snaps Killua out of his ab-induced stupor.

“Just fucking fight me, Gon.” And after a quick smirk, he does.

Killua realizes in the middle of their sparring that they haven’t ever fought against each other. Their training with Bisky didn’t really count, because they were just learning how to use their Ko then, and the adrenaline rush he gets from barely dodging a kick Gon throws to his right side is exhilarating.

Killua’s faster than Gon by just a little bit, and to balance him out, Gon is stronger than him by just a little bit. They exchange blows, using their nen to protect themselves (the only use of nen they had allowed) and make it a contest of who was the real master now. Having Bisky decide for them was far easier, but now, with the way they had both evolved, they’d let their fists decide.

Gon attacks first. He walks up to Killua, all confidence and nonchalance, keeping his fists still and to his side to tempt Killua into attacking him. _As if I would ever do that, you dick._ Then, Gon’s gone, his presence disappearing and reappearing immediately above Killua. Killua rolls forward, intending to punch Gon as he lands, but Gon’s already extending his leg to get him square in the chest as he falls, forcing Killua to take another step back.

Killua’s recovery comes faster, and before Gon can land on his feet, Killua’s already jumping on top of him, arms taut and plastered together in front of him, elbows at the ready to land on Gon’s exposed back. Gon turns around before he can, and he already has a punch ready, an uppercut waiting to hit Killua right in the chin. Killua then shifts his weight so that instead of jumping in a vertical position, he’s horizontal, ready to punt Gon in the face while also avoiding a painful punch. However, Gon is on par with Killua, and just before the kick connects, he grabs Killua’s right foot with one hand first, and with the second, he spins Killua around and throws him at one of the nearby trees.

Gon rushes behind Killua and catches his back with his fast, hard and powerful and the only reason Killua doesn’t lose right then and there is because he focuses all of his Ko in his lower back on time. He’s pushed back a few yards (and at least they manage to not destroy the trees, which would have been a whole other problem with Gahre), and Gon tries to rush him again, to take advantage of Killua being thrown off-kilter, but Killua expects this. When Gon is upon him, ready to strike at his shoulder with his left foot, Killua dodges at the last second, pretending to give Gon the upper hand and sliding behind him when Gon raises his leg.

He swipes at Gon’s foot, and Gon tumbles to the ground, Killua on top of him the next second. Then, he leans over, both hands on Gon’s throat, and smiles. “Looks like you’re all talk, huh?”

At that, Gon grabs both of Killua’s wrists, pushes them forward to knock Killua off balance, and rolls him around, effectively reversing their positions. “You were saying?”

They struggle a bit, wrestling and switching their positions every so often, but in raw strength, Gon has him beat. _Fucking enhancers. This is why I hate fighting them._ After they roll around a bit more in the grass, Killua’s struggle proving to be more and more useless, Gon has him pinned to the ground, both hands on his wrists just to keep Killua from striking back (Killua would be very upset if Gon would only need one hand to manage him), and both legs pressing inwards against Killua’s to immobilize him.

When Killua starts squirming uncontrollably, shirt riding up all the way to his chest because fuck him if he’s going to lose that quickly, Gon presses down on his wrists, _hard_ , and as if Killua’s no stronger than a baby, he releases Killua from his right hand, using it to push Killua’s chest down and completely stop his squirming.

Gon has effectively won the match.

“Height advantages.” Killua says, refusing to accept that he has lost so easily. _I’m probably off my game._ “Let’s go again.”

But Gon’s having none of it.

“Sore loser.” He replies, but it’s in good humor.  Killua looks up to say something – anything just to keep the fight going – but something is different. Odd. Gon’s eyes are dark, much darker than usual, and Killua finds himself gulping as a heavy silence fills the space between them.  Gon still has his left hand on Killua’s wrists, and just as Killua starts squirming again, harder this time, because suddenly things are heavy and his cheeks are getting warm and he needs to get out of there _right now_ , Gon drags his hand downwards.

It’s too slow to not be deliberate, too feather-light to be an attempt at restraining Killua, too fast for Killua to be able to do anything but gasp as Gon’s fingers trail towards his exposed stomach, lightly massaging the sensitive skin and leaving a trail of goosebumps on their path to his ribs. Killua’s hyper-aware of every single one of Gon’s fingers, his hands large and able to cover most of his chest with them, thumb on the dip of his abs and his other four pushing at the protrusion of Killua’s ribcage.

Neither of them say anything, and only the sound of Killua’s increasingly ragged breath can be heard between them. His heart is pounding in his ears, Gon’s weight pressing against his hips forces Killua to realize how _compromising_ the position they’re in is, and his eyes go wide, a panicked “Gon –” leaving his mouth just before Gon reacts in the same way. His cheeks are just barely flushed as he rushes to jumpoff Killua, and the previous jolting in Killua’s lower belly turns unpleasant.

“Gon, I -” Killua’s not sure what he should say. Should he apologize? No. Gon did that. He knew what he was doing, he _knew._ So what the _hell_ was that?

Before Killua’s thoughts threaten to take him over, Gon, as easily as he always does, derails the both of them completely and acts like nothing happened. “I won!”

“ _What?_ ” Really? He’s going to _ignore_ it? Pretend that they just hadn’t been two minutes away from making out in the middle of the fucking courtyard?

Gon doesn’t look at him, doesn’t make any indication of acknowledging whatever just happened, choosing instead to look at his hands. Killua opens his mouth to tell Gon off, but just as his hands are on Gon’s shoulders, ready to twist him around and _force_ him to look him in the eye, Gon is already trying to change the fucking subject.

“Aren’t you on your shift?” Gon asks, failing still to face Killua. _Smooth, Gon. Real fucking smooth._ Killua thinks that maybe they should talk about it instead of … whatever the fuck Gon is trying to do, but he then decides against it. He’s tired of having to be the one to get the ball rolling on important things. It was always like this. _Have it your way, then._ Killua’s _done._

“Yup. In fact, I’m leaving. _Right now_.” Killua doesn’t even wait for Gon to say goodbye or see you later or what the fuck ever. Once he’s back inside the manor, Killua has to find a place to sit down and _stop thinking about Gon’s hands,_ and he resolves once again that he’s not going anywhere near the room until night.

 _I can’t believe it,_ he thinks, although he’s not that sure what he can’t believe. That that had just happened? That the possibility of Gon wanting him suddenly became real and heavy? That Gon had been willing to completely ignore the fact that he had acted upon his impulses because he had a fucking _boyfriend?_

_I swear to god, if I see either of them, I’ll tear them a new one._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually on time this time!!! And things are finally starting t get heavy with the boys! Hope you guys enjoys this chapter!


	9. Chapter 9

Neither Gon nor Mika are unfortunate enough to cross paths with Killua, and after his shift is over, most of his anger has been walked off. He waits until it’s _exactly_ eleven before he goes anywhere near the room, knowing that Gon will probably try to keep playing stupid, and he takes an extra precautionary fifteen minutes of snail-paced walking to make sure that their room is empty.

Fortunately, Gon has the night shift, and by the time Killua’s back, Gon is nowhere in sight. Killua takes a long and appreciated bath in their tub, intending to clear his mind of what had transpired in the afternoon, but his brain is having none of it. The memory of Gon’s fingers is almost etched onto Killua’s skin, and the way Gon’s pupils had contracted and then dilated, dark and hungry and full of desire, keeps playing in Killua’s mind like a broken record. The hot steam isn’t helping him any, so Killua decides that he’s going to crash early – he’s going to have to wake up at ungodly hours for his morning patrol, anyway – and hope things would be better when he wakes up.

_Sounds like a plan._

Killua makes sure to fluff his pillows up more than usual and solve a couple of Sudoku puzzles before going to sleep to distract himself. Once he closes his eyes, he’s so tired from his anger and frazzled nerves that it doesn’t take him long before he’s out like a light.

\---

_Electricity shoots down Killua’s spine as tan hands roam over his body, pulling at his clothes, at his skin, at the very core of his being. Alluka’s in the room next to theirs, sound asleep and unaware. Unaware of the looks they had been giving each other the whole day: wanton, needy, desperate, hoping that their last day will be a little longer, that the sun won’t set as quickly this time around._

_His clothes are off before he knows, and then they’re all hands, and tongue and mouth, being unable to tell one from the other, just that his skin is hot and cold at the same time, and that there’s something deep pulling at him from his lower belly, coiling, and coiling and coiling._

_They’re reckless and careless, and neither of them really knows what they’re doing, clumsy with their hands, pinching too hard or too soft, but it doesn’t matter to him. The only thing that matters is how tan hips are steadying him as his legs are spread apart, inch by inch, fingers filling him as he drawls out his orders in between low groans and quivering lips._

_He’s slow, too slow. Worried about hurting Killua, about stretching him too far, but Killua doesn’t care. He doesn’t care. He needs him now, not his fingers, but him, and he says as much before surging up to kiss him, tongue learning his taste for the first and last time._

_Hands on his ribs, thumb on the line between his pecs and the rest of his fingers massaging his protruding ribs, and finally, he’s inside, pushing at Killua’s walls and hitting just the right spots with every twist of his hips, every pull of his hands.  Incoherent words leave Killua’s mouth as he feels his stomach clench taut. He’s close, so close, and warm and he’s lost control of his voice, having long forgotten to keep himself in check for the sake of not waking his little sister, but he can’t, he can’t, he can’t –_

_And then, his voice goes low too, but now with pleasure, not with satisfaction – in an act of desperation, he cries into Killua’s shoulder as he begs him to not leave, to stay with him, to forgive him._

_I have to leave._

_“Is it because of what I did? I’ll apologize as many times as you need me to!”_

_It’s not because of that._

_“Then – “_

_We both have to go. I have things to do. You have things to do._

_“But-”_

_You want to spend more time with me? To stay with me? To be with me? You love me?_

_“Yes!”_

_I’m scared._

_“Please!”_

_I’m so sorry._

_“Don’t go!”_

_\---_

It’s not even three in the morning when Killua’s eyes shoot open, fists clenched so tight he can barely feel his hands, sweat gathering on his forehead, breath hard and ragged and something painful clutching at his throat.

Killua turns around and feels for his bottle of water, desperate to quench his dry mouth and to clear his head, thoughts reeling, and the bottle slips out his hands, falling flat on his face and spilling clear water all over his head, chest and pillows.

“Fuck!” He gets up, throwing the bottle on the ground in frustration, teeth chattering and his whole body almost heaving because _what the fuck was that? What in the ever-loving fuck was that?_

Of course he knows what it was. A memory playing itself out in the form of a dream, one he had kept locked away, ignoring the way it would nag at him every once in a while, riddling him with guilt.

It’s a long time before Killua can go back to sleep. The clock strikes three, four, five, and six, and no amount of washing his face, reading, or solving puzzles will get him to calm down. The images keep flying into his head, and he’s helpless to stop them, reliving the memory dozens of times before he finally decides to take another shower.

Killua willfully calls upon the images now, dipping his hand below his abdomen and pumping, slowly at first, as he closes his eyes and lets himself be taken over by the sensations.

It doesn’t take him long to finish, and he pointedly refuses to look at the trail of his own semen pooling near the shower’s drain, stepping out once his eyes start dropping.

He finds a little bit of comfort knowing that he’ll manage to fall asleep before the wave of self-hatred hits him.

He laughs – he was good at lying to others, but not to himself.

\---

Gon’s fast asleep by the time Killua wakes up. He’s tired as fuck himself, and he’d much rather go back to bed than go on eight fucking hours of pointless patrolling, but he gets up and washes his face, noticing that there are no dark bags under his eyes. Being a Zoldyck paid off sometimes, and this is one of those times. The last thing he needs is people asking him if he had gotten enough sleep, or Gahre scolding him for not taking his job seriously and allowing something as stupid as ‘I didn’t sleep enough’ worsen his performance.

He leaves at eight o’clock on the dot, and his day goes as expected. His mood goes from bad to fucking disastrous as the day drags on, but he’s thankful that he doesn’t encounter Mika _or_ Gon during the entirety of his shift. Once he’s had his lunch and he’s ready to pass out for a few hours to make up for the sleep he had lost in the morning (he has the graveyard shift later on, as well, so he might as well get some rest), he goes back to the room, knowing full well that Gon won’t be there.

He wonders how he’ll look at Mika after their little fight. Not that he fucking cares.

Eight hours later, Killua barely wakes up in time for his second shift, Gon’s still nowhere to be found, Killua’s mood has improved significantly once he’s gotten his rest (he was trained to go sleepless for three days, but that didn’t mean he had to like it), and he’s, perhaps not raring to go and patrol, but much more complacent about doing so once an idea pops into his head.

When Killua leaves for the second time that day, he takes his book, and instead of patrolling, he locks himself up in the library, activating his En and only surveilling the area that it covers.

Killua finishes his book just before a half hour before his shift is over.

\---

Gon ignores Killua for the better part of a week. Killua, in turn, does the same, because he knows for a fact that he did nothing wrong. He’s not the one in a relationship. He’s not the one that fucked up majorly. In fact, if it weren’t for Gon’s attitude, Killua would have been perfectly fine.

But he was angry.

He was angry at himself, first and foremost, for not having the guts to just go up and talk to Gon about whatever the fuck had happened that day, instead of letting it fester and eat at the both of them, all the while Gon pretended that everything was fine. He was also angry about wanting to talk to Gon instead of waiting for him to do it. It was Gon’s responsibility to fix this mess, and while the words were five years old, he intended to keep them: he was done cleaning up Gon’s fucking messes.

The worst part was that he had somewhat managed to recover from his dream after a day and a half of walking his anger off, but seeing Mika and Gon, or rather, just Gon, acting as usual around Mika set him off again, and no amount of power-walking would calm him down. At the very least he had brought around fifteen novels to distract him.

And of course, it takes Gon ages before he directs a single word at Killua. Exactly five days passed before Gon even graces him with conversation, doing his damnedest to _ignore_ and _run away from_ Killua to the best of his abilities in the most unnatural way possible for the first four. It’s like they were back to square fucking one, but Killua’s putting up the barriers this time around. Killua doesn’t want to talk to Gon – he likes how Gon would confront his problems face-to-face, reckless and a little bit too head strong, and seeing him like this – _cowering_ at the mere prospect of having to _talk to_ Killua left a bad taste in his mouth.

After the fifth day of silent treatment, Gon seems to finally find his older self, and he tries striking up a conversation at every turn. He tries so hard, bringing up mundane subjects that Killua has no real interest in, not with his current frame of mind, anyway, and soon Gon’s attempts at chatting die out completely, leaving the both of them to skirt around each other and avoid spending time alone at all costs for another week.

But then, after another long conversation with Alluka, in which she tells him off _again,_ something starts eating at Killua. His sister kept popping up in his head every time he wants to find another reason to get angry at Gon, telling him over and over all of the things he didn’t want to hear: _you expect people to know how you’re feeling. You never say anything and get mad when people don’t read your mind._

And he thinks that Maybe Gon really _doesn’t_ know what was wrong. It’s borderline absurd to Killua, but then he remembers that one of the things that had attracted him to Gon in the first place was his weird sense of right and wrong. It was interesting – Gon hadn’t judged him for his previous job, but every coin had two sides, and the bad side was rearing its ugly little head.

Just like Gon had said, the two of them were still relearning each other. Perhaps his tactic of ‘get angry and sulk a bit until Gon apologizes’ might not work anymore. It worked spectacularly when they were children, but… (And this was the source of all of their problems) they weren’t children anymore.

He doesn’t like the idea of Gon not realizing he fucked up, but he also knows that not talking won’t make anything change, and resolves to grace Gon with a response if he decides to strike up another conversation with Killua. Although, after eleven days of shutting him off, he’s not sure Gon will even try.

But it’s sure as hell not going to be Killua to give in first.

\---

Gon proves that eleven days of being shut down is not actually enough to deter his attempts at making up with Killua. Just like the nights before, Gon uses their free time to try to break the ice.

“So…” Gon starts, and Killua turns the page on one of his novels, waiting to see what he’ll come up with this time. “How’s Alluka?”

Of course, Gon doesn’t expect a reply, so he’s positively surprised when Killua shuts his book. Killua’s been waiting for this all day, of course, hating the tension between them, but he can’t let Gon know that. Killua’s not going to stop putting his foot down when it needs to be put down, but he’s not fond of fighting, either.

“She’s fine. Apparently Zushi asked her out on a date the other day.” A smile, wide and too-fucking-bright tugs at Gon’s lips, and he even jumps a little on his bed, which Killua does _not_ find adorable. His smile passes as soon as it comes however, once Killua shoots him a glance that tells him ‘you’re still treading on thin ice’, but at this point it’s mostly him just pulling the last bits of his tantrum. Killua’s as relieved as Gon.

“Oh, well can’t say I’m entirely surprised.”  Gon says.

“I was surprised when I found out, but in hindsight, I guess it only made sense.”

“Yeah, you can’t have a couple of teenaged brats under the same roof without it turning into a mess. Especially not for kids as lively as those.” He replies after coughing, knowing that going near ‘brats under the same roof’ probably wasn’t the safest of subjects right now.

“Yeah… I guess that’s true.” At that, the conversation dies out a bit, and Killua thinks that Gon’s probably all awkward-ed out to keep going, but Gon never fails to not disappoint.

“Well, if something long-lasting comes out of it, Zushi will treat her right.” Gon pipes up again. _That’s true_ , Killua thinks. Zushi might be a little dim-witted and slow on the uptake, but he’s a good boy. He’s probably the only person he would trust to treat Alluka right, and now that they’re both training their nen… Killua snorts – nothing like spicing up a relationship with a little bit of _competition_. He looks at Gon.

_Ugh. No point going down that road, now._

“Of course he will, otherwise he risks getting my foot up his ass. He knows the fear of fighting me first-hand. He won’t fuck up if he knows what’s good for him.” And Killua means every word. He knows Alluka can take care of herself, hell, she’s an alpha. But she’s his baby sister first, and he will tear the world apart for her.

“Ooh... Scary!” Gon says, a small, fond smile on his lips.

It’s a wonderful little thing, Killua realizes. The way they ease into their conversation again, despite having not talked in almost two weeks, the tension is gone – Killua’s still a little bit aggravated but he’s mostly just relieved that they can still talk normally after everything that had happened – like it was never there to begin with.

“Oh, shut up. If it weren’t for me you would have died like five hundred times.”

Gon shrugs. “I’m not gonna deny that.” Then, Gon gauges Killua’s mood, looking for the tension in his body and calculating the amount of foot he’s going to get in his ass if he tries to approach Killua without warning (and Killua would tell him ‘none’ if it weren’t for the fact that Gon’s close observation is making him more than just a bit nervous), before getting up and tapping his knee much like their conversation only a few weeks ago. Killua responds by curling his legs up against his chest once more.

Gon tries to hide it, but Killua can see Gon’s shoulders relax in the barest of slumps. Instead of leaning into Killua like last time – thank god – Gon opts for splaying himself out sideways on Killua’s bed.

They stay silent for a few moments, before Gon completely changes the subject.

“I know I haven’t asked but…” Gon turns his head to really look at Killua, like he’s waiting to unravel his deepest secrets with just a glance. Killua turns away. “What’s been going on with you?”

“Huh?” Well _, that_ was unexpectedly normal. And so unlike Gon. Killua’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. Gon’s asking in a tone that implies specificity, but about what, Killua’s lost.

“I mean, we’ve talked a lot about your trips with Alluka and your missions, but not enough about _you_.” And that does nothing to clarify what Gon’s asking. Travelling with Alluka and his missions had essentially been his whole life up to this point, and he suspected that Alluka would want be completely independent of him soon enough, so that left him his missions.

Maybe his appearance?

 “Oh… Well? I mean. I grew four inches?”

“No! Killua! I mean –“

And then, it hits Killua. Had Gon caught onto the fact that he was an omega? Was he asking about him presenting? Had he been late on taking his OPI or had Mika -

“Are you dating anyone?” Gon says, after taking a deep breath. There’s an almost invisible tuft of pink lighting his cheeks as he asks, and for once, Gon looks away first.

_Really?_

Killua sighs, feeling the relief dissipate and turn into hot-cold anger flaring at the base of his neck. _Gon is nothing if not straightforward._

“Does it look like I am?” _Why are you asking this right now?_

“Well, I don’t _know_.” Gon says, and the spiteful part of Killua thinks that maybe it’s because that’s exactly what he Gon had done. He would know first-hand. _Because you think I would hide my relationships from you, the same way you did?_

“I would have told you.” Killua says, ice-cold and unforgiving. “Immediately.” Not that he dated anyone longer than the duration of his damn heats, considering that he had been stupid and had wanted to ‘save himself’ for Gon. Still, he wants that to sting Gon a little bit, to make him understand how much being lied to had fucking _hurt._

“Right.” Gon replies, and what else can he say to that? Unfortunately for Killua, apparently, more. “So, did you?”

“Did I what?” Killua asks, irritated and harsher than he means to sound, because Gon is being a bit too invasive, given that he hasn’t apologized to Killua for keeping Mika from him.

“Did you date anyone?” Gon replies, no shame in his voice whatsoever. This only aggravates Killua further.

_Why do you sound so entitled?_

“Does this matter, Gon?” Because, really. It shouldn’t. He hasn’t dated anyone long enough to call it anything but a short fling, and Gon’s curiosity strikes him as flirty rather than friendly, which is very inappropriate, seeing that Gon’s currently _taken_ , and treading on dangerous, as Killua’s more than half-inclined to put his fist in Gon’s face.

“I just want to know.” _Uh huh. And I was born yesterday._ It would have fooled him before their fight, but now, it’s very clear that Gon _wanted_ him. Killua had tried to spin it as something else thousands of times, thinking of any reason to deny Gon’s attraction to him, but there was no confusing the look Gon gave him. It was one of open, unparalleled, raw sex in his eyes. He’d seen it a million times before, and Gon’s still shit at hiding his expressions, one of his biggest charms – and now a weakness, because Killua _knows._

And yet, he can’t keep himself from talking. He’s all fucked up because he wants to make Gon jealous, as jealous as he had made him, and now he knows that he has that power. “Fine. Yeah. I messed around with a few people.”

At that, Gon’s face shifts considerably, one of mild annoyance, which only serves the purpose of worsening Killua’s mood, and Gon’s classic pout is in, full-force.

“I thought you said you would have told me?” He asks, trying to level his voice, but Killua can almost taste the jealousy in his tone, the possessiveness.

“Yeah?”

“So…?”

_How is this your business?_

Any satisfaction Killua had felt from Gon’s jealousy immediately disappears. He had wanted to push him, maybe prove to himself that Gon _did_ have feelings for him, that he could somehow beat Mika, that his own feelings weren’t completely baseless. But now, all he feels is indignation. He’s questioning Killua about his sex life, about his dating, stuff Killua couldn’t question _him_ about because of Mika. Because it was inappropriate, because it wasn’t his place to wonder why Gon hadn’t waited for him.

And then, Alluka’s voice is back in his head, like fucking clockwork. _Have you tried, I don’t know – asking him? Asking him why he didn’t wait for you?_ He tries to ignore her. _Not now, please, not now._ But it’s done, and her voice keeps resonating inside his head, pushing, and pushing until the only thing distracting him from his thoughts and the _aching need_ to Ask Gon is their conversation.

Killua takes a deep breath. “Gon, most of them were _flings._ I’m sorry if I don’t keep you up to date on every single detail of my sex life.”

Gon cringes at ‘sex life’. “Most of them?” _Enough._

“Yes! Gon, the others lasted like a month! At most!” _And I mostly dated them because my heats were coming up, but that’s not any of your fucking business! Not anymore._ “Not two fucking _years_!”

And there it is. Killua feels a surge of release. He’s been holding onto that for the whole time that they’ve been on this damn mission together, and while Killua objectively knows (now) why Gon had kept Mika from him, he wants to hear it from his mouth.

 _Why didn’t you wait for me?_ The question almost rolls off his tongue in the silence, and Gon’s lack of a response pushes it further to the front of his mind.

 _Why didn’t you wait for me?_ Gon fidgets on the bed, and the distance between them, which had felt like mere inches to Killua not ten seconds ago, suddenly feels too-wide, too-empty. Killua doesn’t really think about what he says next. It comes out from the heat twisting in his chest, from the anger, from the echoes of Alluka’s voice screaming in his head, from his own self-doubt.

“If you’re so damn jealous, Gon-” He starts, at which Gon immediately jumps up to stop him.

“I’m not -”

“Gon.” And his voice cracks a little bit, his eyes sting and Gon reels back, like the mere sight of Killua’s face scorches him. “Why didn’t you wait for me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY GETTING THERE FOLKS (by there I mean the most important scene of this fic IMO)


	10. Chapter 10

Something threatens to spill over, words, or perhaps his own feelings, or maybe his tears, but Killua can feel a dam breaking. Can feel something being torn down in himself or in the small bridge he and Gon had managed to rebuild, he doesn’t know. All he knows is that it _burns._

“Ah…” Gon says, doubtful and almost _bored_ , as if Killua hadn’t just bared his heart to him, as if Killua’s a responsibility Gon would rather deal with later.

 _“What?”_ Killua snarls, embarrassed and humiliated, wanting nothing but to forget about Gon and cut himself off from his own feelings, but he can’t.

“This is why I was afraid of talking to you.” He still sounds bored, bothered, a tone screaming ‘well, that was nice while it lasted.’

“Excuse me?” _What the fuck is that supposed to mean?_

“I knew this would happen.” Of course. Of course Gon would have known this would have happened. Because apparently Killua was too high-maintenance and Gon would rather spend eleven days pretending that Killua didn’t have fucking feelings and that _nothing was wrong_ , all because it would have been an inconvenience.

“So you just decided to avoid me instead? Because you were literally too chicken to talk to me about it?”

_Fuck you._

Killua has to wonder why he even likes Gon sometimes. Selfish, reckless, without a care in the world, never aware of the people around him, never stopping to think things through for a single second. He’s staring at him with a blank expression on his face, and Killua’s the only that’s getting riled up – because Gon couldn’t care _less._

But then Gon, gets up from his position on the bed, all tension in his shoulders, eyebrows lowered in anger, teeth bared at Killua, hands clenched so tight his knuckles are white, and his voice deep, so fucking deep that it startles Killua into jumping back, tears threatening to fall over again.

“Fucking believe it or not,” Gon starts, and Killua swears this is the first time he’s heard him cuss. His voice being low and loud, _hurt_.  “I have feelings, too! And I have things that I don’t like talking about!”

 _Feelings?_ Who had ever denied Gon of his feelings? How _dare_ he, come up to him and act like Killua had never acknowledged him, had never demonstrated an ounce of sympathy for him, had never felt _with_ him, _together?_

“Now, _I’m_ the one that acts like _you_ don’t have feelings?” Killua remembers all the times he had to stay in control, to keep things bottled up, to leave his mouth shut, because _Gon_ was a fucking mess. Because they were friends! Because that’s what friends did, but now- “I spent the better part of our friendship doing my damnedest to respect your feelings – unlike _somebody else!_ ”

Then Gon laughs, hollow and full of something Killua thinks is disbelief, so long and shattered and Killua knows that something’s wrong. Something’s wrong and Killua doesn’t know what it is – this isn’t something new, this has been eating at Gon ever since they were children.

“Really?” It comes out more as a roar than a question. Hoarse, rough, angry in a way Killua had never seen Gon direct towards him. “Assuming what my feelings on things were and acting on those assumptions instead of asking me what the fuck I needed is your way of ‘respecting’ my feelings?” Then, after a shaky breath, Gon runs both his hands through his hair. “Besides, how the fuck did you expect me to respect _your_ feelings, to know what the hell was going through your damn head if you never fucking _told me anything._ I’m not a mind reader, Killua!”

_You expect people to know… You never say anything… People don’t read your mind…_

Gon’s words hit him hard, and when he thinks about all of the things he kept from Gon because he thought he knew better, because he thought that Gon needed that-

He had done all of that for _Gon_.

_Or maybe it just made you feel vulnerable._

“Fine!” He says, in a surge of anger, of bitterness, and he doesn’t really think about what he’s saying, just that he wants to make things as hard for Gon as he can. “You want me to talk about my feelings? Here you fucking go. I want you! I’ve liked you ever since we were kids!”

“And how the hell did you expect me to know that, huh? If you didn’t even tell me?”

_What?!_

“It was so fucking obvious, Gon!” So damn obvious, that Killua wondered how the hell Gon hadn’t brought it up at one point. He was terrified that everyone on the whole fucking _planet_ could tell.

“Really? Because to me, it wasn’t. You were always so reserved and aloof and _in control_ all the time!” Gon screams, hands gesturing wildly as desperation threatens to take over him, and Killua’s shocked into silence. Had Gon really thought that? All these years? _In control?_ “You never told me _anything._ Hell, Killua, you never said a fucking peep about wanting to be my _friend_ , let alone wanting to _date_ me!”

 _I thought it was… obvious,_ Killua thinks. He couldn’t go a single day without thinking about Gon, without being grateful to him, without wanting to tell him just how important Gon was to him. He though Gon understood, that he had been clear enough in his romantic intentions and that Gon just didn’t share the sentiment. _I just thought he… understood and simply didn’t bring it up._

The reality of Alluka’s words come crashing down on him, and it’s like Killua’s forced to remember all the times he had kept Gon in the dark, all the times he had inadvertently hurt him, had taken his feelings for granted. Killua’s stomach drops with the realization, and he wants to say something, but Gon’s got the jump on him, like he’s been desperate to get this out for _ages._

“After what happened? After we had _sex_ ,” Killua recoils, can almost feel the wind getting knocked out of him through Gon’s words. “- and I was fifteen and unsure and I told you that _I loved you_ and you essentially told me to fuck _off_ -”

“I did _not -_ ”

“Yes, you did! You literally said ‘I’m sorry’, packed up, and _left!_ ”

At that, Killua snaps himself out of whatever had taken over him, pain taking the place of shock and anger, the memory of Gon’s wrists being almost as thin as his fingers, feather-light in his grip, skin crumpled and broken with his face marred by blood and an all-consuming nausea is on him, threatening to empty the contents of Killua’s stomach.

He has a very vague recollection of that night. Killua knows what they did and how it happened, but all he remembers is the _relief,_ the deep and absolute relief, and the onset of fear. Gon’s touches were numb in comparison to the steadily growing cacophony of terror inside Killua’s mind.

He takes a deep breath, a deep, calming breath in an attempt to will his nausea away, but then words are spilling out of his mouth, fast and thoughtless. “Because I was _terrified_ of losing you, Gon! I was fucking terrified! You didn’t see yourself in the hospital, Gon. You didn’t –” Killua gasps for air as vile climbs up his throat to spill over into his mouth. Gon’s features soften somewhat, but it’s only for a brief second. “I –” As soon as Gon relaxes, it’s gone, and he’s back to the cold anger splaying across his face. “I couldn’t go through that again! I was hurt and so fucking… _scared_.”

The last words leave his mouth in a whisper, barely loud enough for the both of them to hear.

“And how was I supposed to _know_?” Gon asks again, driving Alluka’s words further home.

_It was so obvious! Why can’t he see this?_

“I thought -”

“It was obvious?” Gon interrupts, with a crude laugh. He shoots a glare at Killua, challenging him to say otherwise, and Killua’s forming words but no sound is coming out, because what could he even _say?_

“All I remember…” And Gon’s voice so full of hurt that Killua finally understands how much pain he had gone through after the ordeal with Pitou. Killua had been so focused on himself, on how Gon’s near-death had scared him that he had completely forgotten about Gon’s grief. About _Kite._

“Is you breaking my heart and up and leaving.” Gon takes a deep breath, and his voice goes soft for a split second. “And then, with Alluka… And I know it’s not her fault, I’m not blaming her, don’t get me wrong, but… I already felt like shit. I just wanted to feel needed by you. Like I was still important to you, and then you tell me that I was number two in your heart and it felt like getting slapped in the face.”

Killua’s world comes crashing down.

It was never just Gon. It had never been just Gon. Of course it hadn’t. Open, honest, Gon. Killua had blamed him for everything, had thought he had proven that he would go to hell and back for Gon, and despite that, Gon still chose to throw him away – chose killing Pitou over staying with him…

But that wasn’t true.

“I didn’t mean it like that! I only said that because…”

He was a kid! He had pulled a stupid tantrum because he was scared! How could Gon not get that?  He meant none of the shit he had said that day! None of it!

“I don’t care how you meant it! You never say a word about wanting me around and the single time you speak about the way you feel about me, you tell me that I’m not important!”

The reason they had had so many problems – it wasn’t _just_ Gon’s fucked up state of mind, _just_ him taking Killua’s friendship for granted – it was because Killua had not once, not a single time, told him that he _wanted_ Gon to stay.

“Why would I spend two years with you if I didn’t want you around?” It’s his las attempt to redeem himself. Killua figures that the argument would make Gon realize that, ‘oh, of course, silly me’, and Killua’s actions would be right and there would be no argument to be had – Gon would have to take the blame and they would apologize and get sorted out quickly.

Just a minor misunderstanding.

Of course, nothing was so simple when it came to them. Not anymore.

“I thought you were just killing time until you found something you wanted to do.”

Gon falls back down in his spot, seemingly being done with the conversation and ready to let it go, but Killua’s never been good at letting the other person have the last word. He grasps on the first thing he can think of, knowing full well that this isn’t about _his_ feelings, not this time around. But he says it anyway, because he needs to have the upper hand, he needs to feel like Gon’s words aren’t final.

“So what now?” His voice comes out shrill, much louder than he had expected, as he grabs Gon’s shoulders, twisting him around so that he’ll face him, but Gon won’t even look him in the eyes. Killua feels a violent wave of pure, unadulterated shame transforming itself into anger. “We’re going to pretend that you still don’t like me? That we don’t want to fuck each other silly?”

Then, Gon looks at him, and there’s a particular expression in Gon’s face, one that screams ‘you wouldn’t dare’. But apparently, Gon doesn’t know Killua as well as they both had thought, because Killua does.

“I want you!” He screams, letting out five-years’ worth of pent up frustration in three words. Then, a smile spreads across his lips, eyes going wide, and Killua can feel himself losing his head as he points towards himself. “And you want me _back_!”

There’s disappointment in Gon’s frown, the way he’s thinking how low Killua’s fallen, but doesn’t say it out of _pity._

“And?” Gon finally replies after what seems like hours, tired and done with this conversation ten minutes ago.

“What do you mean, ‘and’? Is that all you have to say?”

Then, Gon’s anger is back, indignation burning in his eyes, hands at the ready to swat Killua if he even dares to go near him. Gon’s tone shifts then, and although he’s still angry, resignation seems to be taking over.

“Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I’m happy with Mika? That I’m not just dating him until I realize that I actually do like you better and then I’ll break up with him and we can have our happily ever after?”

The thought had been in the back of Killua’s mind, slowly taking shape and poisoning his behavior around Mika and Gon, and Gon had seen right through him, and the words had been on the tip of his tongue for the entirety of their argument, but he hadn’t said them to spare Killua’s feelings.

“I just-” Gon says, anger gone and now all just the raw edges of his grief spilling over into the room, into Killua, exhausted. “I just wanted to feel needed for _once_ , like me being there made a difference! And Mika does that for me! Dammit, Killua, is that so terrible? Is that really so fucking terrible?”

“I-” Killua has lost. There’s nothing else he can say to fix what he’s said, to pretend that they would be able to get over this hurdle and Mika would be out of the picture. Killua knew when he had lost, and he was no sore loser. He just needed to ask.

 “But… Why did you hide Mika from me?” And Killua doesn’t really mean anything by it. He’s not harboring romantic intention or trying to get something out of Gon, he just wants to know why Gon felt the need to Mika from him.

“Because a part of me kept thinking that Mika and I wouldn’t last. That you were the right one for me and that it was pointless to inform you. I was dead wrong, but after a year of us being together it just seemed weird to tell you ‘oh, by the way I’ve been dating someone long-term!’”

 _That makes… sense,_ Killua thinks. And then, the tension is gone. By no means are things going back to normal, but the fight is over and done with and Killua’s ready to go to sleep and ignore the crushing weight in the pit of his stomach for the duration of his sleep cycle.

But then Gon has to go and pour salt into the wound.

“Just so we’re clear, Killua. You don’t have a chance.”

_Oh, now that’s rich._

Now it looks like Killua’s a desperate omega chasing an alpha – which Gon isn’t even – that had no interest in him whatsoever, when Gon had literally eye-fucked him in the courtyard. _Fuck_ him, if he didn’t want this fucking argument to be over, so be it.

“You looked at me like you were ready to fuck me!”

It takes Gon a few seconds to reply, and Killua knows that he’s going to regret hearing whatever’s going to come out of his mouth. Probably something he hadn’t said out of consideration for Killua’s feelings, but he had no more patience to keep himself in check. “Yes! So fucking what? I want you! I’ve had a crush on you since we were fucking fourteen and I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you. I still like you! So much it fucking hurts! The only difference…” and Gon finally looks Killua in the eyes, making sure that he gets the message loud and clear. “-Is that Mika was there when you weren’t. When I needed you most.”

Killua feels something tighten in his chest. A part of him hates himself, because Gon admitting to liking him back gave him butterflies in his stomach, in their current situation, and the other part of himself just wants to hide under his covers. Tears are prickling at his eyes, out of sadness, out of guilt, he doesn’t know, but he never thought that hearing Gon tell him that he wants him back would bring so much heartbreak.

“So that’s it?” Killua asks, because what else is there left to say?

“I’m sorry, Killua.” Gon says, matter-of-factly and final.

_I don’t want this._

“Fuck you! You can’t just _do this!_ ” Killua screams, a final wave of desperation taking him over. That was it? There’s nothing Killua could do about it? “Tell me my feelings are requited and then cross your arms and say no!”

 “I just did.”

At that, silence befalls the room one last time that night, and Gon walks off to the bathroom to get ready to bed, leaving Killua to his thoughts.

As he tries to control the tears falling down his cheeks, ones that had been threatening to spill out from the beginning of their conversation, Killua’s never been more grateful for one of his night shifts to start.

Before Gon can come back out of the bathroom, Killua leaves without a single word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really important chapter this time around. I know some of you were expecting smut!!! Sorry about that <3 It's just that I feel very strongly about this particular scene (and the fights I've seen break out over Gon's supposedly "abusive behavior" on tumblr) and this scene was literally a huge anchor for this story. So sorry about that, but I hope you can appreciate it nonetheless and enjoy Gon finally beaing some of his feelings!


	11. Chapter 11

Killua doesn’t see, hear or talk much to Gon after that. Killua’s too embarrassed to try, anyway. Their conversation had left a gaping hole in Killua’s chest, and every time they were forced to spend time alone, whether it be in the room, in the diner, or anywhere else, Gon would, invariably, leave Killua to go find Mika, a look of cold anger crossing his features.

Killua can do nothing but attempt to replicate the expression, mostly out of spite, because if there’s one thing Killua doesn’t take well, it’s being humiliated. His cheeks still go hot whenever he has the memory of their argument at the forefront of his mind, and Gon’s words come and go in waves.

It makes for the most awkward accidental bump-ins, and once again it feels like the two of them are complete strangers, but this time around there’s no easy banter to pretend that nothing’s wrong, no flowing conversation about stupid shit to distract him from a problem so obvious it feels like it’s literally sitting on his face.

Killua has to wonder how so much could happen with two people over the course of a month. His job had started just midway through April, and now, only five weeks later, they were nearing the end of May. It took them only five weeks to completely wreck seven years of hard work.

The guilt washes him over sometimes, and for a few minutes at a time, he finds himself trailing Gon to apologize, to talk, to say anything that will break the silence that plagues them, but then their conversation comes back, and all of the hurt and anger (At Gon, at Mika, or at himself, he can’t tell) and shame pools into him with it, and as he quickly as he goes, he’s turning on the spot because _fuck that._

And as much as he avoids them, Killua is sometimes unfortunate enough to stumble across Gon and Mika together, holding hands, or just plain in the middle of a conversation. Whatever issues they had had on the day of Killua and Gon’s sparring session had seemed to be cleared up – and Mika of course, has taken advantage of the fact that they’re not really talking to each other anymore.

Killua hopes that Gon wasn’t insensitive enough to tell Mika what had gone on in their room (and although his mind keeps telling him that he doesn’t really know Gon anymore, not like that, his gut tells him that Gon probably doesn’t want to tell Mika, not to save Killua some face, but to put Mika at ease), but Mika’s a smart boy. Killua and Gon can try to pretend to coordinate well when they’re forced to meet up with the other wings’ bodyguards for recon – the rest of the team expects them to get along due to their history – but Mika knows Gon like the back of his hand, and he has a discerning eye.

Killua can’t tell if Mika’s being overly cuddly with Gon, or if that’s just the way they are and it seems exaggerated to him because of the circumstances, but it soon becomes clear to Killua that Mika’s not actually trying to aggravate Killua further. He shoots Killua a single glance of victory the day after their fight, but then whenever Gon’s not looking, Mika stares at Killua. Too short and unheated to come off as smug, too calm to contain any possessive anger in it. He just stares at him, and then at Gon, turning away with something Killua can only identify as worry. And, boy, did he try to find a different meaning.

Killua can only send back an animated stare, except his isn’t worried. He’s hateful and aggressive – he sends one of his death glares, knowing full well that they’re empty threats, but Mika’s scared shitless. Killua makes sure to send as much hatred as he can – if Mika hadn’t been so fucking difficult about it, Killua would have managed to handle it _a bit more_ like the grown ass adult he is, but the kid forces the worst out of him. He probably expected Killua to be too defeated to try anything, and he _was_ , but not so much so that he would let _Mika_ know.

Gon never confronts him about it, so he assumes that Mika’s smart enough to keep his fucking mouth shut. It doesn’t improve Killua’s situation at all, however, and only makes him feel worse at night, because, in the end, Mika has a reason to be smug and Killua has a reason to be embarrassed.

He finds comfort in his sister’s voice a few days later, knowing that, at the very least he wasn’t all alone. Alluka calls him up in the middle of one of his afternoon shifts, right after another uncomfortable incident with Gon at the door of their room.

The both of them have been lucky enough to dodge each other with minor effort, but in that particular moment, Gon stepped into the door’s frame just as Killua was stepping out, and the two seconds of disorientation after bumping into each other did not make up for the awkwardness in Gon’s touch after he had reached out to grab Killua as a reflex.

Once Gon has processed that he was holding Killua’s wrists, he rips his own hand off as if he’s been burned, almost running to the bathroom and locking himself inside.

This leaves Killua to brood some more until a god-sent call from Alluka distracts him long enough to stop him from doing anything stupid (like going back to Gon and trying to patch things up, if that was even possible at this point.)

“Onii-chan!” Alluka’s sweet voice plays from the other side of the line. She sounds unusually happy, which helps alleviate his nerves almost immediately, but also makes him a bit suspicious because Killua just _knows_ that Zushi is somehow involved.

“Hello, sis. _Someone’s_ in a good mood, huh?” Alluka’s just about jumping up and down as she almost screams into the phone’s mic. _Yup, definitely has to do with Zushi._

Without wasting a second, Alluka bombards him with a plethora of good news. Her date with Zushi had gone fantastically, in fact, they’d been on four more. Killua feels compelled to ask her if they had really been on five dates in less than eight weeks, because frankly, that seems a bit excessive to him. Her only reply is one of laughter. Then she tells him that they’ve even held hands in public, had their first kiss (at which Killua cringes), and she’s considering asking Zushi out herself if he doesn’t do it first.  He quickly changes the subject to her nen skill.

“Oh, Onii-chan, you’re such a prude sometimes.” She says, and he’s just glad to hear Alluka in such a good mood. Killua ‘s been worried that it would take her some time to adjust after they had been living together for so long, but that wasn’t even close to being true.

Honestly, Killua wishes that Alluka would miss him a little bit more, but he figures it’s better than her moping around all day and not learning anything.

“Please forgive me for not wanting to know about the details of your romantic life.” Because he loves his baby sister, but those were details no older brother wanted to know.

“Speaking of romantic life.” She starts, suggestive, and Killua immediately knows where she’s going.

 _Oh, no._ He had set her up. By accident, but he had set her up for that reply. _God, I’m so stupid sometimes._

“Which one?” _Which one, indeed?_ He doesn’t think Gon admitting to wanting him back and then telling him to fuck off really counts as _romance._

“Don’t play dumb, Onii-chan!” For once, Alluka’s insistence borders on annoying rather than endearing, but he figures he might as well get it off his chest. Seeing how things were with Gon, he certainly wasn’t going to be able to talk about it with _him_.

“I did what you said.” He says, his own voice sounding a lot more crestfallen than he had intended for it to come out.

“Really?! You actually listened to me for once? How’d it go?” Alluka almost screams into the phone. Killua feels bad about disappointing Alluka, and he sure as hell doesn’t want to make her feel like it’s her fault, but…

“Gon and I aren’t really on talking terms anymore.”

A small gasp, and then “Oh… What happened?”

Killua tells her everything. Much like before, she listens without making a peep, but her silence is mostly solemn, making little noises of disappointment here and there.

“Oh, God, Onii-chan – I’m so sorry. I didn’t think it would -”

He knew Alluka would blame herself. But it wasn’t her fault – she was just trying to help, she just told him what he had to hear.

“I know you didn’t. I’m not blaming you. You were right about everything, and I’m glad I heard it from you before getting slapped around by Gon.” Because maybe, if she hadn’t said anything, things with Gon would have ended up much, much worse.

There’s silence on the other side of the line, and then a very characteristic intake of breath, one that says Alluka is ready to do something just a _little_ brash.

“Well, what are you waiting for?”

“What?”

“You shouldn’t be talking to _me_!”

_What? She wants me to go and try talk this out with Gon? This isn’t something you can just talk about!_

“Alluka, no-”

“I don’t want to talk to you until you’ve apologized.” An ultimatum. Of course she would. Alluka was the best when it came to understanding Killua and calling him out when he needed to be.

“Alluka…”

“I mean it. I won’t tell you about my nen skills. Do it, right now.”

At that, the line goes dead, and Killua’s left once again to wonder what the fuck he had done in a previous life to deserve this.

\---

Killua tries to avoid it as much as he can. And why shouldn’t he? He has an excuse every time he finds the courage to seek Gon out, namely, Mika himself. Every single time he finds it in himself to stop letting his pride get in the way, Gon is suspiciously never fucking alone. And while Killua wants to apologize – he really, really does – he can’t do it in front of Mika. Fuck that.

One, two, four, seven times it happens – he _counted_. Killua miraculously finds Gon sitting by himself in the garden, or the kitchen, or the roof, and just as Killua’s about to open his mouth to yell Gon’s name (or any nonsense that would replace Gon’s name in a fit of embarrassment), Mika’s voice effectively cuts him off, joining Gon in his free time and resting his head on his lap.

He thinks of interrupting them all seven times, but only once does it occur to him to wait things out. He figures Mika will probably have to say something about _him_ , anyway.

Mika is resting on Gon’s lap as Killua hides behind a pillar in the garden. He’s holding his breath, hoping that neither of them will notice him, and soon enough, Mika starts speaking.

“Why are you avoiding him?”

Well, that was awfully convenient, Killua thinks. He got to hear Gon’s excuses straight from his mouth.

“Hmm?” Is all Gon says.

“Don’t ‘Hmm?’ me, Gon. Why are you avoiding Killua?” Mika repeats, now more exasperated. Killua’s heart rises in his chest. He knows why Gon’s avoiding him, of course. He has all the right to. Killua fucked up, big time.

Gon majestically avoids the question again. He had become a master of that, it seems.

“I thought you would be happy about this. You hate Killua.”

 _Yeah, that much is clear._ Not that Killua could blame him. If he were in Mika’s position, he’d fucking hate himself too.

“I don’t hate him.” Mika sighs after a long time.

_What._

Gon echoes his feelings. “ _What?”_

“I don’t.” Mika repeats.

“Mika, you’re not very good at lying.”

Killua has to agree. The one thing Mika had gotten across was that he couldn’t stand Killua’s guts.

“Yes. Because I don’t lie. Ever. Even now.”

 _Oh, come on._ He was probably doing it to play up his “bigger man” act.

“But-”

“I don’t hate Killua.” Mika says again, sternly. So sternly in fact, that Killua almost believes him. “I hate what he means to you and I hate what he does sometimes, but I don’t hate _him_. I’d probably do the same in his position.”

Killua suddenly feels embarrassed. It has to be an act. Of course it is! That’s rich, coming from the asshole that literally glared at him every chance he got, showed Gon off every single time he could – there’s no way Mika doesn’t actually despise him.

“Then why are you so –” Gon tries to find the words that will least insult Mika. “-so angry and petty around him? I have to ask you for days just to apologize to him! Even when you know you’re wrong!”

_Yeah, that’s right! He’s a fucking liar!_

“It’s just hard, Gon!” Mika starts, waving his hands in the air as if he were trying to find an appropriate explanation. He finally settles on one. “It’s an omega thing.” Gon seems confused by this, however, if his grunt is any indication, and Mika elaborates. “You two have history and I get jealous and it’s just… hard!”

Mika rolls on his side and covers his face with his hands. “I’m not… I’m not usually like this.”

“I know.” Gon replies, a hand carding through Mika’s hair.

“And- and I feel bad about it, too, okay? I just-” Mika struggles to find the words, out of embarrassment or fear to say it out loud, he doesn’t know, but he eventually finds the words. “I just feel like I’m constantly battling him and yielding – at all – feels like I’m somehow losing you.”

Killua finds himself shocked at Mika’s words. He remembers Palm. And their first encounter, and it suddenly feels like he’s doing to Mika what Palm did to him.

“Mika, you know I love you, right?” Gon says, voice so tender and soft and quiet that Killua barely catches it. Almost refuses to hear it, and anger flares in the base of Killua’s skull, because why should he have to listen to this?

He gets up to leave, hating Mika all over again.

_Fuck him._

He doesn’t want to hear this. He’s tired of having their love for each other fed down his throat, as if he’s not hurt enough over it already. No one in their right fucking mind would want to listen to that.

_Except you’re eavesdropping – no one’s forcing anything down your throat. And you have no right to get angry, anyway._

Gon could have been _his_. And he dropped him like a fucking _fly_.

This was on him.

Killua takes a deep breath and sits back down.

“Yes.” Mika uncovers his face, shooting a small smile at Gon. “Yes, I do. And I’m trying, really hard.” To get along with him. Mika was trying really hard to get along with Killua.

_Unbelievable._

“Okay, good. You’re better than this. I’m sure Killua will understand.”

Killua thinks Gon is putting too much faith in him, but in the end, it doesn’t matter. If he wants to stay friends with Gon, he’s going to have to get along with the brat. With _Mika._

“I hope so.” Mika says, his tone so genuine and worried that Killua almost feels bad. Almost. “Thank you. Now stop skirting around the question. Why are you avoiding him?”

Killua welcomes the subject change, if not because it’s about him and Gon, and that’s his favorite subject at this point in his life, but because he doesn’t want to deal with his own consciousness and the way Mika’s words make him feel. Killua’s never dealt well with guilt.

Gon laughs. “Straight to the point, huh?”

“Gon.” The stern tone is back.

“Does it matter?” Gon asks, good-naturedly, but he’s obviously trying to avoid answering.

“Yes! Of course it does!”

“Why?” Gon asks again, seriously this time.

“Because he’s important to you!” Mika finally screams, an unsaid ‘obviously’ clear in his tone. “And even if I act like I fucking hate him – which I don’t – anything or anyone that is important to you should be cherished. I don’t have to love him, and he doesn’t have to love me. But you two are best friends.”

Best friends.

_Just best friends._

_Better than nothing at all._

“You were very clear about your feelings, Mika.” Disbelief is all over Gon’s tone. “You don’t have to pretend you want to get along with him when you clearly don’t. I can stay friends with him without you two ever meeting again.”

Well, that would certainly make them both happy.

Mika sighs again, almost disappointed with Gon’s lack of understanding.

“I didn’t tell him that I hate him. I just, expressed with very… _angry_ methods that he was overstepping a boundary. Do I not have the right to?”

Gon pauses, and then he nods, slowly. “Yes, absolutely.”

They stay quiet after that, seemingly just enjoying each other’s presence. Mika, much like Alluka, seems to be an expert at asking the same question over and over again however.

“So. Why are you avoiding him?”

Gon groans, and Killua feels bad for him. He knew that feeling well. At the same time, he wanted to hear his answer.

“I don’t know.”

_Oh._

“Really?” Mika sounds as incredulous as Killua feels.

Gon doesn’t answer.

Mika eventually gives up when a whole minute passes and Gon refuses to speak about Killua.

“Look, Gon. I won’t pry.” Mika says, slowly, and Killua can feel a bit of indignation in his tone, like he’s upset that Gon doesn’t want to talk to him about it. “But I’m not stupid. I know that you two shared something that changed your lives. I know that he’s important to you.” Pause. “I respect that.”

Gon hums in appreciation.

“And I know that I haven’t been doing a great job around him – but I don’t want to be reason you two stop being friends.”

Killua guesses he wants Gon to find another reason for them to stop being friends – just doesn’t want to be responsible for their falling out.

_Stop that, Killua. Stop assuming things._

“You mean that?” Gon asks, surprised, but mostly relieved.

Mika nods, a sigh of contentment leaving his lips.

“Huh.”

Mika laughs out loud, asking Gon why he seems so surprised at the fact that he wasn’t “acting like a fucking toddler”. Killua wants to say that he had actually been acting like a fucking toddler, but seeing as he’s still hiding from the two of them, he figures it’s a bad idea to just jump in like that. Not like he had been any better, anyway.

“Gon, remember Sally?” Mika asks.

Gon laughs. Really hard. “Ah. Yes.” He says, still laughing as Mika pouts at him. “The boy you so lovingly called mustard bitchface. Because he had blond hair.”

_Oh, god._

“Yeah.” Mika replies, so calm Killua almost snorts.

Gon laughs even harder, clutching at his ribs as he doubles over. “The boy you threw a ten pound tub of mustard at.” Mika shrugs. “And then you proceeded to break two of his ribs and ‘accidentally’ kneed him in the balls.”

“Yeah.” Mika says, again, deadpan.

“Because he was ‘a fucking cunt that needed to learn his place’.” Killua wonders what the asshole had done to earn Mika’s wrath like that – not even trying to take Gon away from him had gotten Killua that much heat.

“He called my mother a stupid hag for getting his order wrong, to be fair.” Mika says, an implicit “what else was I gonna do?” in his tone.

“True.” Gon nods, conceding the point. “I remember him. Why?”

“I hated him.” Mika replies, as if that explains everything.

“Ok…” Gon waits for Mika to elaborate, and when he doesn’t Gon pushes. Your point is?”

Mika sighs, poking Gon in the stomach. “You don’t see me throwing tubs of salt at Killua’s head.”

At that, Killua’s offended. As if it were so easy to just throw salt at him like that. _Bitch couldn’t take me even if he tried._

“Oh.” Gon chuckles. “You sure it isn’t because you’re afraid of him?” Gon asks, softly poking back.

 _That’s right, tell him, Gon!_ At least Gon wasn’t _that_ blinded by his love for Mika.

“Sally was taller than you.” Mika’s tone is so matter-of-factly that Killua has to wonder whether Mika is brave or just plain stupid. He attacked a guy that was over a foot taller than him, and won, but that wasn’t important.

“Fair enough.” Gon finally replies, and the two of them fall into silence.

Killua recognizes that as his cue to leave – he has other things to worry about. Like the fact that even Mika is pushing Gon to try to make up with him when all of this was Killua’s fault in the first place. Killua resolves to apologize to him. He has to set things right and say he’s sorry. It’s only fair.

This was on him. This was on _him._ He wouldn’t undermine Gon’s feelings this time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorrryyy Finals week was brutal!! But here it is, also for anyone curious about Mika's and Killua's appearance, here's a sketch I made of them: [Sketch](http://phospenumbra.tumblr.com/post/134975450696/drawing-a-quick-sketch-of-my-son-bc-i-havent-in-a%20)


	12. Chapter 12

Killua finally finds his chance to speak with Gon almost a week later. Gon is just returning from his own evening patrolling, and Killua takes advantage of Gon being a bit more tired than usual after a long evening patrol, since he becomes… malleable when exhausted, rather than irritable.

Killua’s been fidgeting all day, planning what he’s going to say to start a conversation without scaring Gon off, thinking of any and all ways Gon would try to shut him off, and how to counter them.

Gon’s angry glares have died out, and to Killua, that seems like a good indicator Gon is ready to talk (he decides not to think about the possibility that it’s just Gon not wasting any more energy on their argument), and he waits on his bed, book in hand, as nonchalantly as he can. He’s too nervous to actually read anything, and he almost considers setting up his En so Gon won’t catch him by surprise, but just as the thought crosses his mind, the doors to their room are open and Gon’s heavy footsteps disrupt the quiet peace.

As always, he ignores Killua.

Whatever courage Killua had managed to muster up is gone in the second it takes Gon to cross the room, grab a notebook, turn around, and leave.

Killua lets out a shaky breath, running his hands through his hair, feeling stupid because he had thought of every way to counter Gon except for walking out of the room.

_I said I was gonna do this. If not for Gon, for Alluka. God, stop being such a fucking coward all the damn time, Killua!_

In a rush of impulsiveness, Killua jumps off the bed and runs out the door, forgetting that Gon had left a mere three seconds ago, and effectively stamps his face against Gon’s broad back. Killua’s too shocked and in too much pain (what the _fuck_ is Gon’s back made out of – rocks?!) to react in time, and he falls flat on his ass.

“Ki-” Gon says as he (belatedly) tries to catch him, being interrupted by the sight of Killua desperately rubbing his nose. “-llua.”

Killua manages to get up by himself, grateful that Gon didn’t just leave him there to rub at his face – because damn, that had really fucking _hurt_ – but then he remembers he actually has to say something now.

“Gon!” Is the only thing he can muster in a fit of panic, previous plans completely thrown out the window now that he’s faced with the man himself.

Gon’s expression immediately shifts to one of realization: his eyes go wide and he hunches down to Killua’s level (which isn’t offensive at _all_ ), an air of secrecy and danger and _excitement_ coming out of his damn _pores_.

_What?_

“Did you detect someone?”

“What?”

“You ran out so panicked that I thought -”

_Oh. An intruder._

“No!” His scream echoes in the hallway, Gon reacting lightning-fast to cover Killua’s mouth with his hand. Gon gives him a dirty look – ‘ _you moron’_ it says – before Killua almost tears his hands off. “I-” And he stops right there because he doesn’t know what to say. He wants to apologize, he wants to turn around and run away, he wants to cry and have Gon hug him better. So he settles on looking straight into Gon’s eyes, and thinking as hard as he can that he’s sorry. He still doesn’t have the courage to say it out loud, doesn’t think he’ll ever be very good at that, and he knows that it’s fucked up of him to not even try, knowing full-well how much he had hurt Gon like this.

But Gon knows.

He picks up on Killua’s intentions immediately, letting out a small sigh of disappointment, shaking his head. “You never change, do you?” His voice isn’t angry, but it’s certainly not kind. Gon turns around to leave, the steps echoing in the hallway reminding him of a white palace in the desert of East Gorteau. The image of Gon’s back – smaller and younger and further away, walking to his death at the hands of his own anger – flashes in front of Killua, and the same feeling of dread, like something is going to end if he doesn’t do anything to stop it, swallows his heart hole.

Killua doesn’t really think of what he’s doing. He runs up to Gon and grabs his wrist with a vice-grip, making sure that at the very least, Gon will stay for as long as it takes him to say it out loud.

“I’m-!” he starts, but his voice gets cut off against his will, and no matter how hard he tries, the words just won’t leave his damn mouth.  _It’s just two words, Killua. Two words._ And really, it’s not that hard to say sorry. He’s apologized to his sister millions of times, to Leorio, to Kurapika. It’s not that. It’s never been that.

_What if this time he won’t forgive me?_

Gon waits expectantly, lips thin and patience practically radiating from his body, wrist slack in Killua’s hold – eyes gentle.  None of the anger Killua saw in Gon’s eyes the day they fought there. It’s just _hurt_ , Killua realizes. Just sadness and pain.

He’s just about had enough of himself.

He let’s go of Gon’s hand, looking him straight in the eye. It’s now or never, he thinks, and then the words flow easily. “I’m sorry.” He says, only loud enough for Gon to hear. “I said a lot of things in the heat of the moment. And I meant them.” Gon’s lips twitch upwards and he rolls his eyes a little, but Killua’s not even ashamed. He’s never been a liar. “All of them. But all that stuff I said – It was uncalled for. I’m sorry, Gon.”

And then, like magic, Gon’s shoulders and stance relax immediately, a sigh of relief on his lips. In a split second, his arms are around Killua, so tight that Killua can hear Gon’s heartbeat through his shirt, and he finds himself hugging Gon’s midriff as well. They stay like that for a moment, before Killua pulls him closer,

“Not just for our fight.” Killua says. Gon’s arms tense – so hard that Killua thinks he’s said something wrong – but then his head is resting on Killua’s right shoulder, and there’s no words between them, but Killua can hear the forgiveness, his relief, and Gon’s voiceless ‘thank you’ in the gentle waves of his aura.

After a moment, Gon steps back, putting a warm hand on Killua’s head and effectively ruffling Killua’s synthetic, perfected mess into a bird’s nest of hair. There’s a gorgeous, little smile on his face, and Killua can’t help but mirror it, even if his hair is a disaster.

Gon’s smile falters into something dimmer as he speaks, subdued. “We… both said shit we shouldn’t have said.” Gon says, apologetic and open, so open it almost hurts.  “And I’m sorry, too.” He laughs Killua’s nerves away, and when Killua lightly punches him in the arm, the horrible feeling in the base of Killua’s belly is gone.

Gon sticks out his hand for Killua to shake, and just like that, “Friends?”

Killua does the same, a small, nervous smile just barely tugging at his lips.

“Friends.”

\---

There’s not much change to the way Gon and Killua talk after that, but the atmosphere is different. They’re both tired of the emotional roller-coaster that trying to rebuild their relationship has led to, so for the most part, their talking consists of small talk, ‘hello’s and ‘see you later’s when Gon disappears to see Mika.

Everything else is just a pleasant quiet.

That is, until one of Killua’s shifts has him out on the very same courtyard in which he had sparred with Gon, and Mika’s shouting voice comes into his earshot. He’s out in broad daylight, but far enough that he can scream all he wants without being heard by the rest of the team, but close enough that Killua can listen to what he’s saying without straining his ears.

_Who is he fighting with? Another omega?_

“Mika, I -” The distinct baritone of Gon’s voice penetrates the air, and Killua almost slaps his forehead at the realization. He wonders why he had any doubts as to who he was fighting with, but Killua’s curiosity is now piqued, and he forces himself closer (the need to use Zetsu is overwhelming, but that would just alert Gon to his presence rather than hide it) to make sure that he doesn’t miss anything.

It’s a little weird, hearing Mika scream his head off at Gon. Killua knew him as a weak and submissive omega, the kind that would react to Gon saying ‘Jump’ with a ‘How high?’ Gon is being forced to be defensive as well, and while Killua can’t really make out their positions because he’s hiding behind a pillar that completely hides his body, Gon’s tone makes it clear.

“I’ve asked you time and again, Gon!” Mika says, all indignation and hurt pouring out of his voice. It sounds like they’ve had this conversation millions of times, and while Killua doesn’t know why, he knows that it’s important to Mika.

“I know.” Gon replies, unhappy as well, but putting his foot down where it needs to be.

“Then why won’t you?!”

“I just – can’t. I don’t think we’re ready for this. At all.” Gon’s voice comes out tired, much like the way he had sounded during his argument with Killua. He just wants this conversation to be over with and for Mika to stop _pushing._

“Yeah?” A soft pause, pained and absorbing the punch of Gon’s words. “It just feels like you don’t want this. Like you’re not committed enough.”

 _Holy shit. What are they talking about?_ It sounds so important to Mika, like something their relationship is actually hinging on, while Gon sounds… tired.

“Mika, I-” Gon says, cutting himself off at the end, almost offended. _Yeah, buddy. I’ve experienced first-hand how much his supposed lack of commitment is very much not an issue with you two._

“If that’s not it, then-” Mika replies, and Killua can almost see the tears brimming over when his voice cracks at the end. “Just, explain why? Please.”

“Mika, I’ve spent two years travelling with you, you really think the issue is _commitment?_ ” Gon says, as if that were the answer to everything.

Killua snorts. He could think of someone else Gon had travelled two years with and _he_ certainly wasn’t the one having that discussion with him right now.

“I don’t want excuses, Gon. I just want an explanation.”

“Well, I don’t have one!”

“Fine, then.” Mika says, with a tone of finality. Killua knows that he has something up his sleeve from the way it comes out of his mouth. Mika was expecting their conversation to head down this path, and he had planned appropriately.

_Crafty omega._

“You say fine, but nothing is.”

_Can you two please just say what you’re talking about?_

“No, nothing’s fine, _Love.”_ And the way Mika says the last word is so vicious that Killua can feel the absolute, scathing anger in it just barely covering the sadness behind his words, the way Gon’s probably recoiling in shock.

It takes a few seconds for Gon to recover before speaking again. “Then, what?”

“I talked to Gahre.” Mika says, as if that piece of information alone was enough to devastate Gon. _What?_

Apparently it _is_ enough to devastate him, and Gon mimics his sentiments of confusion, albeit in a much more worried and panicked manner _. “What?!”_

“I asked him if I could take leave for the duration of my heat.” Mika says like he’s delivering blow, after blow, after blow with his words. “Unless you change your mind, it’s going to last much longer than necessary and I’ll just be detrimental to the mission.”

_Oh! His heat! Of course!_

His realization is then replaced by a sudden wave of cold in his stomach, and then a growing dread pooling in the base of his back, as Killua’s reminded of the fact that his _own_ heat would be coming up soon, _in less than a week in fact_ , and a wave of panic takes him over as he rushes to think of all the things he needs to do.

_Oh, shit._

Killua swears when he realizes that he hasn’t started taking his fucking heat suppressants, which he should have started taking ten days prior to his heat. His stomach drops as he counts. It’s been five days since his fucking preheat started.

_Shit._

He had been so distracted with Gon and their… whatever it was, that he had completely forgotten about his heat. Getting it on the job was an unfortunate side-effect of being an omega, but if he prepared accordingly, it would go over smoothly as long as no alphas were around. His heat should get pushed back until the next mating season if he did everything properly. Five days late wasn’t _too late._

He could still manage to work something out with only mild discomfort (for a Zoldyck, anyway) if he started now.

_Yes. I can do this. I’m not that late._

“And you didn’t even _ask_ me?” Gon screams, effectively interrupting Killua’s thoughts. Killua’s about to run back to his room, ready to take a large dose of heat suppressants to make up for his lost days – not recommended by anyone but he’s not going to risk going into fucking heat in the middle of a _job –_ until he hears Mika speak up again.

“I’m not _yours_ , okay? At least not until you do something about it. And that clearly isn’t happening, so.”

 _His omega? Until he does something about it?_ Killua thinks of the possibility of Mika and Gon having an _agreement,_ the unfortunate kind of agreement Beta and Omega pairs had to make (although Killua suspects that Gon would not be okay with Mika going off by himself and finding an Alpha to fuck his heat away; Mika doesn’t strike him like the kind to do that either), but then Mika’s turning around, walking with a sort of sad determination on his face as he makes his way back to the entrance of the mansion.

“Mika!”  Gon screams with a last ditch attempt at getting through to his boyfriend, but Killua already knows that Mika’s decided. He’s going to be gone for the next two weeks, and that was final. Mika shuts the door behind him – stubborn and sassy.

Killua barely has time to turn around before he sees Gon, dejected and resigned, coming back towards him, when he decides it’s his time to bail.

He really needs those pills anyway.

\---

Mika comes looking for him afterwards, meekly knocking on his door. Killua screams at him that Gon’s not there, nervous now about his heat and the scent he’s probably producing – the last thing he needs is Mika to discover he’s an omega when he and Gon finally sorted themselves out.

“Hey.” Mika starts.

“Hey.” Killua replies, just barely opening the door.

“Look, this isn’t easy for me.” Mika says, looking Killua in the eye.

Killua sighs, and then walks out, shutting the door behind him. “I know. I overheard your conversation with Gon the other day.”

“Oh?” Mika says, shock all over his voice. “You did. I’m honestly surprised you believed me.”

Killua bristles.

“Why? Did you lie to-?”

“I don’t lie, Killua. It’s how I feel.”

That shuts Killua up. He was just like Gon, couldn’t lie or hide shit to save his damn life. Mika’s eyes take on a different sheen then, and Killua can’t really decipher what it is, but it’s different from his usual angry heat. “Look.” He starts. “I know you two have history. Romantic history. I know how much you mean to him, and I know how much he means to you.” Mika breathes in, thinking of the right words. “I got jealous and I reacted aggressively. Not my best moments,” Killua agrees _._ “-but I don’t think I was completely unreasonable. I don’t think you would understand but… It’s an omega thing.”

_An omega thing._

Of course he understood. He understood so much it was almost weird, sympathizing with Mika.

“You’re being fairly calm today, though.” Killua points out, because really, nothing had changed for Mika to suddenly want to be buddy-buds with him.

“I know Gon told you to back off.” Mika finally says after a minute. He clearly wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to say, and after Killua’s cheeks started burning (because Gon had obviously told him about their argument now, and _that_ was a different level of shame he’d rather not deal with, ever), Mika rushes to correct himself.

“He didn’t tell me! It’s- It’s in your attitude.” His voice is suddenly softer, and he sounds a little bit embarrassed. “And that relieves me. Thank you for not pushing any further. I know how hard it must be.”

It stings. More than just a little bit. It stings so much Killua can almost feel his eyes start to water, but what is he going to do? Say he hasn’t accepted it, that he wants to punch Mika in the face? None of it was true. He’s grateful for Gon’s friendship, and he would accept it in any form. Gon is still Gon, and Mika would stay.

“Okay.” He finally says, willing his tears away. He could admit defeat, but he still had his pride. Mika would never see him cry.

“Okay.” Mika copied.

“So…” Killua starts, because Mika couldn’t have possibly gone through all the trouble of visiting him just to thank him for backing off.

“I’m just here to ask you to look out for Gon while I’m gone.” Mika says. “You know, make sure he’s safe and all that.”

“What?” The question leaves Killua’s mouth as a squawk, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, because really, Gon definitely doesn’t need any looking out for, much less from Killua.

Mika sighs, and then looks away, shrugging.

“I needed an excuse to talk to you. It’s the best I had, okay? Work with me.”

Killua actually laughs a little, even if the topic at hand isn’t particularly funny. “Go on?”

“I-” Mika begins, swallowing as his eyes dart around the hallway. He finds his courage again. “I want to be friends with you.”

_What._

Mika seems to recognize Killua’s face as one of confusion bordering on alarm, and he immediately shifts his tone. “I understand if you don’t, but let’s at least try to get along.” He coughs. “I’ll do my part and try to be less… _sensitive_ around you. And you do your part. I don’t enjoy this constant fighting either.” He finishes, barely able to look Killua in the eye.

Killua doesn’t know why, but it’s like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

Killua sighs a little. “Fair enough.”

“Okay…” Mika says, slowly. “See you soon, I… guess?”

Killua nods, and just like that Mika briskly walks away from the room, leaving Killua to his thoughts for the rest of the night.

True to his word, Mika’s gone by the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS!! Sorry for the delay! I've been a bit tired with my trip back home (I'm studying abroad and I just came back home for winter break), but the chapter is here!! I hope you guys are excited about the next chapters because things are gonna get good with Killua's new issue!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!!
> 
>  
> 
> THAT SAID, I just want to clarify one thing:
> 
> If you don't like the direction of this fic, I invite you to stop reading. I don't appreciate being told how to write my fanfic (constructive criticism is VERY different and I welcome it) and instead of forcing your views on me I'd rather just save us both the frustration (AND anger in my case) and ask you to drop this fic.
> 
> (edit) the above comment was directed at a specific comment that aggravated me a lot in a previous chapter (However the poster of the comment has apologized so no hard feelings!! ) and I feel like I sent out the wrong message to a lot of you! Please don't take it personally, I just wanted to make a general comment at people who might feel like doing that. I'm sorry if i made any of you feel like you were stepping over a line, i love seeing all of you in the comments section and it wasn't my intention to make anyone feel uncomfortable commenting, sorry!


	13. Chapter 13

Killua has to wonder where Mika’s being taken to ‘deal’ with his heat, and how Gahre even permitted that instead of telling him to fuck off and take his heat suppressants, but he figures that Mika probably made a good enough excuse up (he had proven to be crafty before), and just really wanted to clear his head a little.

Which left Killua to down three heat suppressants and an additional dose of OPI, because he had been stupid enough to forget to take the damn pills, and unfortunately, not a single brand of OPI (not even the ones provided by the Hunter association) is powerful enough to contain the scent of an Omega in heat. While Killua’s not in heat yet, his scent should be changing.

_I’m not doing this to Gon._

Especially not after they had finally, once again, managed to kind of patch things up. Even if he wouldn’t react like an alpha would – Killua wasn’t doing that to anyone.

Killua and Gon are alone in their room that night, in the single hour between Killua’s evening shift and Gon’s graveyard shift, and Gon looks like a kicked puppy. Killua thinks it’s only appropriate that he would try to start the conversation this time around, given that he was the one in the wrong, so he pretends that he hadn’t just eavesdropped on them the day before.

“So, Mika…” Killua begins. Gon shifts in his own bed, from giving Killua his back to turning around to face him, a hefty sigh on his lips.

“Yup.” Is all he says in reply.

“Why’d he leave?” Killua’s hoping that Gon will explain what the fuck Mika had meant by … all of that conversation, really. He figures Gon will either avoid the line of questioning entirely, or just not say anything specific, but there’s nothing lost in trying.

“Oh, just… You know.” The ‘don’t say anything specific’ tactic. Killua knows how to manipulate these situations well, and a completely feigned lack of interest will usually get the desired response.

“Huh.” He says, flipping his book’s pages in earnest, really trying to play off the look of disinterest.

“He’s-” Gon starts, and Killua already knows his tactics have won. Gon doesn’t have anyone to really talk to since Mika’s left, and he wouldn’t have been able to talk to him anyway, and if there’s something Gon’s not good at, it’s keeping shit in. _Unless it’s killing him inside and he hates himself so much he can’t even bring himself to bother others with it,_ but that’s a thought for another time.

It only takes a few seconds for Gon to cave.

“He’s going into heat soon and he decided to take care of his business somewhere he won’t be an impediment to the mission.” He finally declares. There’s a little huff of relief at the end, as if he had really been holding that in for a while.

 _Yeah. I know._ However, Killua fakes being surprised.

“That time already, huh?” Killua has to laugh at himself, because that particular question isn’t even completely unwarranted, given that he had forgotten about his own fucking heat. He knew he had been getting drowsy but he figured it was due to the stress of being around Gon, but then, lo and fucking behold, it was just his heat kicking in.

Killua had spent a good portion of the day just nosing at himself to try and see if he was giving off any particular odor, not that it would do him any good, but he’s had three pills of OPI. If he took three every day he should be able to hide his heat scent, and he’d burn through the bottle before the remaining portion of the four months, but he could probably arrange for a new one with Gahre, and at the very least he wouldn’t be sending any alphas into ruts.  He hated that shit almost as much as he hated going through heats.

_Fuck me._

“Why didn’t he just go on suppressants, then?” _Like I should have six days ago._

“I don’t… know, actually.” Gon says, finally grasping that Mika could have easily avoided this whole situation but had instead chosen to do it the roundabout away just to spend some time away from Gon. He slumps with the realization.

“Where is he even going?” Because if he wasn’t being sent to a stayhouse, an omega out of control could do some really stupid shit. He had been there. Multiple times. Heats made people dumb like that.

“Back home. To a stayhouse.” Oh, good. Well at least Gon wouldn’t have to worry about cheating.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, he’s never been sent off to one of them so I don’t know how to feel about it.” More like Gon’s worried he was going to like it too much, but Killua doesn’t say that.

Since, unfortunately for omegas all around the world, nothing quite replaced the real thing.

“Eh, they’re great. He’ll be fine.” He says, off-handedly. The one time Killua had spent his heat in a stayhouse he had not regretted it at all. Being treated like a fucking princess, food-service twenty-four hours, the comfiest of beds and the largest repertoire of sex-toys ever imaginable? They were great. Hell, he would have loved to stay there for longer had it not been for the annoying, pressing warmth in his stomach that reminded him no alphas were around.

“How would _you_ know?” Gon asks, a small, curious little smile playing on his lips. Killua then realizes what he’s implying.

_Oh shit._

_Oh shit oh shit oh shit._

Killua almost fries his brain thinking of any excuse of why he would know that stayhouses are great – omegas were known to being extremely secretive about them, and while everyone knew what the hell went on in them, not a single omega in their right mind would discuss it openly – and then

Kurapika.

Of course.

“Well, Kurapika has told me all about it!” Killua hopes that Gon doesn’t notice the way his voice falters at the end, the way sweat starts piling on his temples.

“Really?”

The moment passes.

Gon sounds mostly disappointed with his answer, but Killua can’t hear any traces of suspicion. “I’ve tried to ask him about it so many times but he says that now that he’s dating Leorio there’s ‘no reason for him to discuss such things.’”

_Yeah, dumbass. You’re not an omega. No one wants to talk about how they spent two weeks getting fucked by plastic toys, Gon._

But then, Gon’s eyes widen as he notices the time, a quiet ‘shit’ leaving his lips as he almost trips over his own feet to get out of the room.

Killua lets himself fall back on the bed, a sigh leaving his lips as he begins to relax. Killua’s just grateful that Gon hasn’t figured out he’s an omega, quietly thanking Gon’s small episodes of obtuseness.

Now he needed to figure out the rest.

\---

He wakes up the next day, feeling fuzzy and stuffy and far too drowsy for a triple dose of heat suppressants, and there’s a very mild cramping in his lower belly that completely erases the possibility of his other symptoms being related to anything but his heat.

It’s three days until his heat starts, and Killua was expecting the symptoms to take a while to go away, since he had only been on his pills for a single day, but the pain in his stomach still startles him into taking another dose. He takes three more heat suppressants, making up for his lost ones, and he takes an additional triple dose of OPI.

_God, this is probably really fucking up my hormones._

_Oh, well._

He takes them all in one go, and just as he’s gone washing them down with water, Gon deems it proper to enter in the same instant that Killua’s putting the bottles away. It takes all of Killua’s self-control to not try and throw himself back into the bed and pretend he was sleeping. He’s too lethargic for that, anyway.

Gon’s done with his night shift, probably ready to pass out, but then he stops in the middle of the room, squinting and sniffing far too much for Killua’s comfort.

_Damn you and your ridiculous sense of smell._

Killua hadn’t even been producing any slick yet, but the scent was concentrated enough for Gon to perceive the changes in the air, and Killua never thought that he could hate Gon’s keen little nose (well, it had gotten them out of trouble more times than he could count), but there are first times for everything, it seems.

“Oh, it… Smells really weird in here.” Gon says, still with his incessant sniffing. Killua quietly covers his bed as nerves tied his stomach up. He makes sure to act as natural as possible when he heads towards the shower. He barely manages to pass Gon before Gon’s hands are on his left arm, and he pulls him in closer, too close, nose still going at it like it’s the last time he’ll smell anything.

Killua almost squeaks.

He rips his body off from Gon, literally throwing himself into the bathroom and locking himself in before replying. “Yeah, I burned some incense to help me relax for the night!” He screams, because he can’t come up with a feasible excuse that would explain why the room smells like _heat._

“Huh? That’s some weird smelling incense.” _You don’t know the half of it._ Killua can hear the unmistakable sound of Gon getting into bed, and after resting his head on the bathroom tile because _Gon almost scented the omega off of him_ , he spends a good half hour simply scrubbing at his body to make sure that not a single person in the manor can sense the changes in his body.

\---

Killua’s symptoms keep getting progressively worse.

Midway through the eighth day of his preheat, Killua’s taken over by a very a sudden wave of tightness in his stomach, the unpleasant, burning, ‘you’re-in-for-something-even-worse-if-you-don’t-find-an alpha-soon!’ kind.

His throat chokes out a groan as the dull ache ebbs in an out, every throb of pain forcing him to curl up further on the spot in the middle of the empty hallway. So much for lunch. It’s only two, and now he’s going to have to hole himself up in his room and stay in bed because the stupid pills haven’t kicked in yet.

At least Gon’s not there to make things _worse._

“Killua?” Speak of the fucking devil. Killua barely contains a groan of pain mixed with exasperation – he already has enough on his damn plate for Gon to go and complicate his life through the mere act of existing – and Gon’s already running up to him, ‘are you okay’s spilling out of his mouth as he kneels next to Killua.

_Today is just not my fucking day, is it?_

“I’m fine. I just twisted my ankle.” It’s weak, but it’s the only thing he can say through the excruciating agony literally twisting up his insides.

Gon doesn’t buy it.

He grabs Killua’s face, eyes suspicious as he tries to search for deceit in Killua’s gaze, and suddenly something besides pain is jolting Killua’s stomach, forcing him to jump out of his Gon’s unnecessarily tight grip, almost half-rolling to the side until Gon fucking _catches_ him and steadies Killua with his hands.

“Hm…” Gon murmurs to himself. Killua really thinks that if Gon wants to be weirdly perceptive about random shit, this was _not_ the right time.

“You don’t need to lie to me.” He says. Killua’s heart drops into his stomach, because the ruse is up. Gon knows he’s an omega and now everything is fucked up and he’s going to tell Gahre and be sent to a stayhouse and his reputation as a fucking first class hunter is going to be marred forever, all because he has the organizational skills of a three-year-old toddler when it came to his heats.

 _Fuck me. Fuck me._ Also Fuck Gon. _But mostly fuck me._

“You ate too much chocolate?”

_Oh._

_Oh my-_

His classical retort regarding all of his poison training is on the _tip of his tongue_ , because a part of him almost feels offended that Gon would think something as simple as _chocolate_ would fuck him up quite like this, but it’s better than the alternative, so Killua vehemently refuses to say anything.

He’s clutching his stomach (even harder to play into Gon’s suspicions) so it’s obviously not his ankle, but Gon, nonetheless, with his ridiculous arms – fuck, they were the size of Killua’s head – scoops Killua up like he’s a frickin’ princess from under his arms and knees, feather-light and all too easy for Gon to manhandle, and takes him back to their room.

Killua doesn’t struggle too much as a gesture of gratefulness for the lack of questioning, but he does let out a small yelp of surprise.

Once they’re at the door, Gon stops dead in his tracks, and he looks round the room, eyes all squinty and Killua already knows it’s the damn scent. He’s taking the pills but he spends all of his off time in the room (fucking nesting, of all things, because nothing says ‘I’m ready for a good fuck’ like a disarranged mountain of pillows piling up on his bed), and even a beta would notice such a concentrated stench.

“You really like that, huh?” Gon says, scrunching up his nose, referring to the smell in his room. Killua’s only mildly offended by the disgust on Gon’s face.

“What?” _Rude._

“That incense. It’s been burning for three days now.” _Right._ He had made that up in the spur of the moment, and Gon’s incredible perception fails him pathetically when it’s convenient for Killua.

“Aromatherapy helps me sleep.” Killua says. If he’s going to lie, he’s going to stick to his guns, no matter how bad it sounds to him as he says it. It also helps that he had actually burned a stick of incense he managed to get from Gahre to distract from the smell. So he technically isn’t lying anymore.

Gon’s already putting him on his bed, just dropping him on top, and he’s so grateful that Gon hadn’t tucked him into it because that would have made things… difficult. Killua sleeps in the bed and the scent sticks to it the most.

“You don’t like it?”  Killua asks to fill the silence. Okay, he was more than just a little offended.

Gon shakes his head. “No, that’s not it at all. It smells good.” He breathes in through his nose, as if really assessing the quality of Killua’s ‘incense’. ” Really good.” Killua’s about to call him a liar, because he had made a face, but then Gon continues, voice a bit too rough and too deep for it to be about the incense Killua _had_ burned. “Just a bit too _potent_ is all.”

Gon clears his throat.

_Fuck._

“I’m…” Gon starts, things suddenly going very awkward, at least for Killua. “-gonna go now.”

_Yes, thank god! Leave._

“Don’t open the door for anyone except me, okay?” Gon says as he’s leaving the room once again, presumably to start his shift. Killua just nods as a reply, ready to go back to sleep because he’s drowsy as fuck now (sleeping, fucking and eating is all he’s good for when he’s in heat, and preheats were there to prepare him for that), and more than willing to pass out, but Gon won’t _leave_.

“What?” Killua says, exasperation tinging his voice at the end, because he wants _to go to sleep._

“I mean it.” Gon replies, voice sturdy and too serious for Killua’s liking. He’s cramping and in a little bit of pain, not frail and dying, for god’s sake.

“I can protect myself.” Killua’s intonation comes out a bit more bitter than he intended, because if there’s anything he hates, it’s being treated like a helpless omega. Even if he is one.

“I don’t care. Don’t open the door.”

Another retort is on Killua’s lips, but Gon’s already out the door, and Killua frankly doesn’t have the energy for a to-and-fro with Gon, anyway. He can already feel his eyes drooping on him and the warmth of his bed literally pulling him towards sleep.

A minute after tucking himself in, Killua’s gone.

\---

He’s jolted awake by more cramping the next morning: incessant, powerful cramping, far stronger than the ones from the day before – and holy fuck, had he really passed out for sixteen hours? He feels around for the bag next to his bed to take his pills, a groan on his lips, and then he realizes, with cold sweat and a sudden onset of all-consuming fear, that something’s wrong.

Very wrong.

There’s slick running down his thighs and the bed is a fucking mess, too wet and too hot and too cold, and he’s almost howling because his stomach is pushing, and pulling and it feels like he’s being torn apart from inside, the pain forcing him to curl his toes as he barely manages to restrain his writhing to the inside of his bed and not destroy anything by accident.

His thighs are soaked and he clutches onto his pillow because this isn’t normal, this isn’t how his heats usually go. It’s always ten days and on the eleventh, on the fucking dot, he starts leaking slick like crazy and then it’s time for business. He’s two days ahead and he hates this and his heat suppressants should have stopped the slick at the very least for another three or four days and then-

Killua realizes that his pills aren’t working. At all.

He doesn’t have enough of a head on his shoulders to think about what comes next. There’s a tight pull in his lower belly, first painful, so painful Killua chokes on his own breath, like the cramps that had woken him up, and then it quietly ebbs into something else. Something as equally as tight but not painful, only hot and powerful – a slow build of arousal and need he knows too well. Far too well.

Suddenly, he’s wearing too many clothes, his skin is hot and prickly and begging to be touched and he can’t tell left from right, the barest of touches forcing Killua’s senses into overdrive and there’s a _need_ building in his thigs, in his chest, in his cock, in his _hole_ and -

_Oh._

His heat had come early.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> B))))), haha I guess we all know what happens next chapter (OR DO WE). Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter and thank you for staying with me this far!!


	14. Chapter 14

_Oh, fuck._

Killua kicks off his sheets as he lets the information sink in. He tries to think of any other possible explanation – getting his heat on the job is literally _the_ worst possible scenario – but he’s learned to recognize by now that his biology gives no fucks about his reputation, or his money, or his anything, really.

Killua looks over to Gon’s bed, squinting as his slow, barely-awake body begins to catch up to his racing thoughts. As his eyes finally focus, he lets out a long sigh of relief; Gon is gone and his bed is neatly-made. Of course.

 _Right_. _Gon has a shift today, thank god._ Killua lifts his eyes to look at the clock on his nightstand, because if he wants to avoid Gon discovering anything he has to do something about the mess he’s (or his body) has made, and fast, even if he barely feels like moving and his legs feel like they’re made of fucking lead or something equally as heavy.

Finally, the red numbers clear up, and Killua’s heartbeat skyrockets when he sees the time.  Ten minutes to two. Gon’s shift _ends_ at two. If he doesn’t do anything about the fucking mess _right now_ Gon might come back and everything would be ruined and Killua would have to deal with _Gon knowing things_ on top of his fucking heat.

_Fuck. No, no, no, no!_

As Killua’s eyes jump, or try to jump, all around the room in an attempt to identify the immediate tell-tale object of his heat, he looks down at his slick soaked sheets. The bed. The slick was literally everywhere. If Gon saw that-

Fortunately, Killua remembers there’s a small bottle of hebreeze in his closet, and he rolls onto the floor as fast as he can (which is to say he probably looks like a panicking sloth) and barely manages to stand up long enough to walk to the closet. Killua sprays the can around the room and on top of his bed until there’s no more left to spray, throwing the covers of his bed on top of the wet spot so at least it wouldn’t be immediately obvious. There were more pressing concerns, like himself and his own body, and the very noticeable trail of fluids on his legs.

He needs a shower, now.

Killua’s head is stuffy and it’s like any sound he hears is filtered through water, but the rush of adrenaline, of fear, is keeping him alert and somewhat able, instead of what he usually is during his heats: a desperate and needy heap of limbs on the bed. He manages to trudge towards the bathroom, removing his clothes as he goes and bundling them up to take with him before another pain is pulling at his belly, and then, every step is agony. He just wants to lay on the floor, ass up, completely undignified, and let someone, anyone, fuck him until he can’t see straight, and Killua tumbles into the door to the bathroom, into the walls of the bath, naked and exposed and _horny as hell_ and he needs to get into the shower _this instant._

He manages to get in to turn the shower on, and as he finally relaxes when he realizes that he’ll at least be able to fuck himself with his fingers in the shower (not that it will do anything except abate his desire for twenty _whole_ minutes), his stomach drops as his worst nightmare comes true.

“God, did you empty a can of hebreeze in here?” Gon’s voice is only at the end of the room, distorted and barely audible through Killua’s fucked up ears, but Killua can already hear his footsteps coming towards the shower.

He’s completely paralyzed when he feels Gon knock on the bathroom’s door.

“Killua, is everything okay in there?” There’s a bit of curiosity laced into Gon’s voice, but the worry complete overshadows it. Killua doesn’t say anything, out of fear that his voice will come out weird and very obviously not what Gon’s used to – needy and wanting to be fucked raw – which will only prompt him to ask more questions.

_Leave me alone. Not now, please!_

“I’m coming in.” Gon says, with an air of finality.

_No. No._

Killua rushes to the shower, because if he’s going to be caught at the very least he’d rather not have it be with slick drying between his thighs and an embarrassing amount of redness on his cheeks that couldn’t be excused by the heat of the steam, but then he remembers that he wouldn’t have left the door unlocked.

He’s okay, he locked the door.

The door is locked.

The doorknob _turns_ and Gon is inside, eyes going wide with shock when he sees Killua standing in the middle of it, naked and exposed, and his eyes all but _sweep_ across Killua’s body in a slow drag, like he’s trying to take in every single detail. He lingers on Killua’s neck and on his cock, after which Killua has enough presence of mind to cover up because he’s _hard,_ and then Gon’s stare drops to his legs. Or rather, the slick on them.

“Oh.” Gon says. Something finally dawning on him as Killua can only stand there, helplessly stiff and _terrified_ as Gon’s eyes go dark and his fists clench into tight balls, his breath leaving out in quick, almost painful wisps.

Then, he snaps out of it, and he rips his eyes from Killua’s legs, instead forcing himself to settle them elsewhere in one of the corners of the bathroom, and Killua knows that he knows. They both know.

“Oh, shit.” Gon says again, carding his fingers through his hair, breathing through his mouth and pointedly _not through his nose,_ and Killua doesn’t know what to do. He extends a hand to Gon as an attempt to express the fear his heavy tongue is stopping him from saying, but Gon beats him.

Gon runs out of the bathroom before Killua’s hand is even half way there.

Killua’s heat-muddled and he can barely walk straight, much less run, but he takes a towel from the rack on top of the toilet, wraps it around his waist, completely ignoring the shocks of pleasure rolling down his spine as the towel rubs up against his cock. Killua does his best to follow Gon, the need to explain, to ask what the fuck just happened overwhelming him to the point that when he catches up with Gon, the cold in the hallway next to their room barely fazes him, instead, it helps him concentrate on anything but the aching need between his legs.

“You-” Gon begins, not daring to face Killua, not daring to even go near him for fear of setting him off. “You’re an omega.” Killua can’t quite describe Gon’s tone as one of realization, rather, he thinks Gon sounds more like someone desperately trying to deny the undeniable.

“You’re an omega.” He repeats, slowly, sounding off each syllable as if to process the meaning of the words. “Of course you are. That smell,” Gon’s tone is less incredulous and now full of ‘I’m such a fucking idiot’ as he puts two and two together, “and your _cramping_ and the way I felt the need to-” he lets out a shaky breath. “– to _protect_ you. How did I not see it? It was in my face this whole time.”

“I’m not that obvious.” Killua says, aggravated. He goes to great lengths to hide his omega status, but when it’s heat time, all of that hard work goes down the fucking drain. He’s as surprised as Gon is – Killua could have sworn Gon was just playing along with his lies to salvage his pride and save him the embarrassment of having to admit he was vulnerable.

“Maybe not in the beginning, but, for the past few days?” Gon asks, simply disappointed in himself now. “The signs were all there. I just refused to see them.” Gon runs his hands through his hair, leaning on the wall, “shit.”

_Refused?_

“What? Why?” Killua asks, the sensations from all over his body dying out as he concentrates on Gon’s words.

“You mean you didn’t notice?” Gon responds, disbelief plastered all over his tone.

Killua doesn’t say anything, but Gon takes his confused silence as an answer.

“Never mind.” Gon waves his hand as if to shoo the subject away. “That doesn’t matter. What matters is that I need to request a room change, now.”  

Killua panics. The last thing he needs is for Gahre to go around spreading that he performed badly because he couldn’t control his fucking heat. He’d done everything in his power for the entire world to believe he’s a beta, and he can’t afford to lose that. Not after all those years of hard work. Not with how omegas get treated.

“Gon, please-” And his voice cuts off at the end, high-pitched and wanton and like he can’t talk without it sounding like he’s begging for cock, but Killua continues through Gon’s jump of surprise. Gon can’t tell anyone. Killua will make sure of it _._ “-don’t tell Gahre.”

“But-” Gon starts, making sure to keep his distance from Killua.

“I know it’ll be hard for you, too, but I really, really don’t want anyone else to know.” _I was hoping to keep it from you, but that’s impossible now._ It won’t be pleasant for either of them, but Gon should manage. For the first time, Killua appreciates Gon being a beta, and not the _temporarily_ more fulfilling alternative.

“And what are you going to do about _this_?” Gon says, pointing at the whole of Killua.

He’s almost offended.

After considering all of his options, a grand quantity of one, he looks at Gon. “Nothing.” Because he isn’t really. Killua would do his best to fuck himself when Gon isn’t around, and that would be that. Gon would just have to give him some extra space and put up with the smell.

“What?” Gon almost squeaks, voice high and worried and ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’ dripping from the lone syllable.

“It’ll go away by itself after two weeks. I’ll take my suppressants.” Gon didn’t have to know that those weren’t working. In fact, Killua hopes that Gon won’t recognize that the slick still spilling from his legs was proof enough that they weren’t.

 “How many suppressants would you- “Gon gestures wildly as he asks, before giving up on the task of calculating when he seems to have realized that Killua had managed to hide this from him for at least a week. “How many doses of OPI have you been taking for your preheat?”

Gon’s unusual knowledge of heats and their prevention irritates Killua. Really, it would just be easier for him to say ‘oh, okay. I don’t really get what’s going on but you have it under control’ (not that Killua did), and then just let him be.

But then, Killua figures, if Gon knows that much… He might as well be honest. “Three a day. On both accounts.”

“Killua! That’s not okay!”

_Well. No, of course not._

“I’ve done it before.” On an already terrible trailing mission gone wrong. “Not pleasant but I’m not going to … _relieve_ myself around you.” Killua says the last sentence in a whisper, because suddenly he’s feeling another one of his stupid contractions, which almost makes him tumble to the ground, but he uses the wall to steady himself just in time. He clenches his teeth to stop himself from making any noise, but a small gasp still gets through.

Gon swallows, _hard._

He looks away, and continues as if Killua just hadn’t just doubled over.

“And the job?”

_Please stop._

“I’ll manage.” Killua grits out, the need to shower growing by the second because he needs release, and if he doesn’t come right now he’s going to jump the fuck out of Gon. Killua’s about to leave for the bathroom – he’s running out of self-control and fast – but then Gon swears again, startling Killua into staying still.

“ _Fuck_ , Killua!” Gon screams, his previous cool completely lost as he paces in the small space provided by the hallway. Killua thinks that it would be easier to ignore Gon, just run off and fingerfuck himself until the heat abates, but then a nagging voice in his mind tells him to stay, because-

_What if he tells Gahre?_

Then Gon looks at him, desperate and almost pissed, groaning loud enough to set Killua into a fit of anger, even through the haze of the heat and the pain in his belly. “Why didn’t you tell me before?

“Well,” Killua says, flat-out angry and sounding a bit too high-pitched for his liking. “First of all, I don’t really like broadcasting to everyone that ‘hey! I’m a top tier hunter but I become weak and feeble and desperate for cock twice a year!’” Gon takes a step back when Killua says cock, looking like he’s been slapped. _Good._ Then he looks away.

“It’s not really good for business.” He says jokingly. Killua at least tries to see the humor in it – his whole day was a fucking mess anyway, might as well poke fun at himself now that nothing could be done.

Gon doesn’t laugh. “No, I meant before going into-” Gon refuses to say the word heat.

“I didn’t want you to think I was trying anything funny.” Because after Mika had left, Killua conveniently hiding his status as an omega (even if that hadn’t been his intention at all) would have smelled fishy to anyone.

Gon still didn’t look satisfied with the situation. “But then, how are – why are you –”

“An omega?” Killua snarls, anger rising again. _Why are you acting like this is my fault? I’m the one in fucking heat, jackass._

Killua’s had enough. “Well, Gon,” He starts, barely managing to contain himself from screaming. “I don’t fucking know! I, also, would really like to know why my biology decided to fuck with me and make me an omega, but here we _are_!”

Gon just looks at him with pain in his eyes, like something is wrong and Gon just realized he can’t do anything about it. Like no one can do anything about it.

 “Killua, you don’t understand.” Gon says, with an air of seriousness, as if Killua is not grasping something very important, something that could potentially make things worse.

 “What?” Killua’s ready to finalize their debacle, because as long as he would like to stay and argue with Gon about the logistics, the fact was, that he was not _okay,_ and in his mind, literally nothing could be worse than their current scenario. Anything else Gon might want to add is superfluous.

“Your suppressants aren’t going to work. They never would have. Not if I’m around.”

_What?_

_What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I’m not so desperate for you that my pills would stop working just because you’re parading yourself around._ What kind of arrogant prick, selfish-

A loud _boom_ resonates throughout the hallway.

“ _Fuck.”_ Gon’s fist is on the wall, or rather, in it, and there’s a dent the size of Killua’s whole torso along the side where Gon had punched. Gon’s other hand is cradling his face, as an act of frustration or pain, Killua doesn’t know, but Gon’s suddenly in front of him, the hands on his shoulders pushing Killua away from Gon and into the wooden frame of their door.

“Gon?” Killua asks, worried, because something is clearly wrong with him and Gon will not let him see his face at all, and he’s shaking with the effort of-

With the effort of not touching Killua.

“Fuck,” He says, slow and quiet and then growing in both power and speed. “-fuck, fuck _, fuck, fuck!_ ”

“Gon?!”

And then, Gon’s nosing at his scent gland in the back of his neck, and the distance Gon had forced between them, the distance Gon had tried to put between the two of them, is gone and his hands are on the walls, far enough from him that they’re not touching but close enough that Killua feels trapped between them. His nostrils flare as he scents Killua – really scents him this time – without the barrier of the dulling OPI and Gon _moans_ into Killua’s neck, the desperate sound going straight to Killua’s cock as Gon drops his head on the crevice connecting Killua’s left shoulder to the slope of his neck.

“You smell so _fucking good_.”

_Oh, fuck._

Killua throws his head back, feeling a new rush of slick roll down his thighs and another painful tug at his insides, an instinctive and immediate reaction when Gon uses his voice – his _alpha_ voice – low and demanding and fucking with his already hazy mind, the vibration so deep it makes him want to turn around, spread his legs and bare the nape of his neck to Gon _on the spot,_ and suddenly, so many things make sense.

_Gon is an alpha._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! Sorry for the delay!! I've had a really miserable past few days because of family issues so I hope you can forgive me. This chapter also didn't really go as I planned it to (bc the next scene is super long and I wanted to post as soon as possible) and I know that a bunch (if not all of you) were expecting the reveal at the end, but I hope I still managed to surprise some of you!! <3 Thank you for staying with me so far and please look forward to the next chapter B)


	15. Chapter 15

Gon is an alpha. And they were in the worst position an alpha and an omega that _didn’t_ wanna end up fucking could ever be in.

“Gon, we can’t-” Killua says, a last ditch attempt at stopping the both of them from what they’re about to do, but it sounds fake even to him, and the painful _ache_ in his stomach is screaming at him to shut the fuck up and let _go._ Gon’s eyes are pitch-black, a tiny rim of gold surrounding the pupil, hands and whole body tense and gorgeous, raw desire in his gaze, and Killua can feel the flush in his cheeks, in his whole body, begging Gon to fuck him, to knot him.

“I know.” Gon says, but it doesn’t stop his hands from sliding down the door and onto his hips, resting snuggly on Killua’s terribly wrapped towel, rubbing circles into the hot-cold skin of Killua’s navel.

“Then-” _stop. Don’t stop. Are we really going to-? What about-?_

And Gon looks at him, a look that clearly tells him that they both know what they’re thinking about. _Who_ they’re thinking about.

Killua could have ended it right there. Could have said no, forced Gon to leave and give the both of them a wide breadth of space, let them act like nothing happened the day after, and spend the next two weeks in mild discomfort. Everything would go back to normal and Killua’s plan of staying friends with Gon after this mission would have gone smoothly. No drama.

But they both knew. Knew that trying to fight it, their stupid fucking biology and years of pent of frustration, trying to fight their bodies that were destroying any and all restraint both of them had left – was impossible.

“Are you taking birth control?” Gon asks, the part of Killua that’s telling him to stop quickly fading away into nothingness. Killua knows that this is their last chance to get their shit together, if Killua says yes, nothing will get through to him.

Nothing.

“It’s going to be like this for two weeks.” Gon says, more to himself than to Killua. Killua nods, softly feeling himself loosen up and thinking, rationalizing, that Gon could barely stand to look at him for ten minutes. Two weeks? “There’s nothing that can be done about it now.” Gon speaks again, so low Killua barely catches it.

_Yeah._

“Just two weeks.” Killua sighs into Gon’s ear. _Let’s pretend._ That it was only the two of them, that nothing else mattered. If nothing could be done to fix the situation, they would do what they would have to, and guilt, and shame, and regret, and sadness, _that_ could wait.

For just two weeks.

Gon nods at him, getting the full meaning of his words.

Gon raises his head just enough that Killua manages to catch the barest of traces of alpha _scent_ on Gon’s neck, a natural musk that blows any remaining rational thoughts right out of Killua’s mind. It drives Killua fucking _nuts_. He thrashes his head from side to side in an attempt to control his desperate need to offer himself up to Gon, and it’s too faint – Gon’s rut is barely overpowering his API dosage, but Killua’s body is already reacting to it – screaming at him that there’s an alpha, an alpha willing to knot his hole and fuck his heat away, and even if he still felt like lying about being on birth control, Gon would fuck him anyway.

Gon would knot him anyway and he would beg for it to happen.

Killua pulls Gon’s face back down, raising his arms to the back of his neck, whispering into his ears because he can barely breathe, barely talk around Gon’s scent. “Fuck me.”

And just like that, the invisible dam is broken, and Gon’s growling, pushing the both of them inside the room. He closes the door behind him as he rips Killua’s towel off from his hips, taking his own clothes off in the process, touching everywhere he can get his lips, tongue, hands on. Gon pushes them onto Killua’s bed, Killua’s back against the pillows, and he’s kissing Killua like it’s the first and last time, all tongue and teeth and _tasting_ his lips, drawn out and barely conscious of what he’s doing, losing himself to the heavy scent of slick in the room.  

“Incense, huh.” Gon says between littering butterfly kisses all over Killua’s chest, making sure to leave angry, red marks on his collarbone, relishing in the little gasps spilling out of Killua’s mouth before kissing each bruise he leaves better. “Can’t believe I fell for that one.”

“Just means I’m smarter than you.” Killua says through a smirk, but really, he can’t believe Gon fell for that, either.

Then Gon kisses him quiet, and Killua drops his head back into the bed to expose the side of his neck, barely registering Gon’s smile before his tongue is working on the skin there, sending goosebumps all over Killua’s body, dragging a moan out of him as the cold air hits his damp skin, and he’s pushing his head back, more and more and more because Gon’s tongue is everywhere but not fast enough and-

“Sensitive neck?”

Killua’s only reply is a short gasp that sounds like a ‘god, yes’ to him but he’s not sure he really articulated the words. Gon drags his teeth along the delicate skin over Killua’s Adam’s apple, pinching his nipples until they’re red-swollen and then playing with the nubs with his tongue as Killua’s voice is coming out ragged and breathless and painfully broken while his back arcs into the bed, beautiful and enticing at the same time, or so Gon says, and it takes every ounce of self-control for Gon to not fuck him right then and there.

“I’ve wanted to fuck you from the moment I laid my eyes on you.” Gon says, drinking in the sight of a flushed Killua, eyes darkened with lust, lowered at half-mast, eyebrows locked in an upwards position, and it goes straight to Gon’s cock, as Killua’s hands pull Gon’s downwards into the dip of his hipbone.

“Not yet”, Gon says.

Killua opens his mouth, (and fuck does Gon stare, his lips are pink and swollen from Gon’s biting and begging to be kissed and sucked, and his _voice_ -) and through his teeth manages to grate out Gon’s name in a whine as he lets the words wash over him, screaming at him to shut up and get on with it, wanting Gon to just fucking give him his knot already, and he can’t stand it, his skin is burning and his mind is empty, wanting and being and living for Gon’s cock buried inside him, _and Gon is too fucking slow._

The burning in his stomach is pulling at Killua’s legs, almost excruciating as Gon does his very best to touch _anywhere_ except for Killua’s hole.

“Gon!” he finally screams, because he can’t _take it anymore,_ and then Gon _stops._

“Yeah?” He says, lightly tickling Killua’s chest as he crawls backwards, head resting on the crook of Killua’s hip, hands kneading the inside of Killua’s thighs, making his breath hitch as the fingers get closer to his balls.

“Tell me what you want.” His hands are merciless, staying on the patch of skin between Killua’s legs, smudging Killua’s slick everywhere he can touch, and Killua’s nerves are on fire.

“Goddammit, Gon! Give me your-” he starts to scream, but then, Gon’s breathing over Killua’s cock, not touching but the warm, damp breath is making his stomach coil, and coil, white-hot and tight and when Gon’s mouth engulfs him, reaching the base in one motion, Killua instantly _keens_ and he violently grips at Gon’s hair as he arcs into his mouth, eyes rolling into the back of his head. Gon takes care to drink every last bit of Killua’s come.

Gon wipes his mouth and watches Killua come down from his high, taking in the perked nubs and purples bruises, and Killua’s heat abates for two seconds as he relaxes into the bed. But then it’s back, twice as strong and painful, and the need for Gon’s cock overwhelms him to the point that he looks into Gon’s eyes, _begging_ him with a glance to just fuck him, _for god’s sake._

Gon’s hands follow the shape of Killua’s thighs before settling between them, positioning his fingers at Killua’s entrance, looking at Killua for permission beforehand, at which Killua screams that he doesn’t want his fingers, doesn’t even need them, just wants his knot, please, his knot.

“Gon, I don’t need fucking prep.” His voice comes out desperate and ready and borderline angry, because what the _hell_ is Gon doing? but then Gon inches two of his fingers in, stretching and testing and Killua mouths an ‘oh’ just barely leaving his lips in a breath, but it’s still not his cock _._ Gon grunts with the effort of not fucking Killua raw right then and there.

“Shit, you’re so wet.” Gon pushes in two more fingers, leaving all but his thumb inside of Killua’s hole, spreading Killua wide – in and out. Gon pushes Killua’s chest down to stop him from squirming too much, aching and knowing that Killua is more than ready, but there’s something awfully delightful about the way Killua’s hole clenches around him, the way Killua jumps whenever Gon grazes his prostate by-accident-on-purpose, the way Killua is slowly unravelling beneath him, haughty demeanor all but gone and almost begging.

But Gon doesn’t have that much self-control either. With a particular long moan ripping out of Killua’s throat, thrashing and legs spread so wide Gon can smell the new waves of slick as he’s fingering him, Gon loses any form of restraint he had held onto to enjoy Killua, and he’s gone.

Gon manages to line himself up with Killua, the base of his cock already thickening to form his knot, and when Killua sees it, he loses his damn head. There’s a feral look in Killua’s eyes as Gon asks for permission for the last time, almost ready to rip Gon’s head off if he doesn’t do as he’s fucking told.

“I was ready four _hours_ ago! If you don’t-”

Gon lifts Killua’s hips, and he _thrusts._

“Oh, fuuuuuuuck.” Killua’s screaming, legs shaking as he lets his head fall back into the pillows, to just enjoy the fullness, because Gon is so big and delicious and hot, and he clings onto Gon’s shoulders, pulling him down with him to kiss his him, tongue and moans, his or Gon’s he can’t tell, pouring out as Gon _moves._ He’s merciless, fast and all-in and all-out every single time, the slick making him hitch Killua further up with every twist of his hips, until Killua’s almost folded in half, aiming _just_ so that he rubs Killua’s prostate every time, never letting up, even as Killua’s nails dig into Gon’s arms drawing blood.

He can feel his throat start to hurt, grating at him as he howls, something akin to ‘Gon’ leaving his lips over, and over, and over again as Gon twists him over to the side, locking Killua’s right leg over his shoulder as he angles himself to reach deeper, further into Killua, once, twice, and then Killua’s screaming for his knot all over again, because he’s almost there, _almost there,_ belly tightening with heat and his sight going blotchy with white spots.

“God, look at you.” Gon groans into Killua’s ears, and then-

Then, Gon’s hands are on his wrists, pushing down, forcing Killua into position as the base of Gon’s cock swells, spreading Killua so wide it almost hurts, but he’s so muddled with pleasure that all he can think is _full, full, full_ and Killua can feel his orgasm rip through him from the base of his cock with a cut-off shout of Gon’s name, streaks of white covering both of their stomachs. Gon follows suit as Killua clenches down on him tight and sweet, and Killua can feel the short spurts pooling inside of him as Gon groans into his neck, thinking he’s been put on this Earth just for this moment, for the moment Gon’s knot is inside him, locking him in place.

Killua’s still coming down from the afterglow as Gon slumps against him, uncomfortable in his sideways position but still pleasantly full of Gon. Now they just have to wait the knot out.

It takes him a few seconds to catch his breath, but then Gon lifts himself up again, _grinning_ down at Killua with the most beautiful and relaxed open-toothed smile, and Killua can feel his cheeks go red as he grins back and squishes his forehead against Gon’s.

“You’re gorgeous.” Is all Gon can say as he sweeps his gaze over Killua’s body, flushed still with sweat and heavy breathing, hands loosely holding on to his own – fitting perfectly into his own.

“Hmm?” Killua replies.

“I dreamed about this a lot, but it doesn’t really compare.” Something sweet settles in Gon’s eyes, something warm and precious and far away, something Killua thinks is probably reflected in his own, and suddenly it’s so much that Killua has to turn away.

“You never learned how to stop being embarrassing, huh.”

Gon laughs.

“You never learned how to stop being easily embarrassed.”

Killua slaps Gon’s side, and the burnt incense stick catches his attention. He has to laugh. “How did you even fall for that?” Killua asks, laughter bubbling up with each word because really? That was some strong denial at work.

“How did I not know you were an omega after…” Gon starts, eyebrows raised in a way that tells Killua that Gon knows exactly what he’s about to say.

“All the obvious, in-your-face-proof that could be seen miles away?” Killua finishes for him. “I could have sworn you knew.”

Gon lets out an exasperated sigh as he pokes Killua in the ribs. “You literally never change. And besides,” he begins, “If we’re talking about obvious-and-in-your-face-proof, how come _you_ couldn’t tell _I’m_ an alpha?”

_Huh?_

“Huh?” He repeats, verbally. He has to have the most confused expression on his face, because Gon rushes to give his supposed ‘evidence’.

“I mean,” Gon counts on his fingers. “My height. My build. How much I was reacting to you?” By the time he’s finished, Gon looks honestly surprised because Killua isn’t buying any of it.

“Gon. This must be news for you,” and Killua’s using a tone he usually saves for when he’s talking to uneducated children (or shitty alphanists) “But I’ve never, once in my life, met an alpha that hides his scent outside of a mission.” He finishes, and Gon’s expression goes from one of surprise to one of mild confusion.

“Wait, really?” Gon asks.

_Ah, yes, the clueless alpha._

“Yup.”

“Isn’t that… annoying?” Gon squints, asking as if the answer weren’t obvious already. Not that Gon will ever notice, because alphas, to a certain degree, all smell the same – it’s normal to him.

“How would you like to smell every omega present in one space at any given time?” Killua thinks it’s a fair comparison, just because omegas smell good to alphas, it doesn’t mean that the combination of hundreds of them does. The same can be said about alphas.

Gon scrunches up his nose.

“Yeah,” Killua says.

“I’m so sorry. Alphas suck.” Gon says matter-of-factly.

“That you do.” Killua snorts. “So when you hide your scent…What else am I going to think?”

“Well, yeah, that makes sense.” He furrows his brow in thought. “I just hide my scent because I don’t want anyone tracking me through my scent, but I guess I found another reason to now. All those poor omegas.”

“Yup, Kurapika and I complain about it-”

Then, Killua feels a dull pain in his waist and thigh, the one Gon _still_ has over shoulder as he’s still pushing him into an uncomfortable position, and Killua unhinges it from its place, letting it fall down in an attempt to alleviate the ache in his leg. He’s going to get fucked enough that he won’t be able to walk straight in the next two weeks, and he’d rather rest his muscles as much as he can, but then Gon winces, hard and sharp breaths leaving his mouth as Killua _literally_ twists his dick.

“Easy there!” Gon grits out.

Oh, _god no._

Of course they wouldn’t think about this.

“Did it not occur to you that we would have to stay in this position when you decided to knot me?” Gon cringes at Killua’s squeal and then he shrugs his response.

“Not really…”

Any of the charm from the afterglow had been completely broken. Killua almost listens to his desire to kick Gon off him, but stops when he remembers that heats and a broken alpha dicks don’t really go well together.

But now Killua was going to be stuck with a cramped leg for at least half an hour, and five or six hours after that, he would want to be knotted again, and Gon would inadvertently put them in another horrifying position because apparently neither of them have enough presence of mind to do _anything_ besides fuck when they get like that.

Killua tries to gently put his leg in any other position that isn’t ‘completely parallel to Gon’s chest’, but each and every time Gon grits his teeth with pain.

“So I’m gonna have to play banana split for as long as your lump doesn’t go down?” Killua asks, because quite frankly, he’s flexible but he’s not a fucking pretzel.

Gon seems mildly offended.

“You were begging for this _lump_ not even two minutes ago, Killua.”

“I do not _beg._ ” Killua does not beg for knots. He demands them, which is very different. Control is something Killua has never been very willing to relinquish.

“Oh, sorry! I meant scream for me in the softest of voices, Madame.” His tone is good-natured, and he even drops down to kiss Killua’s temple as a pseudo-apology. Killua crosses his arm and turns his face away in fake-anger, and then he can physically feel his body relax as a typical wave of post-coital drowsiness hits him, and suddenly, Killua goes limp because he’s fucking exhausted.

Apparently, no amount of discomfort will keep him from getting his sleep.

“Well, whatever.” Killua says through a yawn. “Unstick yourself from me when it’s down.” Then, he turns his head just enough so that he won’t wake up with both a cramp in his thigh _and_ his neck, closes his eyes, and gets ready for the most annoying nap of history.

“Wait! Are you really going to sleep?” Gon asks, a bit of panic laced in the question.

Killua cracks open a single eye. “Yeah?”

“Hey, at least keep me some company? My back hurts.”

“Well, that’s your own damned fault, isn’t it?”

“Killua!”

Killua wants to reply a goodnight, just to have the last word, but he knows for a fact that whatever noise leaves his mouth isn’t even close to being a word. Killua’s struggling to stay awake, and the last thing he hears is a sigh of resignation before Gon’s fingers lull him to sleep as they paint circles on his legs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> B)))))))))))) ENJOY IT <3 Also I'm kind of curious as to if I surprised any of you by actually making it smut (since some of you swore I would cockblock you). But yeah, we are heading into important territory again in the next few chapters so pls look forward to them!


	16. Chapter 16

Killua wakes up to the heat of Gon’s chest against his back, his head using Gon’s arm as a pillow. The muscles in his thighs ache dully, but Killua can’t help but notice how small he is compared to Gon, how snuggly and perfectly he fits into his form. Gon’s breathing is even, and Killua tries to check the time without wiggling around too much so as to not startle him awake.

It’s around six. He has an hour to eat and get himself washed up before they’re getting down to business again, but he’s still wrapped up in Gon’s arms, and while Killua’s starving, he’s enjoying this too much to actually extricate himself from Gon’s grip. He’ll manage without food. Instead, he pushes back to curl up even tighter, but then he can feel Gon wake up as his arms slide up Killua’s chest and pull him in closer.

“Hey.” Gon’s voice is raspy with drowsiness, and Killua giggles when Gon’s breath tickles the back of his neck.

“Hey.” Killua replies, and he can’t help the way his voice lilts, not when he’s got Gon right next to him, all to himself for the next two weeks.

“Mmm… Awake already?”

“Just barely.” _And not willing to get up anytime soon._

However, his stomach decides for him that it’s time to get up and go shove some food in his face as it lets out a low, single growl of hunger, and then Gon sits up, all laughter and sunshine and Killua thinks that this is probably where he’s meant to be.

“There’s some food on my bed.” Gon says then, pointing at all the food that is _casually_ on Gon’s bed, all desserts and chocolate and a couple of healthy sandwiches lost in the pile.

“That’s awfully convenient.” He says, only a little suspicious.

“Figured you’d be hungry afterwards, so after I ‘unstuck’ myself from you, as you so kindly put it, I went to get us some food.”

“Oh.”

That’s not just awfully convenient, that’s awfully _nice._

Killua doesn’t have it in him to say anything back to Gon’s comment about the ‘unsticking’, and instead he gets up from the bed with a telltale limp and clench of him not wanting Gon’s come to literally pour out of his ass in the short two steps it’ll take him to reach Gon’s bed, but then Killua doesn’t feel anything. He’s empty and hollow and mildly upset because now the second wave is going to come faster so that means he’ll barely get enough time to eat.

“Gon, you came inside me right?” He asks, because he distinctively remembers that Gon had, in fact finished inside of him, otherwise his heat would have never abated.

“Yeah?”

“Then, why…?”

“I don’t know what kind of assholes you’ve been fucking until now, but it’s common courtesy for an alpha to take care of his omega.” Gon says matter-of-factly, and the way ‘his omega’ rolls off of his tongue sends a jolt down Killua’s spine. Gon’s omega. His alpha.

Killua grabs one of his chocorobo boxes and sits down next to Gon, who grabs him by waist and tucks him inside his arms and torso, resting his chin on Killua’s neck. Killua hums with satisfaction, Gon’s scent behind him and the sweet chocolatey goodness spreading across his tongue, then he feels then he feels a new wave of cramping in his abdomen, forcing him to drop the box and slam his face into Gon’s as the pain rattles him in waves, making his breath come out uneven and his hands curl around his stomach.

“See?” Killua barely pushes out, just strong enough so that Gon can hear him over his whining because ‘Killua, my nose!’, “this is why you don’t clean me out. The second wave just comes soo-” a particularly intense wave pulls at Killua, and he opens his mouth wide to scream, but no sound comes out because, much like before, the pain drops completely and then it’s a different kind of ache washing over him.

“I know.” Gon says, and Killua barely hears him through his own labored breathing, but he can tell there’s mischief in Gon’s tone – he had _wanted_ Killua’s next wave to come sooner, or rather, wanted to have an excuse to fuck Killua as soon as possible.

“You’re a fucking dick.” But the slick is already pooling on the bed, and his cock’s already so hard and wanting and his skin is fire wherever Gon’s making contact, and suddenly all he can think about is how much he wants Gon’s knot all over again. Killua turns around and kisses Gon hard on the mouth, reaching down to stroke Gon, but he’s already as hard as can be, breath coming out in barely contained tufts and his fingers already slipping into Killua’s hole, still stretched and ready from their last fuck.

Gon groans as he feels Killua’s slick fall onto his fingers, become a mess on his legs and hands and the bed, and Gon smells so fucking good like that, like satisfaction and strength and like he’s _his._

“I technically hadn’t asked for permission, so…” Gon says, kissing up the length of Killua’s arm and dragging the flat of his tongue over the protrusion of Killua’s collarbone, eliciting a gasp from Killua’s mouth as Gon’s fingers are still working in and out of him.

  _God._ “Just stop _talking_.” Killua aligns his ass with Gon’s cock, already feeling the heat in his lower belly and Gon’s hair-trigger reaction showing in the thinning of his irises and the sudden roughness of his voice.

“No foreplay?” Gon asks, joke-disappointed, but Killua only snarls at him, takes a deep breath and “Shut-” Killua slides down the length of Gon’s shaft. “-up!” He lets the sensation overwhelm him for a moment – the memory, no matter how recent, is never quite like the really thing – as the head of Gon’s cock grazes the bundle of nerves inside of him, and Killua’s letting out a silent ‘ohhhh’ as he lets his head rest in the crook of Gon’s shoulder.

Gon grabs his hips and tries to push Killua back on to his back, ready for a repeat of five hours ago, but Killua’s having none of it. “No.” Making sure that Gon stays put, Killua lifts his ass up, using Gon as support, angles himself and with a swift drop of the hips, pulls a long groan out of Gon in a single motion.

“This-” Killua says, Gon does nothing to help him, instead, he lies back, as much as the stack of pillows will allow him, and only uses the ungodly strength in his hands to push Killua down as he rides him. “This is what you get-” Between moans, Killua can already start to feel the push at Gon’s balls, and his movements become all that more violent as Gon’s hips jerk to meet him in the middle.  “-for being an asshole!”

Then, Killua clenches down on Gon, _hard,_ and he sees white as Gon’s knot swells up inside him. He bites Gon’s shoulder to muffle his scream as he orgasms, Gon’s hands leaving purple marks on Killua’s hips as he fills Killua up with his come.

Then, they both drop onto the bed, breath coming out in hard heaves as they ride it out, and the animal, omega part of Killua’s brain is finally satisfied enough to let Killua think about something besides _knot knot knot._ Gon relaxes, too, and with a full, arrogant smile, he looks up at Killua.

“This is what I get? You say that like _this-“_ Gon gestures at Killua’s ass. “-is bad.”

“This is mediocre.” Killua says, and he wishes it were true. Unfortunately for him, being in heat gave him the fantastic ability to get off to anything and everything. He doesn’t know if that’s good or bad skill to have. He settles for bad.

“Well, that’s your fault.” Gon replies with a shrug.

If Gon hadn’t cleaned him out and let his second wave come early, they could have had proper sex and the both of them would have been happy. Now they’ll both have to wait another six hours for anything even remotely satisfying. Killua hated Gon sometimes.

“And, now we’re stuck like this for god knows how long.” Killua’s at least grateful that the position isn’t as uncomfortable as their previous one, but he would rather have the bed than Gon’s literal rock-hard chest.

“Two hours.”

_What the fuck?_

_“What?”_

“Yup.” What kind of alpha has a knot that stays there for two hours? Gon couldn’t be normal in anything, could he? No, he had to outshine everyone else in everything, and apparently the amount of time he could have his dick stuck up somebody else’s ass was just another competition.

“Oh, fuck that. I’m going to sleep.” He lets himself fall against Gon, as he’s starting to become drowsy, anyway – can already feel his limbs go slow and his mind go slower – and well, Gon’s not the comfiest of pillows, but it’ll have to do. But then he remembers, and he jabs his finger in Gon’s chest with every word. “And this time. Keep. It. _In_.”

Gon has enough gall to _laugh._

“Sure, but,” Gon says, “Do you expect me to stay inside of you for the next six hours or what? I’m amazing but I can’t stay hard for that long.”

Killua groans. He just wants to pass out and forget about _existing_ and Gon’s come in his ass. With the last bit of energy he has, Killua searches in his over-abundant pool of sarcasm, and finds it in him to reply one last time.

“Do you like… Not know of the existence of ass plugs? Like the kind specifically tailored to this particular situation with the odd font choices and the big rainbow letters that say ‘ _satisfy your horny omega tonight’_!” Killua had gone shopping with Kurapika for that one, and they spent the better part of the evening laughing at the weird slogans.

“Okay, you snarky asshole, where do you expect me to procure a sex toy from?”

Killua nods towards his bag.

“You _brought_ one?” Gon sounds a lot more surprised than he should – the both of them know that Killua is nothing if not prepared – and while he hadn’t anticipated to actually find an alpha, he didn’t forget to pack his plugs. Ever. Not since the incident two years ago.

“I don’t think any omegas travel without one during heat season.” Killua says, matter-of-factly. “Now let me sleep.”

Gon squirms around a little bit, sitting up and lifting the both of them off the bed. While Gon’s knot was uncomfortable now that they were finished, Killua eyes close firmly shut anyway. In the back of his mind, and he wouldn’t _ever_ tell Gon, he can’t help but think of how cute it is to have Gon carry him and fish around his bag for the toy while awkwardly angling Killua so that he doesn’t fall.

Killua smiles into Gon’s chest.

When Gon sets him back down on the bed, Killua notices just before he finally falls asleep that he has already gotten used to the rhythm of Gon’s breath in his ears and his fingers tracing names on his thighs and hips.

Gon’s name.

\---

Gon officially takes on all of Killua’s shifts. Killua often wonders how Gon isn’t ready to drop dead whenever he comes back to the room (and sometimes he looks like he is, that is – until the overwhelming scent of Killua’s slick and the sight of Killua finger fucking himself or playing around with the plug he had brought wakes him up in two seconds flat). But then again, Killua wonders how _he_ had even thought of just ‘dealing’ with his heat and going to work. It’s been a week since his heat started and he’s barely been able to stand, too weak-legged, too drowsy, warm and vulnerable to even walk outside of the room, let alone patrol for the duration of it.

By now, the heat-scent has to be enveloping the entire floor, and for more reasons than one, he’s glad that Gahre trusts them and has long since broken the habit of checking up on the two of them, so Gon’s crazy sixteen hour shifts, but more importantly, his heat has gone unnoticed for the most part.

Every day Gon’s out patrolling, he comes back, fucks Killua and knots him until he passes out – happy and satisfied – and when he wakes up, Gon’s hand is always on his waist, or in his hair, or on his leg, his other arm cradling Killua against his chest, as if he were someone precious to him.The thought makes the tips of Killua’s ears red.

About eleven days into his heat, Killua’s munching on one of the multiple chocolate bars that Gon has left for him (besides the croissants, sandwiches, chocorobo boxes, and the blankets on his bed to help with his nesting… needs) right after they’ve finished fucking. Killua’s laying on the bed, letting himself get used to the feeling of being pampered around the clock and not wanting for anything, courtesy of his alpha. Gon’s showering because he admittedly hasn’t showered in about three days, what with the fact that he barely had enough time to sleep, and it’s finally Gahre’s shift so it gives Killua and Gon a chance to relax.

The spray of the steaming shower finally stops, and Gon’s heavy footsteps follow into the room. Killua looks over, a satisfied smile on his face when he sees Gon, in all his naked glory, his dick hanging out (Killua makes several puns pertaining to the word hung and hanging in his head) like a fucking elephant’s trump and his exasperated intake of breath is so fast it almost sounds like a whistle.

“Why do all alphas always try to show off their junk?” Killua sighs into his pillow, because really, who is he trying to impress? Who is he showing off for? It’s not like Killua needed any more convincing of Gon’s above-average skill. He could at least bother to put on a fucking towel.

Gon smirks at him, throwing the towel he had around his neck at Killua.

“Why are you acting like it bothers you?” Gon says, a lilt of humor in his tone. Killua just rolls his eyes.

“I’m not.” Killua returns the smirk, “I just think it’s hilarious that all the alphas I’ve ever met do it.”

Now Gon laughs, sitting at the edge of the bed, hand resting on Killua’s left leg.

Then, there’s silence in the room, far too quiet for the two of them. Gon reduces his breathing to stillness – like he’s hunting prey (Killua’s half-alarmed by the potential of an armed intruder being outside their door, but he thinks it’s more likely that _he’s_ the prey). Killua tenses up, getting ready for whatever Gon has in store for him, when Gon swipes at his ankle, quickly pulling him in before Killua has the chance to kick at Gon’s hands. Gon aims for Killua’s sides, probably hoping to win in a tickle fight as he holds him still with the grip on his foot.

Killua’s too fast for him however, and he pulls a pillow in front of him, whacking Gon with it while he’s at it.

But Gon’s not having it. He puts his face against Killua’s, squishing the pillow against his chest as he presses down on the pillow, his arms spread out over Killua’s smaller body, effectively trapping him in place.

“Why are you talking about other alphas?” Gon’s tone is lighthearted, but Killua hears a hint of something else.

“Jealous?” Killua asks, pushing his face against Gon’s.

Gon pulls back, making a show of shrugging and smiling arrogantly. “Nah, just figured that by now you’d know I’m the best ever.”

Killua can almost see the inside of his fucking skill with how hard he rolls his eyes.

“You are such an alpha.”

“Only when I need to be.”

Killua raises an eyebrow. “Right now you _need_ to be an alpha? You trying to make me swoon or something?”

Gon looks at him, straight in the eyes (because subtlety probably isn’t even in Gon’s vocabulary, much less his body language), and kisses him, soft and slow, fingertips as light as feathers on Killua’s cheeks. He pulls him in for a little longer, as if to show Killua how, despite all his brute strength and all his admittedly stereotypical alpha traits, he was as tender as only Gon knew how to be.

“Maybe.”

Killua’s face puts even tomatoes to shame as he crosses his arms over his face, and that the pillow they had both previously abandoned suddenly served well to protect him from his embarrassment. However, Killua didn’t realize that by hitting Gon once, he would unleash the worst pillow fight the two of them had ever had since they were twelve.

Gon showed him no mercy.

A myriad of insults, of which “oh! How the Great Raijin has fallen!” and “see if your Godspeed can help you now!” were not uncommon. However, Killua fights back just as hard, and with insults of his own ( _Fuck off, Gon!_ ) sprinkled with a little “Fuck, Killua are we having a pillow fight or are you trying to fucking maul me?!” (to which Killua whispers “Both”), Killua himself does a lot of undignified yelping and screaming when Gon hits a little bit _too_ hard – _fucking enhancers_ – and they both end up with like twenty bruises too many for a stupid pillow fight.

Killua likes to say there was no clear winner, but really, Gon had beat him before he even swung the pillow at him from the first time.

He’s still red in the face as he remembers.

Gon didn’t need to try really hard to make Killua swoon.

_You had me there five years ago._

\---

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! Sorry for the huge delay but coming back to school kind of made the past two weeks really hectic and I just couldn't find the time to write. That said, I probably won't be able to keep up my previous schedule at all now that I'm back in school (as a good chunk of the fic was pre-written all the way back in August and I just fixed and added scenes as your comments called for it). I'll try to update about once every two weeks but with midterms coming up soon I can't really promise anything. I'm really sorry and I hope you guys can be patient with me! Thank you so much for all of your comments <33333
> 
> PS: The next chapter is really important B)


	17. Chapter 17

Killua looks at the clock next to his bed, feeling his heart beat a little bit faster as the number changes. The burning in his stomach has been building up for some time (hours? Minutes? He can never tell), and now it’s only 15 minutes until Gon is back, probably rock hard. He can already feel the slick pooling between his legs as he begins to thrust his hip into the mattress, preparing himself to give Gon a little show for when he comes back.

He lets himself get so hard it hurts, circling the base of his cock with his fingers and pulling out the plug at a painstakingly slow pace, making sure to time himself and his movement so as to not finish before Gon’s back.

He hears heavy footsteps down the hall getting closer to the room, and just like he had expected, there’s a sharp intake of breath after the door opens, and then Gon’s paralyzed, standing in the doorway for ten seconds before he finds himself again. Gon sits on the bed, his hands crawling close to Killua, but he makes no move to touch him, or to even look at him properly. Killua stops what he’s doing, and it takes him his full effort to bring himself out of his pleasure long enough to notice that there’s something wrong with Gon.

“Gon…?” Killua asks, and even when he tries to contain his voice because he can already feel his cock and a pooling need in his stomach begging him for Gon’s knot, his voice still sounds like raw sex. Gon flinches.

“Gon?” He asks again, now genuinely worried but still hoping it will pass quickly enough – his body isn’t being particularly patient.

“Killua, we need to talk.”

“Right now?” He asks, displeasure clear in his tone.

“Well -” Gon starts.

Killua sighs, and takes Gon’s hand in his own.

“Gon, I’m not _just_ doing this for show,” his asshole rather agrees with him, and Killua can already feel the state of his mind deteriorating into a jumbled mess. “Can we please just fuck and then we can talk about whatever you want?”

“But-” Gon retracts his hand from Killua’s grip, and suddenly the fear that Gon would decide to end their little sexual adventure forces Killua into a small panic, because _what if he’s forced to spend the rest of his heat without an alpha?_

Ignoring, of course, his other very real fear.

Gon looks like he’s struggling, glancing between Killua and his own hands, but after a few (nauseous, for Killua) moments of deliberation, Gon looks down at his pants. A very obvious hard-on is pushing through, and Gon shakes his head. “Yeah, I don’t think I could have a very intelligent conversation right now, either.”

He turns to grin at Killua, retaking his hand.

Killua grins back, choosing to put his worries in the back of his mind for the nth time in the past few days.

Gon doesn’t even need to prep him – hasn’t for a while now – and the sensation of Gon’s breath fanning over his cheeks, of his lips over his neck, chest, thighs, of Gon pushing through him is always as good as he remembers it. Killua always wonders if he’ll stop feeling it less with every time, like a drug, but every time he’s wrong, caught by the hitch in his own breath when Gon hits just the right spot, or when he can feel himself being stretched to the limits as Gon’s knot pushes and pushes and _pushes_ and then-

Then it’s like he’s at the top of the world.

Killua sighs as Gon puts him down for the cool-down event of “Wait-out-Gon’s-Knot Time”. They’ve gotten a lot better at planning their ending position (which wasn’t even a _thing_ with Killua’s other alphas, but _oh well_ ), to the point where they could both be comfortable for the ensuing two hours.

“Killua?” Gon asks, probing, forcing Killua to remember that wanted to talk afterwards. Killua groans internally.

“Hey!” Gon says, almost offended.

Or externally. He figures it’s a good thing that his back is facing Gon’s chest – at least that way Gon won’t be able to see Killua when he says whatever awful things he’s going to say. It’ll save him a little bit of face.

“It’s not about-”

_The big, fat, pink, polka-dotted, tutu-clad elephant in the room?_

Gon takes a breath. “It’s not about what you think it is.”

Knowing that Gon can’t see him, Killua still rolls his eyes. It does nothing for his nerves, but at least he can poke some fun at their current situation.

_I love how we’re both just not addressing this at all._

There’s a long pause, where Gon starts drumming his fingers against Killua’s skin with increasing impatience, a sign that it’s actually Killua’s turn to respond.

“I’m not sure how I feel about having this Life-Changing Conversation Trademark of Gon Freecss with your dick in my ass,” Killua says, the need to throw up settling more than he’d like to admit after Gon snorts, “but if you really think it’s that important, I can do that.”

“It is.” Gon says, in all seriousness.

So much for his settling stomach.

Killua gulps and pushes his fingers through his hair. “Alrighty, then. I guess I can cross that off the bucket-list.”

Gon doesn’t laugh.

_Shit._

There’s another uncomfortably long pause before Gon speaks, or moves, or does anything for that matter. He’s stopped drumming his fingers, and his shallow breathing sounds more like he’s preparing himself to say something, gathering the courage for something that will probably devastate him. Killua can feel the vile climbing up his esophagus, thinking there have been few situations where he has been this nervous in his life – mostly because if it’s bad news, the most miserable two hours of his whole, entire life, will begin in a few seconds.

Finally, Gon says something. “I’m sorry.”

_Huh?!_

“Gon?” A myriad of questions go through Killua’s head, ‘what for?’ and ‘you made such a big deal out of _this_?’ among them, but he can’t really say anything. Killua thinks long and hard about what Gon could possibly be apologizing for, and he finds potential reasons – several, actually, but none that he thought they hadn’t put behind them.

“I just- ” Clearly, Gon is struggling way more than he’s letting on, and now that Killua doesn’t feel like eviscerating himself just to get rid of the nerves, he finds it easier to help Gon out a little.

“Gon, what are you talking about? Why are you apologizing?”

Gon sighs.

“There are a plenty of things I could apologize to you for.” His tone is solemn, unhappy. It sounds like Gon’s saying that to himself rather than to Killua, and the weight of that realization doesn’t go unnoticed.

 “I-” Killua starts, and then says nothing, because honestly, what can he say to _that?_

Gon shakes his head, his chin against Killua’s shoulders. Killua can feel him smile, but he knows it’s not a happy one. Gon rubs at his face with both his hands, and Killua can’t help but remember the times Gon would slap his own cheeks to get himself out of a slump.

“Sorry, that’s now how I intended this conversation to go.” Gon coughs, in an ‘anyway’ tone, as if he hadn’t just said and dismissed something Killua was desperately trying to address.  “I’m sorry for what I said the other day.” He finally admits.

“What?” Of course, Killua assumes that Gon’s talking about their fight, but Gon said so many things that night he’s not even sure where to begin.

Gon sighs.

“About… Saying you didn’t have a chance. That was just petty, and hurtful.” Killua almost laughs – out of all of the awful shit they had said to each other, of course Gon picks the one that was _meant_ to hurt him. Not that he really cares, anymore, it was clearly not true at this point. Gon echoes his thoughts.  “And also clearly not true, so.”

Killua giggles and rolls his eyes a little bit. Gon got hung up over the strangest things sometimes. “I mean, Gon, we both said awful stuff to each other that day.” Gon nods against his back, and Mika crosses his mind as he thinks back to the things he said himself. He considers talking about Gon’s relationship, and then keeps quiet for a few seconds before he steels himself. Frankly, it’s terrifying to bring him up at this moment – it feels like just the mention of his name will break the spell they’re both under. But Killua’s done not voicing his feelings. It’s hard, and it takes a lot of courage, but the one thing he learned from that mess when they were fifteen is that he would never take the coward’s way out – his family’s way out.

“I was way, way out of line, anyway.” It stings just a teeny, tiny bit to admit that. Perhaps more than a bit, but if this was apology time, he wouldn’t let Gon do all the apologizing; he had plenty of shit to say sorry for, too.

“Killua, it’s okay, we already-” Gon jumps in, rushing to switch the subject.

“You didn’t let me finish.” Killua says, a tone of finality telling Gon to let him talk.

After an intake of breath, Gon is quiet.

“I didn’t respect your… relationship,” Killua struggles with the word, feeling like it’s burning his tongue as it rolls off of it. Gon only nods, and at least he doesn’t say anything. They’d both been avoiding this conversation, and while Killua isn’t going to delve deep and turn the conversation into a guilt party, he does at least want to address it. Killua continues as quickly as possible, as if to bury their mutual acknowledgement. “Most of what you said was true. About me expecting you to just… you know. Start dating me and shit. It was only a matter of time before you told me to fuck off.”

There’s a steep silence in the room that puts Killua’s hair on edge, and as if it Gon’s lack of reaction weren’t bad enough, Killua can feel his heartbeat speed up against his back.

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck._

Killua thinks that this is it – the moment where Gon gets a guilty flash of consciousness, he tells Killua to fuck off permanently, and then they never talk to each other again.

All because Killua couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

_Fuck me._

But then.

But then, Gon’s arms wrap around Killua’s waist – tightly, firmly. His arms pull Killua against Gon’s chest, his breathing slightly uneven against his ears. Killua doesn’t really know what it means, only that it means good things, and then Gon almost whispers, as if he’s the only one meant to hear.

“When I said that, I wasn’t talking to you.”

Killua’s almost pissed. Gon leans in like he’s about to say _the_ most amazing thing in the world, and then he says _that?_

_Wow. Such romance, Gon._

Of course, Killua wonders why he expected any different. No amount of maturing will ever change Gon’s most basic personality, his inability to sugar coat things or read social cues included.

It takes him a few seconds to react, but Killua finally lets out a shallow “what is that supposed to mean?”

Gon, realizing his mistake, rushes to correct himself.

“I mean,” Gon doesn’t really think his answers through when he’s relaxed, and this time is no different. “obviously I was talking _to_ you, but I didn’t say it _for_ you.

_Not better, Gon._

“Like, it wasn’t really meant for you.”

_What?_

Killua almost gets up to leave until Gon organizes his thoughts in a way that isn’t immediately insulting to Killua’s feelings, until he remembers the unfortunate circumstance of their literal, physical bonding.

Gon gasps in the way that indicates that he has found the proper words.

“I said it for myself.” He finally says, his voice soft and quiet, like he’s afraid that admitting it out loud might expose him to the elements. “As a reminder – that you didn’t have a chance with me. That I had to be strict with myself.” Gon’s breath tickles Killua’s neck as he pulls him in closer. So close Killua feels like he’s going to die. Technically, he _already_ felt like he was going to die, but then Gon makes it ten times worse. “Not because of you, but because of _my_ feelings towards you. Because of how much I want you.”

_Want._

Not want _ed_.

“Oh.”

Killua covers his eyes, curling in on himself because he’s not sure how the hell he’s supposed to react. One part of him is literally jumping, his heart thumping out of his chest and he can feel his stomach flutter with every breath Gon takes. The other part? Still feels like dying.

Killua doesn’t want to make it weird so he says the first thing that pops into his head: “So you were basically telling yourself to fuck off, not me?”

Killua feels Gon shrug behind him.

“Yeah, I guess.” Gon’s tone is far too nonchalant for it to be their first legitimate conversation on their feelings.

He laughs nervously. “Woah, okay.” He takes a deep breath to calm his nerves down, but it only makes him feel lightheaded, pushing his stomach into his throat, as if he weren’t about to burst already.  

Killua’s usually a smooth operator, but today is not his day.

Obviously, Gon picks up on it.

“You okay there?” Killua can’t tell if he’s teasing him or Gon’s actually worried about the current state of his heart (which is probably going to kill him at the rate it’s going), but either way, it sobers Killua up.

“Yup!” Squeak. “Absolutely. Perfectly okay.” He can almost feel Gon radiate worry and doubt in his general direction, and Killua being stiff as a board against Gon probably isn’t helping his case, but he can’t help it. Not when he’s hyperfocusing on the weight of Gon’s hands over his hips, rubbing circles into his skin, like his hands were meant to be there. Like the two of them were meant to be there.

“Are you sure? You don’t sound…?” Gon sounds honestly worried now.

Killua almost giggles when Gon’s fingers stop moving on his skin. He’s genuinely concerned for Killua at this point, but Killua remembers why this conversation started in the first place. It takes him a few seconds, but he schools his features back into something more composed (even if his heart is still racing a mile a minute and his mouth is twitching like it _wants_ him to laugh) and gets back to the point.

“Is that all then?” Killua asks, stills struggling to keep a straight face. “You just wanted to make a point of how much you like me?”

Gon chuckles, the sound sending pleasant tingles down Killua’s spine. However, it doesn’t last long. Gon goes silent, and Killua can almost hear him think in the silence of the room. “Well,” Gon begins, and the seriousness of Gon’s tone easily puts a damper on Killua’s glee. He immediately knows that they’re shifting towards a very unpleasant exchange, and although Killua prepares himself, he’s not really sure what to except. “There’s other stuff, too,” Gon says.

_Very specific._

Of course, he doesn’t say that. If there’s anything he’s learned with his sister is that sarcasm doesn’t go well with these sorts of situations. Patience is key.

“Well, okay, I’m waiting.”

It takes Gon only a few moments to gather his thoughts, and he’s stiff as a brick while he does, putting Killua on edge. Finally, Gon speaks.

“I’m sorry for…” A short pause and inhale as Gon finally resumes tracing patterns on Killua’s hips. “For saying that you weren’t there for me when I needed it the most.” Killua immediately feels the remaining butterflies in his stomach drop and twist with guilt. Gon starts rambling, and Killua already knows it’s because of how terrified Gon is of hurting people with the carelessness of his words. “My feelings spoke for me, and just because I felt that way when we were younger doesn’t mean it’s actually true and that was-”

“Gon.” Killua interrupts. The rambling stops, and even though Killua can’t see him, he can tell that Gon’s boring holes into the back of his head. “No.”

The reaction is immediate. Gon almost shouts.

“But-!”

“No.” Killua shakes his head. “No, you’re absolutely right. I ran away.” Killua thinks back to that day, at the World Tree for the first time, his sister’s hand in his own. It would have been easy to just wait for Gon to come back down – Alluka and him had plenty of things to catch up on – and then they could have been on their merry little way. All three of them. But no, Killua made a decision, out of cowardice, out of self-preservation, he will never know, but it wasn’t something he could take back. “I ran away. I did.” He nods, mostly meant for Gon, but he knows it was for himself, too. He feels like he’s airing out shit that’s been locked for years. “I was fucking terrified. The most I’d ever been in my life.”

Gon doesn’t really say anything, just lets him speak, his hands and fingers steady and soothing as they move over Killua’s body. That’s all the confirmation he needs to keep going.

“And I…” _was a brat_ “was a child. I was only thinking of myself, and I never thought about how you were feeling after all that –” Killua remembers Kite’s face, now just a blurry outline as the years have degraded the image in his mind. He wills the remains of the memory away. “- that _crap_ had happened. And I just needed to _leave_. I just needed to leave and take a break and process what had just happened.” Regret and pain and just, pure, pure fear. Too much for him – the Zoldyck training taught him how to suppress fear, but never how to live with it. Never something so painful. “And I left you by yourself. And it wasn’t right I pulled a tantrum and I left. I just _left_. I’m sorry.” _For that and so much more._ “I’m so, so sorry.”

Gon doesn’t answer, but it doesn’t make Killua nervous at all. Gon just seems to be bathing in his words, trying to figure out how to frame his response. Killua knows that Gon has already forgiven him – they both have forgiven each other – he just hopes that Gon understands that as well.

“Killua, I didn’t mean any of that.” He starts, slowly, like he’s still figuring out the other half of what he’s trying to say. “During our fight the other night.” Killua begs to differ, he’s quite sure Gon meant most of those things, he probably just didn’t mean for them to come out as biting as they did. It might be assumption on his part, but the ugliest shit always comes up during arguments. Killua’s about to say as much, but Gon wasn’t finished. “-or during my confrontation with Pitou.”

Killua ignores the pang of hurt that rushes through him when Gon says ‘my’. There are more pressing concerns, after all.

“Gon, I know.” Killua doesn’t really know how many times it will take for Gon to understand, but he’s willing to repeat it as many times as he can. Gon would probably carry his guilt over Kite for the rest of his life – all he can do is not be an extra burden. “It’s been like five years anyway, come on. You think I haven’t forgiven you for that? Really?”

Killua tries to sound sarcastic, but the intonation just isn’t coming to him. Not right now.

Gon sighs. “No, I know you have. But I think you deserve an explanation.”

 _An explanation?_ For what?

Geez, sometimes, Killua wonders if Gon ever hears himself.

“Gon, I already have one. You think I don’t know what was going on?” Because Killua saw the light leave Gon’s eyes, felt himself shrink as Gon was slowly consumed by his own guilt after Kite’s death, hated himself for the longest time because all he could do was _watch_. He knew, he understands. Maybe not fully back then, but he does now.

“Yes, but-”

“But, _what_ , Gon?” What else is there to apologize for? What else could he have done? They were children!

Once again, silence falls upon the room, uncomfortable and alive in the way that it eats at Killua’s nerves. Killua knows that Gon hasn’t really said what he wants to – Gon’s the type to just speak his mind, to blurt shit out, to forgive and forget. Something is killing him on the inside, and Killua’s not sure he’s ready to hear it. He’s not sure Gon’s ready to say it.

Alas, he does.

“When- When I… When I killed Kite, I…”

_Oh._

Killua’s heart drops into the pit of his stomach, hard and violent, and his sight clouds over from how quickly tears begin to build up in his eyes. His whole body feels heavy, like those measly three words put a weight on him he’s not sure he can handle.

_Oh no._

_No no no._

“No.” Killua hisses violently and recoils at his own tone, because it sounds like the word is forcing itself out without his permission. He’s not having this. He’s not. “No, Gon. No. You did not kill him.” How could he even believe that? What was he _thinking_?

“Killua, that’s not the point, let me -”

_Finish? Fuck no, we are addressing this right fucking now._

“Not the point?” Killua’s screaming now. His voice is cracking all over the place, and he can barely contain his own tears, which is funny because he thinks Gon should be the one crying, not him. He viciously grips Gon’s wrists – he’s not sure if he’s trying to support himself or trying to console Gon – and keeps them locked in position because if he can’t see Gon’s face, at the very least he’s going to let him know that he’s there. Right now. Maybe he couldn’t talk him out of it when they were younger, but right now, he was going to knock some sense into him. “What? You just said that you- that you _killed_ Kite and you’re telling me to move the fuck on?”

_Fuck that!_

Gon sounds almost annoyed by his reaction. Like this is an undisputable fact and Killua arguing is just him derailing. “Yes! What else would you do?”

If Killua could turn around, he would punch Gon square in the fucking face. The last thing Kite would have wanted-

 Killua takes a deep breath. “I would fucking force you to take it back because clearly you believe it!”

Again, Gon sighs in exasperation. “Well, I _did_ kill-”

Killua doesn’t even give him the chance to finish.

“No! No, you fucking didn’t!” Killua’s not sure what else to say. The only weapon he has in the face of Gon’s guilt is deep, vehement denial, but that has proven to fail him millions of times. He hopes that the loudness and the passion of his argument is strong enough to convince him, because otherwise, the only thing he can do is hold Gon’s hands as his spirit goes to waste. His heart aches as he realizes how blasé Gon sounds to all of this – he has assimilated this so deeply and surely that Gon considers himself a murderer.

A murderer. If the situation didn’t upset him to the core, he would laugh.

“It’s my fault he’s dead! Gon screams back, now a little bit more desperate. Like he’s trying to prove a point, like dozens of people have told him otherwise, rejected his guilt, his sadness, and he’s tired of it.

As he makes sure to not let go of Gon’s hands, Killua wonders how tired Gon must be of feeling like a failure. How tired he must be of all of this. Killua prepares himself. He will talk it out of Gon if it’s the last damn thing he’ll do, no matter how long it takes.

“He died by himself.” Killua shoots back at Gon, as calmly as he possibly can (which isn’t very, considering how much he actually wants to grab Gon’s face and either hit him or kiss him until his dumb thoughts go away). Gon’s not taking it however. It looks like he’s been amped for this argument for ages – he obviously knows how other people feel about it.

“Trying to protect me!”

_Of course._

“No!” Killua starts, remembering Pitou, and remembering how absurdly overpowering she was. The fear he felt when her aura hit them, he hadn’t felt that from anyone else – not even his father or his bother. The three of them were going to die. Of course, rationalizing doesn’t make the memory any less painful. If he had been stronger…

 He takes a deep breath, “He tried to ward off an enemy that would have killed all three of us regardless! You being there made no difference!”

No, in fact, Kite being there made all the difference for _them_.

Gon shakes his head behind him, and Killua can feel Gon tighten his fingers almost painfully around his hips. There’s a distinct sound of teeth grinding against each other before Gon starts talking again.

“He would have had a better chance if I hadn’t distracted him with my stupid need for -”

“A better chance for what?” Because really, the only chance he would have gotten was a chance at a slower death. “To survive for ten more seconds before he died?” To be played with before Pitou got bored, to be at full capacity, and still die? “Pitou killed him, Gon.” Pitou did it. “Not you.”

_Not us._

“Same difference.”

_Oh, for the love of-_

“If that’s your reasoning then we’re both equally responsible.”

At that, Gon balks. Killua almost feels the surge of emotion, the way Gon utterly panics because _Of course._ Gon, when it came to Kite, had always separated Killua from the issue. It wasn’t his business, it wasn’t his friend, it wasn’t his fucking fight. “No. No. You’re not. No, Killua, I-”

Gon’s utter denial both saddens and pisses Killua off. He’s tired of being treated like collateral damage, when he was right there in the thick of it, fighting just as hard as Gon, trying just as much.

“Yes, Gon! If I hadn’t been so weak-!” Killua thinks a lot of things would have gone differently. If he hadn’t overestimated his strength, or Gon’s strength, if he had listened to Kite’s warnings, if he had just run away sooner, if, if, if. Killua’s sure he won’t ever regret things as much as Gon does, but his nightmares won’t ever let him forget _his_ mistakes.

“No!” Gon shout-whispers into his ear. Killua turns his head around, ready to give him a piece of his mind, because he can only take so much of Gon’s pity party. However, Gon squeezes Killua’s wrists before he can, as if to signify him to stop (not that Killua’s ever been one to listen), until Killua notices that Gon is trying to calm himself down. Trying to gather his thoughts, and-

And trying so, so hard.

So, _so_ hard.

To not cry.

Killua doesn’t have to see him. He’s learned to recognize Gon’s pain by now – the shaking, the uncontrollable anger, the way his aura shifts a little and becomes a little darker, a stark reminder of what has been and could be again – but this is the first time he’s ever seen Gon try to hold his own tears. Killua wants to tell him that’s okay to cry over it, to cry all he needs, but he also wants to fight him and tell him that he doesn’t have to suffer alone, that he’s there, that he was there then and that he _is_ there right now.

And he will be.

Killua sighs, wondering what he could possibly do to comfort Gon, but Gon interrupts him after harshly breathing enough times to control his crying.

“This isn’t what we’re talking about anyway, just let me finish.”

His first reaction is one of blind anger. They need to talk about this. They needed to talk about this five years ago, and postponing it anymore is just going to make everything more painful for the both of them. He wants to scream at Gon, he wants to _physically fight Gon_ , and _beat it into his head_ that they fucking need to talk about it, like fucking adults. However, anger had gotten him nowhere last time and he wasn’t going to make that same mistake again, not when so much was at stake.

Killua takes another deep breath, perhaps for the hundredth time that day.  “Gon, this is important.”

Immediately, Gon tenses. “Please, just. Just, not right now.” While he wasn’t trembling anymore, he sounded so incredibly vulnerable and _small_ , like a push in any direction will just send him toppling over, crushed by the weight of his own feelings.

Killua weighed the outcomes of forcing Gon to talk about it, and finally let out a not-so-pleased “Okay”.

The way Gon relaxes so quickly almost makes him feel guilty for pushing at all. Almost.

Gon thanks him.

“Anyway,” He starts again, any previous sadness completely gone from his voice. “When Kite…” Gon seems to struggle as he looks for a word that won’t set Killua off again. “When Kite _happened,_ I- I took it out on you, Killua.” Now, Gon’s hands have gone to their previous positions, drawing patterns onto his hips and thighs, and a patient silence settles in the room as Gon thinks through his apology. Killua makes sure to return the gesture, perhaps not on his hips – he can’t really reach them – but his fingers imprint circles on Gon’s arms, a quiet presence reminding Gon that he’s there. “I kind of thought that you would always be there for me, and I wasn’t really thinking about any of the things I was saying and I thought – With Pitou, I just couldn’t understand _why_ you were defending her and-”

Killua doesn’t let Gon finish. “I wasn’t defending her!” He screams, because he _wasn’t_ , he would have _never_. “I just wanted you to take a step back and realize-”

“I know!” Gon interrupts, immediately shutting Killua up. “I know that _now_. Just, not back then.” Then, Gon gets to the heart of it. His voice tightens up and loosens up in weird places, sometimes sounding like it’s about to crack and Gon with it, and other times, he sounds angry. At himself. At his past self. At Killua. “And I thought you didn’t care about Kite because that was always _you_ , that’s how you always were. You – calm and composed and with everything rolling right off your back.”  

Killua’s taken aback by Gon’s words. Him? Calm and composed? Killua liked to pretend he was, but he always got overwhelmed by emotion too easily, he was always stronger than others but came up short when it was needed the most – he could only be those things when nothing major would be lost, when he knew everyone and everything would come out unscathed. Gon’s not done however, his voice wavering more and more with each word he speaks.

“You were always so _strong,_ and independent, and you could do anything by yourself – I was always the weaker one, the one that needed to be trained, the one that couldn’t control himself. I wasn’t prepared to deal with the chimera ants. I wasn’t ready for war.” His words echo Killua’s feelings, but while Killua is filled with a sort of pride – he _is_ strong and resilient, and independent, and a lot of good things – he is also filled with sadness as he realizes that Gon considers his lack of those qualities his own failings. Gon pauses once again to sort through his thoughts, and Killua wants to say that it’s enough, that he doesn’t need any more explanations. He understands, he gets it, what else could he say? There was nothing left to apologize for.

Gon disagrees, apparently, as he delivers the final piece of his apology, rushed and breathless, as if the words are ripping themselves out of his throat.

“I got so used to thinking you were so indestructible. Like an impenetrable wall – I never thought I could hurt you like that, and I didn’t know if I could make it up to you! I felt useless and worthless because I hurt you, because I was unable to protect Palm, because, because _Kite_ –”

Then, after a minute wave of relief, Killua can just about hear his own heart shatter into a million pieces as he feels wetness on the nape of his neck, continuous and never stopping. His own feelings overflow as he feels Gon unravel before him, his lips against the back of Killua’s neck, and Killua chooses to ignore the way they tremble as he heaves his breaths in between every word he speaks.

“I thought I could save him, and it was just one big, stupid delusion, and I failed everyone. Everyone. And I was so hurt that I took it out on you, and I’m sorry.” Gon finishes.

Killua knows that Gon is breaking down – this little speech, is Gon finally revealing the full, unadulterated truth that was the size of his self-hatred, and the weight of that doesn’t go unnoticed by Killua. All he can do is admit his own feelings, and reveal his own truths to Gon, because while there is nothing in the world that can fix the past, Killua will do his best to help heal the present, and the future.

Killua bares it all, not leaving a word unspoken, pushing himself to let Gon know how he felt, how he _feels._

“I’m not as strong as you think I am, you know?” At that, Gon doesn’t stop crying, but he seems less consumed with his own sadness, now fully focusing on Killua’s voice. “It was easy to be strong and carefree and in control when I had nothing to fear. After all, what could scare me when I lived with some of the most dangerous people in the world?” Killua chuckles at himself – sometimes he wishes he could go back to simpler times, when his family was the only thing that could strike any sort of long-lasting fear in his heart. “But-” Killua doesn’t really know where to go from there. He has so many things to say, so many things to talk about, and they’re all piling on top of each other for a chance to spill out of his mouth, like dam that has been slowly overflowing over the course of years.

Killua coughs, starts over, Gon’s fingers back to his soothing patterns, now aided by the tears that still fall from his eyes, asking Killua to continue.

“Kite was my friend, too.” Killua begins anew – figures it’s a good point to start. “He meant a lot to me, too, Gon. I didn’t have the history that you had with him but, I think ultimately, he was a guide to me. A _friend_.” Someone he could look up to, that took the time to teach him, not always gentle but always looking out for them. Someone who doesn’t cross his mind as much as he used to, but whom he still misses every time he does. “And I-” and then Killua himself chokes up, once again feeling the buildup in his eyes, because this was it – the real reason he ran away, the things he feels whenever he thinks back to the moment, the regret he feels for his own actions. This was it, and it fucking hurts like he’s still twelve, like he’s still grasping onto his baby sister with a vice-grip and begging her to get him somewhere where he can remember how to breathe. How to live without carrying fear in the back of his head at every waking moment.

Killua wills the tears away, calming himself down by counting ten circles that Gon’s thumb has made.

“I’m used to seeing death, Gon.” He starts, terrified of saying the next words. “In my heart, when we left Kite, I knew he was gone. I knew it from the moment we left him by himself with Pitou.” Killua doesn’t know how Gon reacts to that – he’s not sure he wants to know. Killua was so afraid of admitting that out loud, always in the back of his head whenever he replayed all of the memories of Gon moving forward in his quest to save Kite, of himself supporting Gon in their stupid mission.  Gon doesn’t react, instead he nods, urging Killua to finish.

Killua lets out a hefty sight before continuing, running his hands through his hair.

“When I saw you so hopeful, I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I- I didn’t know how. I chose to put faith in you, and believe that you knew he was there. I chose to not see the bad side for once, I chose to go against what my family had taught me, and it bit us both in the ass.”

And how it did. Killua’s never been one to dwell on the ifs a situation – he liked living in the present, not dwelling on the past, but _this,_ this was the one thing he constantly regretted. He would give up a lot to be able to redo those months, but he has the creeping fear that nothing would have changed the outcome – they were after all, both children at the time.

“I thought you would survive it intact, I thought we both would – Hell, the training my family gave me was supposed to prepare me for everything. I thought it had, but and as much as I liked to pretend that I was the epitome of strength, I was still a child. I broke down, too. And when I saw Kite, and I knew for sure that he was… gone. And I saw you,” Vulnerable and full of hope and light, and happiness, one Killua was so unwilling to let go of. “-still so stalwart in your belief that he was alive, I was too weak to say it to you. Mostly because it would make it real.” Taking lives came easy but losing them? That was a whole new story.

Killua wasn’t used to losing lives – loved ones. He wasn’t used to having loved ones at all for the longest time, but… He just hopes he never has to get used to their deaths.

Gon listens attentively, waiting for him to finish his own side of the story, and Killua readily indulges him. He’d rather push away his grim thoughts, anyway.

“I was shocked by Kite’s death. Obviously. But if anything, it just made it… _real_ that someone so much stronger than us had died.” Killua believes that him and Gon hadn’t really been able to measure how much stronger than them Kite was. And if he had died… What made him so sure that anyone would survive? That _Gon_ would?

_That Gon would?_

“It presented the possibility that you could die, too.” He says, his chest hollow as the words leave his mouth. And with the terrifying, all-consuming fear of that possibility, came the desire to run the fuck away. “And that, was one thought that scared me shitless, Gon. Beyond shitless.”

Gon doesn’t say anything for the longest time, considering all of the things that Killua had said. With an air of realization, and then of sadness, perhaps because he felt guilty for being responsible for making Killua feel that way, he somberly notes that he almost did.

“You almost did what?” Killua asks, now confused.

“Die.” Gon whispers the word, like he doesn’t want it to be real.

Killua sighs as he thinks of the difference that an ‘almost’ would have made that day. An almost would have saved him the pain, the tears, the sadness and the fear, the desire to die and bury himself alive, hoping that he would suffocate under the earth or perhaps the residue of Gon’s attack would do that before the dirt could. An almost would have made a world of difference – an almost would have made all of his suffering worth it.

If only it had been an almost.

“Actually.” Killua says, barely above a whisper. He hadn’t told this to anyone – hadn’t dared, not even to Alluka – out of fear that it would get out to Gon. Now, Gon would hear it himself. “You did. You did die.”

Gon tenses, confused. “I guess, spiritually, I did.” He finally compromises.

Killua barely contains a snort. Ignorance _is_ bliss.

Killua thinks about hiding the truth from Gon – he had kept those darkest minutes of his life under tight lock, and he figured nobody but himself needed to know about those moments. He thought however, that Gon deserved to know the full truth, especially when Killua had promised himself that he would tell him everything, and so Killua pushes himself one more time.

“I mean, there’s that, too. But, physically.” He finally says.

“Wait, what?” Gon sounds thoroughly perplexed now. And of course he would, all he remembers is Pitou and then waking up in a hospital, a few flashes of the events in the forest here and there, but that was it. Killua had wanted to keep it that way, too. Why force Gon to remember that, how he was feeling then, how much he was hurting?

“Gon, when I saw you standing there-” Killua breathes in, remembering that monstrosity shaped by anger – someone who had aged twenty years physically but had aged a hundred on the inside, had _died_ on the inside, had shrunk and become anger itself. “I didn’t recognize you. At all. It took me a second, and when you looked at me-” The last light in his eyes fading quickly as he lifted his arm back, final punch at the ready, “I knew that was it for you.”

Killua sighs, acknowledging that he’s going to have to bring _that_ up. Of course, all he can do to prepare is laugh the most miserable minutes of his life off with a ‘Like I said: I am, after all, the best at recognizing who is about to die. Comes with the family trade.’ And at this point, all he _can_ do is laugh it off, he’s relived it in his mind so many times that he’s all cried out.

At the very least, Killua gets a chuckle out of Gon with that. It feels like the first one in years, but Gon catches on – he knows he’s not done, and so he presses.

“But?” Gon asks.

And suddenly, it’s like he’s right there, in the middle of the forest, the dome formed by Gon’s Jajanken and the dead soil still horrifically fresh in his mind. He can still remember the feeling of his throat going raw and giving out on him as he screamed Gon’s name so many times he lost count, struggling to find his heart because he couldn’t even tell the difference between his heartbeat and his dying aura – until he realized that oh, there _is_ no heartbeat. And then the world ended for ten seconds.

“Seven.” Killua finally says, and the amount of courage that goes behind the single word is only understood by him.

“Huh?” Gon asks, stupidly.

Killua braces himself – there _is_ something quite painful about giving words to something that had belonged only to him.

“The amount of times I had to shock your heart before you started breathing again.”

Killua’s voice breaks somewhere along the sentence, and now, he’s fighting his tears again and losing the battle terribly.

Gon breathes in painfully sharp.

“Oh.”

Oh is right, Killua thinks.

“No one told me about that.”

“Because I didn’t tell anyone.”

“Oh.” Gon repeats.

“And in the hospital, Gon,” Killua continues, now freely and shamelessly crying, hiccupping so loud as he does that Gon scrambles to pull him closer, and Killua can’t help but think that it’s a bit gross that their tears are combining (and finds it a bit funny that he did have some tears left to shed), but it doesn’t matter because he’s all ache and all he wants is for the image of Gon’s tiny, _dying_ fucking hand to disappear from his mind completely. He wants it fucking gone and he can handle being electrocuted and tortured and beaten but he can’t handle his own stupid memory of Gon’s _hand_ , and, “you don’t know what you looked like. I know I said this already but, you just don’t – You don’t understand. Your hand, your wrist, it was so tiny I could circle around it and have space left over. Your skin was sticking to your bones,” clinging to it, as if the curse were sucking up the last remaining bits of life Gon had in him, his bones pushing out and shaping the charred skin on his body and breathing through so much machinery that his life was basically artificial.

Every time he thinks about, it’s like the very day it happened: he could feel his stomach hollowing out and could feel the bile in his throat, the weakness in his knees and the heat in his eyes. “I couldn’t see your face; I couldn’t bring myself to.”

Gon listens, embracing Killua almost violently, conveying some sort of apology for putting Killua through that and offering a consolation that it was over.

“I couldn’t…” Killua repeats.

“And after that,” Killua continues, remembering the day immediately after Gon woke up, and the five seconds of happiness before everything was screwed up, “I was so relieved. I was so, so happy. And so were you, and we had talked, and forgiven each other, and we were _stupid_ teenagers and we had sex – and that very same night, when you were touching me and I was touching you, and I held your hand, all I could see was you, on the hospital bed, dying,” draining him of any happiness he had felt for Gon’s touch.

“I was just. Terrified. I couldn’t do it again. I found Alluka and I grasped on to her, and I missed her so I just wanted to travel with her, too. And you had your dad, so I ran.” Killua explains, “I ran as far away as I could. I needed to just... Process all that. And breathe again.” He needed to travel, to do anything while what happened with the Chimera Ants settled and healed over with time, like any wound should. “I needed a distraction because that was just too much, Gon. All of it, it was way too much.”

Finally, Killua breathes in, wiping his tears away and curling his hands into Gon’s. Gon still can’t see his face, but he knows that Gon will understand what he means, all of the weight his words carry. This time he would, because there was nothing left unsaid.

“I’m sorry.” Killua apologizes again, feeling clearer and lighter than he has in years – like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. Like he can breathe a little bit easier now.

Gon kisses the nape of Killua’s neck, playing with his hair and eyebrows (something Killua recently discovered Gon likes to do when satisfied) before apologizing himself.

“I’m sorry, too. I called you selfish and I didn’t know what you had gone through and I just assumed,”

Killua almost has to laugh; assumptions seemed to be their downfall.

_Good thing we’re both working on them._

Killua smiles, although the sadness from their conversation lingers in the back of his head.

“We both did. We both fucked up. Majorly, but we’re older now, and better, and I’m just glad we talked about this.” Killua says.

Gon nods into Killua’s nape, a short ‘yeah’ leaving his lips as he does.

“Yeah.” Killua responds.

And that was that.

The mood in the room lightens considerably – Killua’s eager to leave the grimness of the topic behind, and he suspects that Gon is no more willing to reengage than he is. Now, they’re comfortable with each other, a new level of trust breached, and while Killua’s still a little bit upset from all of that (and a little bit drowsy from all the crying), he wants to keep talking – he doesn’t want the night to end on such an awful note.

“You know,” Gon pipes up, still playing with Killua’s hair. “I was so sad when it happened. When you left, I mean, because I thought you were just fed up with my shit, basically.” Killua panics, not ready to jump straight back into that conversation again, but the last part is said so playfully that he knows Gon isn’t serious.

He rolls his eyes yet _again_ that day.

“Oh, Gon, don’t you know that I _thrive_ on adventure?” He says, stating the obvious, just in case Gon was half-serious.

“It was kind of the reason I started dating Mika, actually.” Gon says, and Killua fucking groans (internally, this time), because they can’t seem to shake the unpleasant topics off. Killua wonders where Gon’s trying to go, but he also just wants to cuddle and do small talk. This was too much for how tired he was.

Nevertheless, he prompts Gon to keep going with a ‘yeah?’, because they might as well get _that_ hurdle out of the way.

“I just, really wanted to feel like I wasn’t weak. You know?” Killua nods, of course he understands. “And without my nen, it was pretty much impossible. So, after I got it back and I started doing my missions, and I met him, he just made me feel strong again. Like someone needed me. It was nice.”

Killua can’t say that his efforts to travel with Alluka were that different. Of course, there was other stuff, too, but… “Alluka was a bit like that for me, too.” Killua admits, to Gon, but to himself as well.

“Yeah.”

With that, they don’t speak for a while. Killua is just content to enjoy Gon’s presence now that there’s no crying involved, and Gon seems to be relishing in his just as much. They kiss a little here and there (while twisting themselves uncomfortably to reach each other), change positions after Killua complains about a sore neck, but ultimately, they go back to talking about Mika after some time.

Gon breaks the silence. “Want to know something?”

“Always.” Killua replies, even though he’s drowsy and not particularly interested in maintaining a conversation.

“The reason Mika left was because I don’t want to mark him.”

That wakes him up quite quickly. Killua just barely remembers that he’s no supposed to know that information (a ‘yeah, I know’ was at the tip of his tongue), and he tries to act as surprised as he can manage.

“Hmm…Why?” It sound fake, even to him.

_Oh, well. There goes my cover._

Gon doesn’t really acknowledge it however, and instead answers Killua’s question.

“I don’t know. It doesn’t… feel right.” He says, like that explains anything at all and isn’t just a vague term to describe Gon’s uneasiness to mate for life with someone. Killua says as much and Gon laughs, a ‘guilty as charged’ leaving his mouth before he elaborates. “I thought I could relive that, with him. You know. Just us. And fighting, and being together again and like it was just the two of us against the world. I wanted to feel that for him.”

_Wanted to._

“Didn’t work out?” Killua asks, trying to sound as disinterested as possible, because he’s just had his heart broken a million times with that previous conversation, and not knowing where this one is going, he’s not willing to have it broken again.

“Well, sometimes. I mean, he’s great, and he makes me happy.” Killua rolls his eyes. He would be really angry if he hadn’t realized that Gon is trying to get to something and he’s making Killua work for it. If it weren’t for how endearing it is, Killua would be beyond annoyed.

He plays Gon’s little game.

“But…?”

Gon smiles. Ah, Killua pushed hard enough. “Well, let’s just say that when I approached him, it’s because he reminded me of you.”

And at that, Killua has no fucking idea what to say, except for an intelligent and shocked ‘Oh’.

He sits there, sitting for a while and processing what Gon just told him (because it was quite the bit of information to receive), rolling it around in his head, thinking how that is the weirdest and most indirect compliment he has ever received from Gon. He’s not entirely sure what to make of it, and he’s also not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but he comments on the least threatening aspect as he plays with the rest of it in his head.

“You used to be so much more straightforward, damn.” Killua says, laughing lightly as Gon nuzzles the back of his neck.

“Eh, I’ve evolved. It’s straightforward if you’re smart enough.” Gon says, after a short moment of deliberation.

Killua almost blushes at the second indirect compliment, and he curses his face for still blushing at Gon’s flirting, five years later. “I see you’re just throwing indirect compliments at me tonight.” He manages after he’s gotten the redness of his face (somewhat) under control.

“Well…” Gon sighs, a smile plastered on his lips “Yeah. I take pleasure in the fact that even though I can’t see you, I know for _sure_ that your face is probably burning right now.”

Gon sounds way too proud of that for Killua to not have a comeback ready for him, because no matter how many years passed, they _still_ competed over the stupidest shit imaginable.

“Oh, fuck you, Gon.” Killua says, failing to come up with a more reasonable and well-read insult (he’s still fucking tired).

Gon grins from ear to ear, almost arrogantly caressing Killua’s thighs, like he’s ready to deliver the line of the fucking century. “Oh, but you already did.”

Killua groans while Gon laughs his ass off.

“Hah-hah,” Killua says, not-amused at all, he tells himself, but a tiny smile is pushing at the corner of his mouth). “-very funny. I see you’ve learned a lesson or two in being an idiot.”

Not that Gon needed any lessons in _that._

Gon however, isn’t done attacking Killua’s dignity. “From the master himself.”

_Oh, that’s it._

“Just wait, Gon. I’ll kick your ass.” And he perfectly intends to – Gon owed him another sparring session anyway, he still had to even out their stupid score. He’d be more than willing to spar again – Gon deserved an ass-kicking for being such a dick.

“Uh, you’d have to sever my dick for that and I don’t think I’d appreciate that.”

 “Wait.” Killua says stupidly, processing Gon’s words, and it suddenly hits him – the mortifying realization that they were still knotted together, and they had just done all of that with Gon’s knot inside his asshole. “We just… had an entire conversation with your dick in my ass.”

“Yup.” Gon says nonchalantly, sounding far too pleased and okay with the ridiculous predicament they’re in for it to be normal.

Killua emphasizes his point, making sure that Gon really, truly understands what just happened, “Like, a heartfelt, meaningful conversation. Where we both cried and shit.”

“Yup.” Gon says again, nonchalantly as ever.

Gon does not give a fuck. Killua doesn’t know if he should be surprised or not.

“Of course you wouldn’t see anything wrong with this picture. You freak.”

“Hey, they don’t call me Freaky Freecss for nothing.”

Killua feels an immediate second-hand embarrassment for whoever thought that stupid nickname up. He has the creeping suspicion that it was probably Alluka in one of her long-winded conversations with Gon, but chooses to ignore his sister’s penchant to come up with the most awful of nicknames in favor of attacking Gon just for saying it.

“Gon, that’s so embarrassing. That’s so bad.” Killua says, because even if it was his baby sister that came up with it, that is still awful and the fact that Gon deigned to repeat it is just as bad. Gon laughs, wiggling his butt a little as if to remind Killua of how very much connected they very much still are.

“Why do I feel like I only do the really stupid shit around you?” Killua asks between laughs.

“It’s called having fun. Live it a little.”

Killua has nothing to say to that, except for a light jab in the side.

Later on in the night, when the two of them have been released from the evil two-hour knot and have instead chosen to cuddle up against each other, silence engulfs the room. It’s the pleasant, comfortable kind, where both parties are just enjoying each other without the disturbance of noise.

However, as the night goes on, and Gon cycles in and out of sleep, sometimes nightmares, sometimes pleasant dreams, Killua breaks the silence.

“Gon?”

“Yeah?” Gon asks, exhausted, but more than willing to listen to whatever Killua has to say, even if it is four in the morning.

After some thought, Killua holds Gon’s hands in his own, and with a soft kiss on the lips, he whispers into Gon’s back.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

Killua hopes that if his words can’t do it, perhaps his touch can. He knows that one conversation won’t really assuage Gon’s guilt. He knows that, in the grand scheme of things, his words don’t mean all that much – it all comes down to Gon forgiving himself. But he hopes that, little by little, with his help, Gon will forgive.

Killua then moves up and presses another kiss to Gon’s temple, and the last thing he hears for the rest of the night is Gon’s soft hiccups as he tries not to cry. Killua simply rubs his back and shoulders, not daring to say anything – words aren’t necessary.

Come the morning, once Gon had finished crying and they had spent several hours going in and out of sleep, Gon replies, just as softly and just as gently, and just a little bit more mended than he was a few hours ago.

“Thank you.”

Killua smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! I am really, truly, sorry for this delay! School has been kicking my ass and I've been dealing with a minor clinical depression (who knew? Being away from home and pets for four months at a time is actually really hard! haha //sigh the joys of studying abroad) and I've got my hands full with both of those things. I made this chapter extra, extra long to make up for it (10K words WOOOH) so I hope you can forgive me.
> 
> I can't promise that the next chapter will be out anytime before the semester ends (I've got like 5 papers due this month so...), but the semester is ending soon! So once again, I'm sorry for the delay but here it is, chapter 17!!
> 
> ALSO!! IMPORTANT! If you guys would like to support me I currently have both Fanart commisions and FANFIC COMMISSIONS OPEN for anyone who is interested. The prices are super low and I am willing to negotiate on some of the stuff! So if anyone wants to make my dad's paycheck suffer less from my college tuition HERE IS WHERE YOU CAN GO: http://phospenumbra.tumblr.com/post/138976716541/hi-guys-so-paying-for-college-is-being-super-hard !!!  
> PLS AND THANK YOU <3
> 
> ENJOY!
> 
> Also thank you so much to the people who sent me kind messages supporting me while I was delayed so much <3 You guys inspired me so much and are literally about 70% of the reason I pushed myself to write 5k words tonight and finish up this chapter. You guys are wonderful <3
> 
> FINALLY I'M SORRY FOR TYPOS BUT IT'S 4 AM AND I AM A BETALESS WRITER AND I AM TIRED PLS EXCUSE ANY MISTAKES <333333


	18. Chapter 18

It’s the last day of his heat.

It’s four in the afternoon, and Killua is lounging around in the room naked, waiting for Gon’s shift to be over. The effect of his heat has been slowing down for a few days now, and while the desperation hits him hard when it does happen, it’s been about seven hours since Gon left and Killua hasn’t felt the need to be fucked.

Yet.

There’s a knock on the door.

Killua grins as Gon walks into the room, eyebrows furrowed in mock-disappointment.

“What, no show today?” Gon asks before letting himself drop on the bed next to Killua. Killua rolls his eyes at Gon’s question, but still closes the distance between them, making sure their hands are loosely held together.

“Only when I’m feeling it.” Killua finally answers. Gon laughs a little bit.

“I guess your heat really _is_ over if you’re not.”

Killua wants to frown. He doesn’t.

Of course, he’s conscious of what his heat being over means. They both are. Killua doesn’t really want to think about it, and he’s sure Gon doesn’t either, but the idea has slowly been gaining momentum inside his mind, and now it’s there all the time – eating at him every time they have sex, or cuddle, or talk, or do anything, really.

They haven’t talked about Mika at all.

Although Killua thinks that’s only fair after the soul-crushing conversation they had just a couple of nights before, they can only pretend for so long. He can see it in Gon’s eyes sometimes, brief acknowledgment, and then just as quick, a dismissal. Killua is sure it’s reflected in his own, as they both push it back, ignoring the presence of the tiny omega in their minds.

In fact, they haven’t really talked about anything at all important since that night. Killua is enjoying himself far too much, spending hours upon hours cuddling in bed, reminiscing, cracking jokes, having a pillow fight (or twelve), and he doesn’t want to face reality.

Not ever, really, but certainly not then.

He’ll face Mika tomorrow.

He’ll face everything tomorrow.

Gon has taken a liking to mindlessly massaging his skin when they’re cuddling, and this time is no different. Killua lets himself smile and be distracted by the comfort of Gon’s hands – all previous thoughts of Mika gone. And as if on cue, his own body starts distracting him with the sweet pull of heat, and Killua already feels his mind go hazy as Gon’s touches turn from pleasantly calming to something that sends sparks down his spine.

Gon’s hands stop, and Killua knows now that he’s noticed. They’re both half-hard already.

It must be the scent of his slick.

“Good thing you weren’t in the mood, huh?” Gon says, his joking tone betrayed by the deep arousal clear in his voice, and the way Killua feels Gon’s pants tighten next to him.

Gon grabs him by the wrists and flips him over, making sure to hover over Killua as if to let him know how much bigger than him he really is. The alpha scent is everywhere, and Gon’s pupils are blown so wide he can barely see the golden color in them. Killua’s breath hitches at the sight –  it doesn’t take long before he’s completely erect, losing patience by the second.

“Well, I _am_ still technically in heat.” Killua says, lifting his leg to feel Gon’s cock over his pants, practically urging him to get naked and hurry the _fuck_ up. Gon obliges him, making a show of taking off his shirt, unbuckling his belt (Killua squirms with anticipation), and taking his pants off.

Finally, he’s naked, smirking down at Killua like they have all the time in the world.

Killua wonders how he even has that much self-control left intact.

“Gon.”  Killua says, tone biting as he finally feels his patience completely run out.

“Killua.” Gon replies, unmoving and nonchalant.

Killua groans in exasperation, pulling Gon down to his eye level, making sure their eyes are locked, letting Gon know how much he wants him. No, _needs_ him.

 Gon simply stares back.

“Stop fucking around.” Killua hopes it doesn’t come out like he’s begging, but he’s almost a hundred per cent sure it did. His hole is screaming at him to get fucked, and his dick is already hurting – Gon has never teased him this much before, and he can’t say he appreciates it.

Gon finally speaks, his voice still sounding passively unaffected despite the fact that Killua can smell his arousal from a mile away. “I thought that was exactly what we were trying-“

Killua’s had enough.

“Gon.”

That shuts him up quite nicely, and to Killua’s satisfaction, Gon finally starts to move, but he does anything but hurry. He takes his sweet time – he slowly draws his fingertips down Killua’s ribs, noticeably struggling to keep his control whenever Killua’s back arches off the bed. Gon tugs at his nipples as he lowers his head to kiss him, but it’s nothing like it ever has been before. It’s tender and unhurried, and Killua is overwhelmed by the way Gon’s hands quickly move down to his thighs, tickling them in a deliberate motion until his hands are resting right under his balls.

It’s all about subtle, feather-light movements. Gon is still kissing him, and Killua is delirious with need as Gon massages his balls, moving up to pump his cock two or three times before he’s back to the teasing. Killua knows he’s a moaning mess, literally falling apart under Gon’s touch, but he can’t quite bring himself to care. It’s only when Gon’s fingers circle his entrance that Killua’s fed up again.

He’s still breathing hard, the effect of Gon’s attention still coiling in his belly, but he needs to be knotted. He doesn’t think he’s ever needed it quite as much as he does in that very moment, and he gives Gon the most heated stare he can manage with the current state of his mind. Gon only smiles, after which Killua takes a quick glance at his cock in an attempt to entice him, but then, he’s confused.

Gon wants it, too. In fact, his cock is already leaking and Killua can already see the base flare in the beginning of a knot. Gon looks like he wants it so much that it’s taking every drop of restraint he has in his blood to not slam Killua against the wall and fuck him blind.

Killua’s more preoccupied with the why rather than the what of Gon’s actions now.

He asks as much. “Why are you-?” Killua starts, but he doesn’t finish, knowing that Gon will understand.

The question hangs in the air, stifling in its self-doubt.

Before long, Gon takes a deep breath, one Killua has learned to recognize – he’s heard it many times before Gon admits something that is going to be painful for the both of them, but mostly for him.

_Oh god, no._

Killua thinks that this is it, this is the moment it all falls apart – they couldn’t wait until tomorrow. No, instead, right in the middle of them fucking, Gon will bring up the last subject he wants to think about, and he’s going to be left desperate and needy and-

“Just let me enjoy this. Please.” Gon finally says.

Killua doesn’t even process Gon’s response properly. Instead, he lets out a confused “What?”, and gives Gon an equally confused stare.

“It’s the last day.”

_Oh._

Then, Killua feels silly for trying to rush.

After that, he doesn’t try to push Gon at all.

Gon, now with permission, slows down and really lets himself enjoy KIllua. He brings his fingers back to Killua’s thighs, tickling him, moving up until Killua stops giggling and starts moaning, and then abruptly sticks one of his fingers inside.

Killua yelps. He can’t really help himself – the sensation feels good, but his brain is helpfully telling him that there are things that actually feel much, _much_ better, and after Gon starts fucking him with a second finger, he struggles to keep his desperation in check.

 “I don’t need-” Killua starts, breathing hard, only to be interrupted by Gon.

“This isn’t prep.” Gon says, like he can fucking read minds. There’s a smile on his face that lets Killua know that whatever it is that he’s doing, Gon is enjoying watching Killua squirm. “It’s _fun_.”

“For me? Or for you?” Killua replies, honestly. His thoughts of letting Gon fuck him slowly disappearing very quickly as something begins to tighten in his belly, white-hot and ready to snap at any second. Then, Gon hits the right spot, and Killua throws his head back, eyes closed, barely containing a scream.

Gon apparently, still doesn’t know how to lose a fucking fight.

“For you, if your face is anything to go by.”

If it weren’t for the fact that Gon was _still_ driving him crazy with his fingers, Killua would have punched him. Gon is still over him, a light smirk on his face as he literally watches him react. Killua doesn’t want to think about the potential reasons why – mostly because he already knows what Gon’s doing – but he likes to pretend that he doesn’t understand that Gon’s simply committing the image to memory. Making sure to at least have _that._ Gon immediately picks up on KIllua’s souring mood as his reactions lessen, and he brings back the conversation to where Killua can completely forget about the next day.

“You know what my favorite part of fucking you is?”

Killua feels a jolt of pleasure down his spine as Gon leans down to whisper in his hear, and he can barely manage a helpless “what?” as he arches off the bed when Gon hits his prostate again.

“Watching you come.” Gon admits, right before dragging his tongue down Killua’s the side of Killua’s neck.

“Fuck, Gon-!”

Killua’s breath hitches in his throat and his eyes flutter closed as he tilts his head to the side to grant Gon easy access – it’s all Killua can do as Gon’s fingers come back up to play with his nipples, the pleasure in his ass now turning into need as he’s once again reminded that Gon hasn’t knotted him in several hours.

Gon however, still has no plans of speeding up.

He continues to tease Killua, fingers playing with him long enough for him to spread his legs wider, but never staying put. All throughout Gon’s torture, he continues whispering into Killua’s ears mercilessly.

“I love watching you fall apart.” He says – stroke down his ribs forcing a shudder out of Killua. “As you grab the sheets -” Gon grabs both of Killua’s wrists with one hand, pressing down on them, immobilizing him. Killua has never been more turned on in his life. Gon’s other hand suddenly finds itself back inside Killua, hooking one of his fingers at a precise angle – “The way you moan-” Killua almost shouts as Gon hooks his fingers again, this time hitting his prostrate “Yeah, like that.”

Gon completely stops, and Killua briefly separates himself from his pleasure to look up at Gon. He flushes when he realizes that Gon was just staring at him, understands that when Gon says that he loves watching him fall apart, he means it. Gon’s intense scrutiny quickly overwhelms him, and he tries to rip his hands out of the grip to grab at his cock – anything to get things going. However, Gon’s enhancer-like strength is not beaten so easily, and Killua finds himself staring at gold with a pout, which has the same effect of making Gon react.

His verbal assault is back.

Gon’s licks the shell of Killua’s ear, bringing his tongue back down to his neck, and then his nipples, and says: “How red your cheeks get when I do this.” Killua tenses up, his heartbeat and breath out of control, and Gon keeps him in place, finally – finally – circling his hand around Killua’s cock, and pumping. “the way your thighs shake as I-”

“Shut _up_.” Killua screams, desperate, panting and almost _there_ , the combination of Gon’s words and his movements quickly sending him over the edge. With a few more pumps, Gon lets go of Killua’s hands, and instead scratches down his sides. At this point, Killua has no control over his trembling, or his voice, and his toes begin to curl in a tell-tale fashion. And then-

“Your _neck_.” Gon strains, alpha voice and scent overpowering KIllua’s every sense.

He sees white.

Killua calls Gon’s name through his moaning, and he belatedly realizes that his hands had unconsciously clung to Gon’s back. Gon doesn’t come, an instead still hovers over Killua, smirking down at him as he rides the last waves of pleasure out, dark eyebrows cocked in a silent “what?”.

Killua has no patience. He needs Gon’s knot. Now.

He pulls Gon down by the neck, already hard again. Already more desperate that he has been in years. “Fuck me-”

“Kil-” Gon starts, probably surprised by the intensity in Killua’s voice. However, Killua doesn’t even let him finish.

“ _Fuck_ me.”

An order.

Gon obeys.

It’s faster and messier than it usually is, Gon losing whatever white-knuckled control he had over himself very quickly. At some point, Killua feels like he loses all conscious thought as he becomes feelings and sensations, letting Gon’s erratic pace take him over. He also notices the way Gon’s hands are rougher, less careful – as if he needed to be – than he usually is, drawing blood with his teeth sometimes, nails leaving indents in his skin.

It’s over before Killua can process it, and by the time he feels like he can breathe again, there’s come all over both his and Gon’s stomach, and the knot has already formed, locking the both of them in place.

Killua relaxes his neck into the pillow, ready to call it a night, but then, something in the room changes.

The atmosphere becomes thick with heat, and where Gon had been heaving powerfully only seconds before, his breath stills completely. Killua’s heartbeat is in his ears, and there’s a tight knot of pleasure in his abdomen, refusing to untie itself. He’s already locked into place by Gon’s knot, and as he turns himself around to look at Gon with as much confusion as he can muster (the rules say that once he’s been knotted, his heat should abate for a few hours, this isn’t normal at all) before his arousal shoots through the roof, rendering him speechless.

His own breath stills as well, and then, his mind follows.

He blanks out.

It takes Killua a moment to come back to himself, and even when he does, it’s quick to go. He struggles to maintain control, and he feels his body go limp without him telling it to, but he he’s not tired, or spent, nor is he particularly afraid. He’s too hazy – far too light-headed for his liking, and it’s like he’s trudging through mud just to get the most basic of thoughts through – but he’s not afraid.

He grasps at the sheet in an attempt to get a hold of himself, or anything, but suddenly, a pair of hands are on his own, curling arounds his fingers, reassuring and comforting in their weight.

He is suddenly all too aware of Gon’s presence behind him.

But more than that, he is aware of Gon’s silence, the quiet strength hiding in his muscles, the shadow cast by his torso, the power in his hands. And Killua finds himself in a place of absolute conviction, handing his trust over to Gon as an animalistic impulse starts to sing in his veins, thundering in his ears and screaming at him to let go.

Killua fails to react with enough speed, but he turns his face again regardless, hoping that Gon will have an answer to whatever the hell is happening, but Killua reels back in surprise as he notices the darkness of Gon’s eyes. Gon is running entirely on instinct, nose flaring and pupils still blown wide, mouth caught in a sneer and the only thing Killua can think of is how much the sight makes him want to come.

Killua understands now.

Gon’s body over his own is a trap, one he’s all too willing to submit himself to.

Killua closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and puts his face in the pillow.

Hot breath hovering over the nape of his neck, Killua feels his whole body tense up with anticipation, limbs and joints locking as if to prepare themselves for what’s to come. Then, he feels Gon’s chest hit his back, and soon, his body takes over.

He doesn’t really think about it.

Killua lets his neck drop as low as it can, and he bares his nape in a complete act of submission.

Teeth, and then for a split second, there’s a void in his awareness of self as his aura crashes with Gon’s.

A scream tears itself from Killua’s throat.

He knows exactly what sort of noise he’s making – after he belatedly realizes that the marking process has actually started – it’s the kind of noise all omegas strive to be able to experience one day. A scream caught in between ultimate pleasure and pain, the most mind-numbing sensation Killua has ever felt in his life.

And ideally, will only feel once.

Gon is marking him _._

Gon is marking _him._

His gut twists with an evil, giddy satisfaction, his thoughts going in multiple directions and fizzling out before they can get anywhere important, but two thoughts still manage to reach his consciousness as his mind screams a “Take that, asshole” and a “Fuck yes” simultaneously. He hears himself moan as Gon bites, right before his mind completely blanks out again.

It’s the last part.

Killua’s stomach tightens up even further as the sensation of Gon flowing into him completely overwhelms him. Their auras are beginning to mix, and waves of hot and cold roil in him, tearing them both apart and building them back up at the same time.

Gon’s hands squeeze his even harder, and Killua can feel the elation coming from the both of them, and he’s aware that the they might be laughing as the joy completely overrides any pain.

Then, Killua’s eyes snap wide open in a split second.

He smells him before anything else.

Killua feels a violent crack in himself as his concentration is broken, separated from Gon. There’s a chasm in his aura where Gon had begun to overflow, but the sensation of emptiness leaves him soon enough, as they come back to themselves.

It’s like a cold bucket of reality has been poured on both of them, and they break away completely, Killua forcibly removing Gon’s knot despite the pain. He barely even winces – it’s the least they could do.

However, the damage is done.

The process wasn’t completed, but the entire floor probably stinks of mating, and they both knew he was here – somewhere in the mansion. But it was only a matter of time before he reached their floor. Gon didn’t even try to move from the bed; there was no way to hide what they had done. And with the taut, stern frown crossing Gon’s face, Killua understands that he doesn’t intend to. They shoudn’t, anyway. They had to be honest. For all of their sakes.

Gon puts some pants on, quietly handing Killua’s his own as he stares determinedly at the door.

Mika probably noticed already.

Killua wants to laugh – there’s no ‘probably’. He definitely already noticed. Footsteps down the hall break the silence in the room, and Killua pretends to not look at Gon’s hands tightening at his knees, jaw clenching and unclenching in a terrible anticipation, sweat collecting in his temples. In fact, Killua barely notices the hole forming in his own stomach, or the blood collecting in his palms as he balls up his hands so tightly his nails break skin.

He focuses on his heart as it hammers in his chest, on his sweaty hands, and the fact that he already hears the heavy breathing of Mika’s crying as his excited skipping turns into desperate running.

The door slams open against the wall with the sound of thunder.

Killua averts his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I am really, really sorry for how late this update is. I know I always say this but life has been kicking my ass (I recently broke up with my ex, my cat was just diagnosed with a terminal illness, and I've gotten pretty sick bc of the changes in atmospheric pressure and air quality from my school's town to my home country - 7000 ft above sea level and disgustingly polluted air is nothing to laugh at, kids - so things haven't been easy on me), but I finally managed to sit down and write this chapter. I hope everyone still enjoys this chapter despite the delay, and I wanna say that I'm sorry about bringing the boys back to reality, but it was gonna happen eventually.
> 
> I'm REALLY excited about writing the next chapter, so I hope I can give you guys an update soon.
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think of this chapter, and let's hope that life doesn't continue to fuck me over so I can write faster (also let's be real here I want a fucking break pls and thanks @ life). 
> 
> I hope you guys like the sin B))))
> 
> P.S. I love Mika and ya'll will get to see him shine next chapter.


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